Real life funny stories

[TinyGiant]

Post some real life funny things.. can be short or long...


here are a couple :)

Back when i was in HS I had two good friends.. Phil and Ryan.. Phil would often visit ryan at his house and hang out .. One time Phil went over there and used the bathroom and completely stunk it up. Ryans dad poked fun at Phil a bunch of times.. Phil laughed it off.. but oddly enough Phil was kinda self conscious about it. So a couple months late Phil is over Ryans house.. and Phil gets the urge to drop another bomb.. So he has this brilliant idea...I'll poop outside so no one has to smell it.. Since it was dark he felt he could pull it off without getting caught.. So he told ryan what he was doing and told him to be the lookout.. So Phil leaned against the house and fertilized the garden.. sort to speak.. The stealthly pooping mission went off without a hitch.. Phil used some TP and hit it under a rock .. figuring it would just biodegrade when it rained.

So they hang out the rest of the night and Phil leaves and everything seems fine.

Later that night Ryan's family lets out the family dog to do its business. When it comes back into the house Joy is chewing something... little pieces are falling out of her mouth and landing on the floor... Ryans parents..wondering what she is eat goes up to her and opens her mouth.. excited to see them she decides to go into licking mode... Before they get right up to her they smell what she was eating... and now its a game to stay away from the dog and get out of the house.. which just excites the dog even more and throws her into a poo dripping play hound.. Ryans mother sees some of the poop on the floor and says "Where did that come from.. its doesnt even look like animal poop"

Ryan the whole time has to keep quiet ...IDK how he didnt absolutely die with laughter.. As his family is running away from his dog with a mouth full of Phil turd.

The next day at school Ryan told Phil about the whole fiasco and when we all heard about it we were crying with laughter..

Phil hates public restrooms and once made his girl friend hold up a towel around him so he could poop on a paper plate in a six flags parking lot .. when finished he slid the plate under the car and left it..

Imagine the questions that would arise from the kids of the next family.. asking what desert that is on the plate...




here is a couple quick ones..


My wife and I were planning on making a meal that required tooth picks. So as usual we went to Walmart to get our groceries.. but for the life of us could not find the toothpicks... So we looked around and little and finally decided to ask someone who worked at walmart for some help locating the toothpicks..

After a min of searching we find a man putting some stuff on a shelf and proceed to ask him where we can find the tooth picks. I walked up the man "Excuse me.. do you know where the toothpicks are?" He then tells me "yeah they would be with.. .in aisle ....( forget where exactly). When he opened his mouth to reveal the location of the tooth picks I couldnt help but notice he only had one tooth. .. you read correctly.. one tooth.. a big front tooth. I thanked him as we trembled away holding in what inevitably would explode into some tearful laughter 5-6 aisles away




here is my last one..


I used to be in youth ministry at my church as part of the adult leadership team.. Basically there to help run the group and keep the kids in line. We would go on trips quite often for training and such for the leaders and sometimes big meetings for the kids in other states. I believe this was in Cincinnati, OH.
It was Sunday morning and most of the leaders were already jones'n to get their coffee fix. So we all got ready and decided to walk the streets looking for a coffee shop. So we gathered up the group of kids and set out to find some coffee. We walked a few blocks and couldn't find anything. So I decided .. "hey lets find someone who is from around here and ask where the closest coffee shop is." They agree and we start looking. I Spot someone up ahead who obviously would know seeing that he was working and would definitely know the area... being that he was a cop... It didn't dawn on me that asking a cop where the nearest donut shop is with a group of 20 teenagers wouldn't be the brightest idea.. maybe i needed a coffee too..lol So i walked up to him.. "Excuse me sir, I was wondering if you knew where the nearest coffee shop is." His relpy..very ticked off sounding "No, I dont". You don't? I replied with sincere confusion.. "Nope, I dont think there are any around here" He said. I replied "Seriously there are no coffee places around here.. Were in the middle of the city there has to be something.." I think at tht point he realized i wasn't trying to be funny... And he said " Go two blocks up there is one on the left"

So i walked back to the group and we started walking.. The youth pastor said something to the effect.. man you have some balls... asking a cop where the donut shop is.. .. thats when it hit me ... I couldn't believe i didnt realize it.. lol it was funny we chuckled about it all morning.

[darthbauer]

I dont feel like typing to much right now so i will make this one short.


Used to be an umpire when i was a teenager. I was behind the plate calling balls and strikes one game and my voice cracked while calling a strike. Sure enough all the parents got a good laugh and the kids had no idea why everyone was laughing.

