Things That Only Happen In Movies

[Kal-El]

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting
.
2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

10. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

12. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard .

13. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

14. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

15. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

16. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

17. All single women have a cat.

18. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

19. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

20. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

21. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

22. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

23. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

24. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).

25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

26. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

27. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

28. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

29. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

30. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

31. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

32. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

33. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

34. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

35. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.



Feel free to add more....

[m911gt]

as an avid movie lover, those are some great observations! Nice list.

[jinxor]

lolz... when i read them, makes me wonder if there is a film which doesnt abide by stallone's law....

hahaha

[coheed]

#36 No matter how slow the killer is, the prey will always trip slip or fall in a hole. Resulting in their death.

[GeneW]

#37. Firearms rarely jam and almost never require magazine changes. Sometimes they never, ever run dry.

#38. When the Nerd or Geek writes code he or she does it on the fly. The code always compiles without error. The code always works. This rarely if ever happens in real life.

#39. In Medical shows people die peacefully and are always aware that they are dying. They often say profound things on the brink of death. I never saw this in eight years that I worked around terminally ill people. Usually when people died they either went in their sleep or "shut off", like they fainted. I've never heard anyone scream as they died or heard any dramatic words or death bed realizations. Everyone figured that they were either gonna make it or they were checking out. Bystanders, on the other hand, often screamed or said profound things like "Oh God, he's dying!".

Only exception was a guy who had bizarre arrhythmias. He was given AED treatment, revived nicely, taken away by ambulance and in the ER signed a DNR. Passed away peacefully a half an hour later.

#40. Resuscitating people is not a hygienic procedure. In some cases their ribs crack. They can vomit, have bowel movements or make awful noises. In most cases they do not "come back" but return debilitated in some way or another. You will never see this in movies.

#40a. Women who give birth sometimes will move their bowels or urinate. This does appear on the silver screen. At most you see some blood and other stuff. Almost no one requires supportive care.

#41. When someone fixes a problem with machinery or computers they can precisely describe what they did and what was wrong. They have absolute knowledge of the cause and can insure that it never recurs.

People often fix things and do not really understand how the thing works or what they did to fix it. Especially with complex systems like modern cars, which rely upon some pretty sophisticated algorithms and mathematics to guide their operation. Add to that some kinky computer tricks to make the damn things work around constant tweaks and you got a real hairball to repair.

Heck, Hollywood never talks about "painting oneself into a corner" with development. It's magical.

#42. People from non European cultures always use US/European hand gestures. There are no problems with misunderstandings or misinterpretations. A visitor from Europe or America can go to any place on Earth and be understood and not offend or antagonize anyone.

#43. In Science Fiction shows the Aliens are either mutes or can speak a human language. They can speak such a language with bizarre looking jaws, tongues and other differences from human beings. Star Wars was the first movie I ever saw where the Aliens spoke like, well, aliens.

#44. Aliens are not really that alien. They don't often have foul body odors, eat strange foods, take offense at human hand gestures or fail to understand what they mean, and so on. They seem to have philosophies which are compatible with some form of human philosophy and always are elder beings who can teach us to get along together.

Be nice if an Alien was really... alien. Closest was the "Alien" series, which were probably genetically engineered biological weapons patterned on insect life. They were not elder beings.

#45. All aliens are smarter, tougher and more rugged then human beings. Probably because they come to us and not vice versa but even when we show up they're still smarter than us and have something to "teach us" if we would but listen. You rarely encounter a weak or stupid alien. Real aliens are probably as stupid as they need to be.

#46. In space no one can hear you scream but you can hear a ship as it cruises.

#47. Space craft do not move from one place to another in an orbital trajectory. Instead they go in straight lines, like they're a ship or automobile. Space ships can come to a "full stop", a stop with respect to what I am not sure.

#48. Faster than Light travel does not require huge amounts of energy or cause strange effects around the ship. It's magical.

#49. Engineers in real life will run back to their CAD/CAM, spreadsheets (no kidding), notes and peers/collaborators if there is a major problem or a change needs to be made.

In Hollywood it's always one person and they don't have to consult their CAD/CAM, speadsheet or notes before answering a question. They know the whole enchilada from stem to stern and can answer a question intelligently without consulting notes or peers.

This is patent bullshit when it comes to almost any complex device. You have to delegate some of the fine details to others, including assembly staff, technical support, vendors and suppliers. An Engineer is part of the team and is responsible for the final product but they are not a god. Nobody is god but God.

#50. Rarely in US films is an emphasis made upon teamwork or collaboration. It seems like there is one person who gets the glory or credit while everyone else is disregarded. In real life big projects require big teams and everyone does their part together to make projects work.

#51. Nobody in blue collar environments swears, accuses others of unnatural relations with their parents, household pets, children or inanimate objects or threatens each other. In real life the opposite is often true. The banter can be hair raising. Most places enforce "professional behavior" codes, almost no one follows them.

#52. Alcoholics are portrayed as larger than life folks who are fun to be around, uninhibited and "zany". Especially when they're loaded.

In reality most alcoholics are often unhappy but not as unhappy as the wretches who share their lives. When they're inebriated sometimes their relations want to murder them.

#53. The fashion over the years has been to portray families as dysfunctional groups of people who are at odds with one another. In reality most families tend to be pretty rugged and while imperfect are often better than the alternatives.

#54. Academics (College Professors) are portrayed in the Media as tolerant universal thinkers who tend to view differences as shades of gray or in terms of relativism. They are wise Socratic types who hope to lead people into the light.

In reality quite a few Academics tend to cling strongly to their positions, defend them without pity and often will wage war over the most trivial shadings of the truth. This is because their position is often the basis of their career or professional standing in their field. To surrender such a position would "repudiate their work". This is part of the reason why we had crap like Phlogston and Luminiferous Ether and why today we have fads in scientific thought.

Academics are also portrayed as experts in divergent fields. While this is sometimes also true many Academics are incredibly specialized in their field. While I respect anyone who can design heat transfers that facilitate cooling in a rocket engine (a former boss of mine got their PhD in this field) this does not confer onto them universal expertise. Nobody knows it all.

[Kal-El]

Good stuff Gene.

[MadMax]

Another firearm-related one...

#55. Professional police officers and military special forces always have to rack the slide of their semi-automatics before engaging bad guys. There is never a round chambered, as it would eject when they did it...and no one ever seems to be carrying a loaded weapon (in the sense of having 'one in the pipe')...

Oh, and it seems like the only time someone's gun runs out of bullets is when a big fist-fight scene is going to occur (and only after shooting 47 rounds out of a 13-round magazine)!

Plus, I love to hear screeching tires on dirt roads!

And no one ever seems to cough, sneeze or fart; unless it is for a laugh.

I could go on all day...

Cheers! M2

[GeneW]

Originally Posted by PK198105

Gene as always you exhaust the subject lol, very in depth analysis. however i don't agree with no 41/41a. in my experience i always met people who were able to explain what they did in order to fix something and knew exactly what caused the problem. also personally i love to share my knowledge with someone and have no problem "teaching" someone how to do it. the only thing i resent is people looking at me / gawking while i work i feel like im being tested and analyzed and i hate that but if someone just wants to learn i have no problem i think most engineers are like this and the ones i know are like this. great post nonetheless

Point being that on TV and Movies that techs and engineers who repair things ALWAYS seem to know.

I've spent time in R&D, where nobody seems to know exactly what is going on. Lots of theories. My job used to be to ferret out the facts from gathering data and then present it. Once you got it right you closed your books and started a new revision or project. The joy is in the pursuit not the product.

I work in Production. We build to customer specs, not runs of products like Toyota or GM. We get the specs, the engineer designs it to spec - sorta - we build it. Revisions come along and we change it. Lots of non-linear effects and odd side effects.

Time is money. You don't always have time to gather data and troubleshoot properly. So you do what you can, hammer it to see if it works and then ship it.

Sure there are times that a solution is obvious, like a wire is missing or the program has a bizarre construct in it. You fix and it's good to go.

I wish, just once, that a show would demonstrate one of Parkinson's Rules, such as "Expect to throw the first away". First run of code or first design will have to go, it's just experience talking.

If people only understood the beauty of creating useful things. I wonder if the Engineering and Production staff at Toyota really enjoyed designing and making Yarii?

Gene

[GeneW]

Originally Posted by MadMax

Another firearm-related one...

#55. Professional police officers and military special forces always have to rack the slide of their semi-automatics before engaging bad guys. There is never a round chambered, as it would eject when they did it...and no one ever seems to be carrying a loaded weapon (in the sense of having 'one in the pipe')...

Cheers! M2

Probably the writers are accustomed to pump shotguns, which have that dramatic "rack" when they're chambered. Kind of shows that the person is "ready" to shoot. Dramatic tension.

If you really want to be ready for split second action it's probably best to have a revolver. No need for a safety, aim and squeeze.

Gene

[bobselectric]

Nobody on a spaceship ever goes to the can

[MadMax]

Originally Posted by GeneW

Probably the writers are accustomed to pump shotguns, which have that dramatic "rack" when they're chambered. Kind of shows that the person is "ready" to shoot. Dramatic tension.

If you really want to be ready for split second action it's probably best to have a revolver. No need for a safety, aim and squeeze.

Gene

Whereas I will agree that the racking of a 12-gauge has a definite psychological and persuasive effect on the intended recipient, I have to disagree with your comment that a revolver is necessary to have a handgun that is instantly ready to fire. My Springfield XD-45 semi-automatic pistol carried “hot” (with a round chambered) has two safeties that are deactivated when I draw the weapon (one in the grip and one in the trigger). No additional action is required to make the gun ready to shoot. Plus, it holds over double the rounds of a revolver (13+1 versus usually 5-6). It is, as you stated, "ready for split-second action;" which is why I it is my primary carry weapon.

Cheers! M2

[TLyttle]

Not since 1968, bobselectric; check out Kubrick's "2001"...

[GeneW]

Originally Posted by MadMax

Whereas I will agree that the racking of a 12-gauge has a definite psychological and persuasive effect on the intended recipient, I have to disagree with your comment that a revolver is necessary to have a handgun that is instantly ready to fire. My Springfield XD-45 semi-automatic pistol carried “hot” (with a round chambered) has two safeties that are deactivated when I draw the weapon (one in the grip and one in the trigger). No additional action is required to make the gun ready to shoot. Plus, it holds over double the rounds of a revolver (13+1 versus usually 5-6). It is, as you stated, "ready for split-second action;" which is why I it is my primary carry weapon.

Cheers! M2

I carried a Springfield M1911, "cocked and locked" for many years. You have to make three movements - squeeze the grip safety, remove the hammer safety, and squeeze the trigger to deploy it properly.

You have to practice this sequence until it's "instinctive". When a person is under great stress their fine motor skills almost evaporate. What is left are their learned skills. The shortest path between two points is a straight line and the fastest way to get there is the simplest sequence.

A good friend of mine was mugged in Chicago many years ago while carrying an M1911. He got the piece out and was fiddling with the safety while the perp hollered "It's cool, it's cool" at him while backing off. He quit carrying it because he could not deploy it properly.

Browning recognized this complexity of the grip safety and removed it from the P-35 hi-power. Paradoxically he put the safety on the slide, making it tougher to take off.

I checked out the XD-45, which uses a sort of Glock safety. Never used one and thus cannot comment upon it.

Automatics can jam. I spent a lot of time with clearance drills. If you do not practice clearance drills you're risking your neck.

In case you were wondering, I carry an automatic myself. Condition 3. I do practice clearance drills.


A DA revolver requires trigger squeeze. The motion is natural and instinctive. If the piece does not fire pull the trigger again.

Gene

[MadMax]

Not to sidetrack this thread, but your friend's experience is exactly why I don't carry any of my four Springfield 1911s! The XD is a "grab and shoot" style handgun, and while semi-autos do have the potential to jam, I have put several thousand rounds through my XD without a single FTF/FTE.

Oddly enough, Springfield ended up putting on an optional third safety to the XD series. I would never buy one as I like the gun set up the way it is.

Now, back to the thread, another thing I love is that no one wakes up with "bed head"...

Cheers! M2

[jclo3313]

When beaten about the face, there is rarely enough damage to the person being hit or the person hitting them. I've been in a few fight's as the winner or looser and never had no blood, swelling or some other visable damage after a fight.

[bobselectric]

a person in a hospital bed always looks "presentable", clean, styled hair, no razor stubble, no black and blues from needles, and is always cognizant, even up until death, or after just having been revived

[bobselectric]

Originally Posted by jclo3313

When beaten about the face, there is rarely enough damage to the person being hit or the person hitting them. I've been in a few fight's as the winner or looser and never had no blood, swelling or some other visable damage after a fight.

Having been in a scrape or two myself, hitting someone in the face with a closed fist is more likely to break the punchers hand than break more than a nose