The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

A U.S. Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain:
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.

Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.


Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Impossible, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[*MAD DOG*]

When going on a roller coaster, bring some spare nuts and bolts with you.

When they strap you all in, lean over to the person in front and say" SHIT BLOKE, these came out of your seat!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

[TLyttle]

Been there, done that, minus the hot air balloon...

[ilikerice]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

HAHAHA, I can relate, not that im an engineer, but I am a mechanic that does what the engineer says, and have a manager that deligates. Welcome to gulfstream.. I am sooo posting this on the boards.. minus the "F" bomb at the end

[*MAD DOG*]

"HOW TO INSTALL YOUR NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM"

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a used pair of men's work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:-


Bubba,
Me and Bertha, Duke and Slim went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

[nemelek]

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy man oeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[*MAD DOG*]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates Me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

[*MAD DOG*]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example...****

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's
done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi
Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say hello?****

[*MAD DOG*]

O.K. Honey!

We're here!

I said I was sorry!

You can come out now.

[shinlee]

please don't stop posting these just cuz you got a camry! I love em!

[*MAD DOG*]

I ain't leaving this forum. However, pm me your email address and I'll send you funny emails like this if you wish.

[*MAD DOG*]

.

[J_Lynn]

^ lololololololololl

[*MAD DOG*]

.

[BluYrs]

"I saw these 2 fat chicks at the bar the other night. So I approached them and asked "Are you two ladies from Britain?" One replied "It's Whales, you idiot!" me:" I'm sorry, are you two whales from Britain?"

[*MAD DOG*]

An Arab enters a taxi..........
*
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
*
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”
*
The cabby answers:*“In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

[*MAD DOG*]

Saying the right thing at the right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table with a single rose.

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, looks around the room, and sees that it is in perfect order. He then goes to the bathroom, where he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

Jack is bewildered. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?''
“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway”, answers his son.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table!”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Saying the right thing, at the right time is …. PRICELESS.