[KCALB SIRAY]

My brother got married back in August. I arrived at the rehearsal late and walked in to meet the minister. I approached him as he was talking with my brother about the plans for the wedding. I extended my hand towards him to shake his hand and in the process he says, "Oh, you must be Mike, Joshua's father" With out any hesitation I responded, "Yep, that's what she tells me." After the pictures were taken of the entire wedding party, the minister had to leave for another wedding function. To make things even worse, he was shaking hands with everyone, he turns to my son and says, "Bye Joshua, it was nice to meet you." My son, looks at him and responds with, "Bye butthead". He's only three, what can you do, lol.

[TinyGiant]

My brother got married back in August. I arrived at the rehearsal late and walked in to meet the minister. I approached him as he was talking with my brother about the plans for the wedding. I extended my hand towards him to shake his hand and in the process he says, "Oh, you must be Mike, Joshua's father" With out any hesitation I responded, "Yep, that's what she tells me." After the pictures were taken of the entire wedding party, the minister had to leave for another wedding function. To make things even worse, he was shaking hands with everyone, he turns to my son and says, "By Joshua, it was nice to meet you." My son, looks at him and responds with, "By butthead". He's only three, what can you do, lol.

lol

[TEHxFALLEN V1.2]

I groped one woman by accident mistaking her for my girlfriend when I was in a store LOL

[TinyGiant]

I groped one woman by accident mistaking her for my girlfriend when I was in a store LOL

lol.. My wife has two sisters around the same age and sometimes when they are all together and facing the other direction I have to refrain from smacking or pinching on impulse.. because i'm not sure who's who lol..

[KCALB SIRAY]

I groped one woman by accident mistaking her for my girlfriend when I was in a store LOL


Yeah, I believe that one like I believe that Elvis is still alive, :laugh: Sure JR, :thumbsup:, that's what I would have said too :clap:

[TinyGiant]

I groped one woman by accident mistaking her for my girlfriend when I was in a store LOL

did she smack you? or wink?

[TinyGiant]

Yeah, I believe that one like I believe that Elvis is still alive, :laugh: Sure JR, :thumbsup:, that's what I would have said too :clap:

it was probably a dude with juicy lips lol

[TEHxFALLEN V1.2]

Well, I guess I pull off the innocent look pretty well.. I run off and giggle. I told my girlfriend at the time and she didn't mind! :thumbsup: She laughed with me!

[BailOut]

Shortly after my wife and I moved in together while we were dating she made chicken fajitas when it was her turn to cook. She always used a particular brand of pre-marinated stuff and it was always good.

This time the usual brand was out at the store so she'd grabbed another and while it was cooking I was thinking, "That stuff smells like ass! I sure hope it tastes better than it smells...". The longer it cooked the worse it got.

After a while it was ready and I truly was not looking forward to eating it but I was trying to be a good boyfriend. Not wanting to upset her I prepared 2 fajita bundles and went into the den to eat. OMG was it bad! The worst fajitas I'd ever had. I manage to finish two bites and was about to puke. She was sitting behind me on the couch and just as I turned to tell her that I just couldn't eat the stuff I noticed that she wasn't eating it. Instead she was munching on a microwave pizza.

I asked, "Why aren't you eating the fajitas?". She replied, "Are you kidding?! That stuff smells like ass!". :laugh:

[TinyGiant]

lol.. nice... and to think.. you being the good guy trying to suffer though it and she lets you eat it...real nice

[GeneW]

Live with a family that raised dogs, mainly Pugs. You've probably seen that one in "Men in Black"? She had six of them.

In any case she got herself a female Laborador Retriever. Female Labs will instinctively "clean" up after smaller dogs, including taking away their poop.

She lived on a corner house that had heavy traffic. One fine morning she opens the door to let the dogs do their business.

People were watching them, smiling and gesturing.

The little Pugs dogs were attending nature. One of the males was squeezing off a loaf.

Just as he gets it out the Lab sneaks up and snatches it right from his bum and then eats it. He moseys on ignorant of the whole thing, she's munching on a fresh turd, I'm laughing and watching people's faces.

I saw three people's faces change from amused smiles to borderline nausea.

Gene

[Gideon]

When I was in high school I left early one day. If you took care of your classes throughout the year you could finish your last year with only 4 classes, and if one of those was an early morning class that took place before 1st period, you left after 3rd before lunch.

I had not, so I had one more class that day but felt like leaving. I was stopped by one of the hall monitors and was asked to present my period card which showed that I was able to leave early. I told him I never got one and was escorted to the office to get mine.

My friend was able to leave after 3rd so I named dropped him and inadvertently misspelled his last name. The office worker asked if that was correct and I said it was, and she informed me it was misspelled in the system. I told her it was no big deal, and she said it was for my diploma. (Graduation was less than a month away.) Since I didn't want to look like an ass and blow my cover I told her that the incorrect way that I had told her was correct and so she changed my friend's name in the school system.

Finally I get my card and leave, and end up at my friend's house and tell him the story of me changing his name, and am ordered to call and get it changed back. So I had to call, and like a jackass make up some stupid story about how "that's how I always spelled it, but it's not correct, the first one was, my mom just told me"

Later that week my friend was pulled into the office for some other reason and was met by the same office worker I talked to and had the name changed, and then changed back. She started to question him, and even asked for his driver's license to verify his identity. Right when that was verified the fire alarm went off (someone pulled it as a prank) and the school evacuated.

The office never bothered him again. I still have a period card with his name "misspelled". :biggrin:

[TinyGiant]

i work at at pet store.. we've had dogs eat it dairy queen style many times.. Akitas are well known for doing that.. I call them Akita Poo-eatas

[GeneW]

Math Humor....

My ODE (ordinary differential equation) instructor was from France. He looked like a mafia hoodlum (no kidding), smoked these horrible French cigarettes and was a dead ringer for the voice of Clouseau in the "Pink Panther" cartoon series.

I used to refer to him as "Ming the Merciless" because he graded harshly if you derived the wrong numeric answer. Having spent some time in industry I see now the wisdom of his grading - nobody gives you 'credit' for being wrong.


One day we were discussing (I think) 2nd order ordinary differential equations of a periodic function. He moves through the routines and then demonstrates the solution.

"As you might know", he says in that voice, "Here we have the solution, A sub one times Cosh(x)".

He turns to the board with a flourish...

"And to satisfy the criterion of two solutions for a 2nd order equation we introduce its best friend, Sinh(x)."

This is a subtle bit of humor - the two hyperbolic functions, Sinh(x) and Cosh(x) are very very similar, even "friendly". However to hear it delivered in the voice of a cartoon character - albeit unintentionally - made the joke.

Three people in the classroom out of forty students laughed. I thought he was funny, and I loved hearing it in that cartoon character voice.

Gene

[GeneW]

As part of the "Lean" initiative at one former work site we had to re-arrange the supply cage and do a Physical Inventory.

I was tapped to help because I had previous inventory experience. The guy who ran the cage was an irascible bitch named "John". John routinely threatened to murder me, so I put a little sign on the wall of the cage.

"Welcome to Thunderdome
Two men enter, one man leaves".

I meant by this humor that John was going to lose his manhood, that I was going make him my bitch. Unfortunately management felt I was going to murder him and counseled me about it. When they heard that I was contemplating some sort of prison sex activity this bugged them even more.

What ever happened to a sense of humor?

John showed up "loaded for bear". He had tied one on the night before, and did not bother to shave. He normally looked like an ax murderer with these haunted eyes that bored through you, plus he was a short guy with Napoleon Syndrome who could not spend an hour at work without threatening to beat or murder someone.

Here he was hungover, with a thick bristle of beard, looking very much like a miniature Jack Nicholson in "The Shining" just before he put the ax through the door.

John had spent the day having hissy fits about different things. One of the other assistants was a smart alec who moonlighted as a rock drummer. He and I got along well and cracked jokes at John's expense all morning long.

John, being hung over and shitty, was a perfect target for us. We were sick and tired of his bullying so we hit him where it hurt.

John grew angrier and angrier, telling me pretty much every two or three minutes to "shut the fuck up!", which only made Jim and I pull his chain harder.

Mind you, we were working and doing good counts. John's bitchiness made an ordinarily dull job a lot livelier.

Up steps one of the Researchers. He was a middle aged guy with a cheery disposition who never cussed. He had a voice which cracked a lot, sometimes making him sound like a chicken. He also had a chubby build that tended towards a pear shape and a bald head. Kind of looked like a chicken too.

A chicken with an IQ of 160 who had a heart of gold.

In any case John was helping him to inventory his stuff while "managing" the cage inventory. At one point the Researcher expressed some confusion about where to put some of the stuff.

John says to him, "Look, I can't babysit you", he gestured at Jim and I, "and them. You better get your shit together."

The Researcher shrugged and said, "I'll do my best".

"Well, you just better get to it", John snapped at him, "You better produce!"

I turned to John and said, "What do you want him to do, lay eggs?"

There was dead silence for half a second. The Researcher, who pretended not to notice the joke, walked away. Jim and I started laughing like we were going to piss ourselves".

Jim turned to me and said, "You sick bastard" between laughs.

John goes apeshit. "Fuck you, Gene!", he said. I laughed even harder. "Fuck you too, Jim", he added as Jim double over laughing.

We kept breaking into fits of giggles for the next minute or so, thinking about that Researcher popping out eggs.

John finally turns to us and hollers, "I hope both you fuckers piss your pants!"

We're leaning against the walls holding our stomachs, laughing so hard we're crying.

I think, later on, John's stellar performance was part of the reason he got "downsized". Can't be showing up for work looking like an ax murderer.

Gene

[TinyGiant]

i love those random can't breath laughing moments... its nice to have them here and there :)

[GeneW]

Same place with cage had a female department head. She had just gone through a divorce. I think if she had had time to grieve and build her confidence back she'd have been fine. As it was she was angry, bitter and out for middle aged men. I eventually got into the cross hairs, which was unfortunate because I think in a different setting we'd have had a huge amount of fun together.

What made her more fascinating was her fashion model looks and PhD. She almost made it into the Astronaut Corps. She wasn't a lightweight, just hurting and a bit inexperienced working in industry.

In any case she was at her phone arguing with some guy. They went round and round and round. I ignored it as I had work to do.

An hour or so later we show up for the Department meeting. She comes in late and says,

"I talked to Martin of XXXXXX".

She set her work down and shrugged. One of the engineers turned to her and said "It's about the XXXXX, isn't it?"

"Yeah", "K" said. "I showed him who had the bigger dick".

You could have heard a pin drop in the room. This five foot ten blonde goddess with education, smarts, looks and poise opens her pie hole and says THAT?

Gene

PS

While I'm not certain I strongly suspect that K did not in fact have a dick. At least I hope not.

[GeneW]

The Production Staff despised K. They called her various unkind names. Of course she started off on the wrong foot, calling them "Incompetent" the second day she was on the job.

So they piled it on. Discovering that both she and I were single and almost the same age they tried to play matchmaker. They were not subtle about it.

One day one of them, a senior dude, said to her, "Hey, 'K', Gene was at your house the other night. He said he could see your hot tub from where he was hiding".

The guy later claimed, "She shuddered when I told her that". To which I replied, "Thanks a lot, XXXX".

Another time some guys were doing masonry work and using a hammer drill. This same guy says to 'K', "Damn, imagine that as a vibrator?"

K turns to him and says "No, the frequency of vibration is too slow".


Gene

[GeneW]

i love those random can't breath laughing moments... its nice to have them here and there :)

I agree.

Brief story....

Friend of mine named Jon had a surname which could be easily corrupted to the word "Wienie". He also was a Momma's boy who was not athletic and had poor body awareness.

Another friend named Joe had this shrieking voice, which he put to good effect. Especially in public, such as at a bowling alley.

Jon was fixing to bowl a straight and just as his swing hits the point of delivery Joe shrieks "Wienie" really loud.

Jon chokes, holding onto the ball, and the swing pulls him right off of his feet. If he'd done something called "Run" and "Play" now and then he'd have recovered nicely, but since he was (and still is) a couch potato he's helpless. That ball swept him right off of his feet.

He basically does half a flip and lands on his back with a loud "slam".

As a nice touch the ball falls out of his hand and dribbles into the gutter... lost.

Joe almost died laughing. I had to admit, I was laughing a bit too.

Jon was such a snob about exercise and here he was suffering the results of not doing any of it. He recovered quickly and proceeded to chase Joe a bit before the Attendant made him knock it off.

Gene

[eTiMaGo]

Thanks Gene, those gave me some good laughs :biggrin:

Lemme see what I can dredge up from my memory... A real dastardly prank to start off...

As some of you may know, my parents run a small hotel down in Phuket, a local tourist destination. So, we got to meet some very interesting people over the years. But, one of the regulars was a young french guy, Wilfrid, who was always really cool and kinda like a big brother to me.

So, one day, I'm about 17 or 18, he's here on vacation, but his arm was in a sling because he had played frisbee on the beach, fell and landed awkwardly on his elbow, breaking it.

I was due to leave the next day (I was in a boarding school in Malaysia), so we went out on the town for a few drinks and chat up the local female population...

