Benggolf's Internet Finds - Jokes, etc.

[Benggolf2]

I'll post all the interesting topics that might come my way. Hope it will at least make your day. :wink:

[Benggolf2]

Whoever produced this video is really mad......and he is right!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=662R2awSwPQ

[tomato]

OK, that's fine, Benggolf, but you know political topics don't do very well in this forum, threads like that don't last too long before people start fighting, then mods have to step in ... just an FYI.

Did you see your joke thread BTW?

http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25203


if you want, we can change the title to something you like better. Let us know.

[Benggolf2]

Sally, a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?,' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but, instead, lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience

Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,that the contestant could not help but be convinced.


Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars...

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted. :tongue:

[Benggolf2]

Such a touching story..

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks,
'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says:
'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'
'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.
'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.
''I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard .' :eek:

[Benggolf2]

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ba$ta#d$ that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-biatch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet....

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50....in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? :evil:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! :thumbup:

[Benggolf2]

Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!
. . . I ALMOST DIED!!! :eek:

[Benggolf2]

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating
down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the Co-op supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his
debt to the local prostitute, now offering her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her $100 room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the
$100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the
money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt,
and now looks to the future with great optimism!

And that, my friends, is how the United States Government
is conducting business today. :eek:

[Benggolf2]

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair;flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." :laughabove:

[Benggolf2]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!" :mad:

[Benggolf2]

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one the best!



Football FINALLY makes sense..........



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!

I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! :headbang:

[Benggolf2]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?' :eek:

[Bob_VT]

We have Mad Dogs joke thread that has 26+ pages of jokes....... why start a new thread?

[Benggolf2]

Seems to have some logic and humor...

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN
SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN
VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE
IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see
how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA),
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi
Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his
computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put
on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN
FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA), and then wondered why he
can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA)!!! :laughabove:

[Benggolf2]

They do this every evening, the closing of the gates between India and Pakistan:

Click on the link below:

http://videos.komando.com/2009/07/25/india%E2%80%93pakistan-border-ceremony/

[Benggolf2]

Hans Klok & The Divas of Magic - 10 Illusions in 5 Minutes! :thumbup:


http://www.flixxy.com/worlds-fastest-magician.htm

[Benggolf2]

Very nostalgic street scenes of vintage automobiles.
These are real enough to fool you .... but they are only models by M. Paul Smith .... which he made by hand.
Simply amazing! :thumbsup:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/

[Benggolf2]

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'

Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen..

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Frank ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'..

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...


' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard.
You've shit the bed !!' :laughabove:

[tomato]

Very nostalgic street scenes of vintage automobiles.
These are real enough to fool you .... but they are only models by M. Paul Smith .... which he made by hand.
Simply amazing! :thumbsup:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/24796741@N05/sets/72157604247242338/show/with/2346008881/

I love that one. That's simply awesome :clap::clap::thumbsup:

Great find:thumbsup:

[Benggolf2]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond braceletand walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, sheunexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed herlittle 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of aprofessional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehowmissed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going toshit when I tell you the price." :laughabove:

[Benggolf2]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?' He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."

She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea! :headbang:

[*MAD DOG*]

We have Mad Dogs joke thread that has 26+ pages of jokes....... why start a new thread?

Agree. Beng why didn't you just post in my thread. It is open for everyone to post and view jokes.

[Benggolf2]

Agree. Beng why didn't you just post in my thread. It is open for everyone to post and view jokes.

Somebody (a moderator, I guess) suggested that I start this thread. :iono:
If you can merge this thread thsat will be great, otherwise I'll just post it in your thread for now on.

Am now in Vegas and getting a bit of luck...so no jokes from my end till I get back to YVR. :tongue:

[Benggolf2]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men. :redface:

[Benggolf2]

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense
Headquarters
Maj.Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ONT.
K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen;

Thank you for your recent letter expressing
your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You
will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
we are creating a new department here at the Department of National
Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
Transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud
(you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has
been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his
culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for
our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember. We'll be
watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially, Gordon O'Connor


:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

[Benggolf2]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (TRUE STORY).

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military
jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:....
"Defrost the chicken." :clap: :laughabove:

[Benggolf2]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...

------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

-----------------------------


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' :frown:

[Benggolf2]

There is nothing quite like the innocence of a child to give a person a pick me
up. I thought you may enjoy the following: A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them
to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because
the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs..
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have
to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant. :biggrin:

[Benggolf2]

Here is a variation of a joke I have heard.

An angel flew over a park and two statues facing each other longingly. Having pity on the statues, the angel brings them to life. The angel tells them they are now alive but only for thirty minutes. The angel tells them they can do any thing they want. They duck quickly into the bushes. There is rustling of leaves for 15 minutes then they come out. The angel tells them they have 15 minutes left. One statue looks at the other and says 'this time you hold the pigeon and I'll torture it'. :biggrin:

[Benggolf2]

Welcome to the 21st Century ! How it will be ...

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our ladies - Topless

Our jobs - Thankless

Our needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our salaries - Less and less... :tongue:

[Benggolf2]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

GET RID OF THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER... :tongue:

[Benggolf2]

[You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!]


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the back yard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid hussy was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car. :eek: