The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[Bob_VT]

The Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Bob_VT]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way toher car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

[*MAD DOG*]

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A wife asked her husband:

'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[*MAD DOG*]

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied with a man, this is because no man has a chocolate dick that ejaculates money"

[Bob_VT]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and
completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs
adjusting?'

The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark.'
The instructor went on to say, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler.'

[eTiMaGo]

hehehe reminds me of a shorter version...

Q: what do gynaecologists do on their time off?

A: Repaint the corridor. Through the mail slot.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Aborigines are riding along Oxley Road in the Kimberley on a motorbike.They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aborigines ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aborigines he has to leave..

'Hey mate?' they say 'C'mon gissa pucken lift brudda jus up dat road a phew Ks eh'.
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginal asks the driver if he'll take them if they can actually manage to fit themselves into the back and he finally agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motor bike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer
asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies 'Aboriginal Eggs'.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. 'I've got a truck here carrying 20,000 Aboriginal Eggs - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!'

[*MAD DOG*]

Joke of the month for sure.

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

[Bob_VT]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

‘I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.’

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

‘Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.’

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

‘Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.’

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, ‘That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.’

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, ‘Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.’

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

‘Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.’

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, ‘Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…’

[Bob_VT]

50 Years of Love

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
Tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to
all this, having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a
fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he
follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt,
takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.

She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is
the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life
that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing -
that old man was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret
is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."