Of course, because of his arm sling, everyone was always asking him what happened, how did he break it, etc... So I though I'd have a good laugh... Because it was a bit hard for him to explain properly, I ever-so-helpfully told him a phrase in Thai that would make it clearer...

So for half the night he was telling girls the reason for his broken elbow was masturbation :laugh:

After a while I just couldn't hold my laughter anymore and told him :biggrin: He was a good sport about it though!!!

[eTiMaGo]

Here's a couple boarding school anecdotes...

As I mentioned above, I went to a British boarding school in Penang, Malaysia from 1995-2001, mostly because there was no secondary school in Phuket at the time, and my parents did not want to send me to Bangkok. I spent some really awesome time there with some great friends... And of course a lot of funny things happened...

We used to have boarding "houseparents", couples of teachers who stayed at the school to look after the boarders. They would change regularly, and at one time we had a pair of new teachers, and he was from Wales, and had a reallllly strong accent...

So one evening after homework time a bunch of us are chilling in my room (I was one of the only guys to have a computer, always a big attraction), and the teacher in question is making his rounds, pops his head in and says "Hello boys, what's happening here?". But the way he said it with his accent, just made everyone crack up and laugh our asses off :laugh:

---------------

In the final 2 years I was there, we stayed in a separate small apartment building across the road from the school, which meant we had a lot more freedom. But of course, we were not allowed to go out late at night, had to behave responsibly, yadda yadda.. And we had another set of houseparents living there to keep an eye on us.

Anyway one day it is my friend Anisah's birthday, so she gets permission to stay out late with friends and hang out at the local "coffee shop" Of course, by that, understand "Pub"...

So, we had to be back by 11PM, and we were at the front door of the apartment when the houseparents walk in behind us, they had taken the evening off as well... Of course, Anisah was totally drunk and doing her best effort to look sober when the houseparents were casually chatting to us... All went well until we turned around to get into the lift, when Anisah walks smack into the wall next to the lift door!

Luckily it was her birthday and the houseparents were pretty cool hippie-types, but that was a tense moment!

[GeneW]

Thanks Gene, those gave me some good laughs :biggrin:

So I though I'd have a good laugh... Because it was a bit hard for him to explain properly, I ever-so-helpfully told him a phrase in Thai that would make it clearer...

So for half the night he was telling girls the reason for his broken elbow was masturbation :laugh:

After a while I just couldn't hold my laughter anymore and told him :biggrin: He was a good sport about it though!!!

Reminds me of a friend who was born in Poland and came to America. We went to high school together. Carl had a thick accent and was very very athletic. He was also friendly and happy go lucky.

Carl taught me some handy phrases in Polish. Don't recall them except one he advised me to say to a Polish speaking girl that "I really liked".

He said, "Just look her in the eye and say 'Vudna Peezda', she'll fall in love with you".

I thought, "cool". I should have known better. Carl was an amateur boxer who called himself some nasty Slavic sounding name. He would "greet" fans at ringside by telling them horrible things in Polish about their Mothers while an assistant "translated" it into happy greetings. He used to brag about this to me and others.

A few years later I met a darling girl who had just come over from Poland. We were casual acquaintances and recalling Carl's caution I did not say my magic phrase to her because we were not yet close. She was gorgeous, so well built that she looked like she was going to burst right out of her skin. She took a strong shine to me too.

Met an old friend whose parents came from Serbia, another country that uses a Slavic language. George and I were talking about Nicky. I asked him for some advice on ladies from that part of the world, which he provided. I mentioned in passing, "I'm gonna tell Nicky 'vudna peezda', she'll fall in love with me".

George said, "You like your teeth, don't you?"

I said, "Yeah, sure".

He said, "Don't ever say that to her. If she's a real woman she'll punch you right in the mouth".

I said, "Why? Doesn't it mean that she's a nice girl?"

George got this embarrassed smile on his face, "No. Vudna Peezda means "Good pussy", it's really really vulgar to say to any woman".

Should have figured Carl would say something like that to me. Nicky and I did not become real close but we remained friends. I never had the heart to share my magic phrase with her. Later on I would talk with other Slavic speakers about that phrase, they'd all get that same embarrassed look on their faces.


Gene

[GeneW]

i work at at pet store.. we've had dogs eat it dairy queen style many times.. Akitas are well known for doing that.. I call them Akita Poo-eatas

Akitas are interesting dogs. As I recall they are very large. They're also aggressive. I ran into German Shepherd/Akita cross a few years back, it was the size of a small pony. Scary.

Gene