The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

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Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[*MAD DOG*]

Don't ask Grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[*MAD DOG*]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[*MAD DOG*]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little japanese man,
clutching a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the japanese
man starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man",
and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little japanese man is back with a huge
truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little japanese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon,
he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little japanese man
thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:



(It's a beauty)



(Wait for it)



(Get your best japanese accent ready)



"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[*MAD DOG*]

"Marriage in Heaven"


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder;
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go
find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it
all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a Catholic priest up
here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[*MAD DOG*]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.

And Satan said, " You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, " Yes! "

And Woman said, " I'll have one too with chocolate chips " .

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, " Try my fresh green salad " .

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, " I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them " .

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities
of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man
Would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said, " You want fries with that? " and Man replied, " Yes,
And super size 'em " .

And Satan said, " It is good. " And Man and Woman went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan
chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final
word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
Fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[*MAD DOG*]

Anti terrorist testing



The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability
of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest,
killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had
it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John W Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test
Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo
Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a
budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and
proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with
a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers
and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes,
scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs
itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in
the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause
all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,
particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime
and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be
returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

[Bob_VT]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was
a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked t he doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[Bob_VT]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today

[BluYrs]

I had a Japanese intern once; I asked him to get some supplies and he never came back. In the end I went to look for him and he jumped out waving his arms and shouted "SUPPLIES!"

[Bob_VT]

Big People Words

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

[Bob_VT]

Duane was in big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'.

The next morning Duane got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Duane has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[Bob_VT]

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[bobselectric]

George Bush is in the Oval office, when an aide comes in and says, "Excuse me Mr. President, but we just received word from Iraq that five soldiers were killed by an IED". The President, looks at the aide and replies "This is the cost of freedom- an ultimate sacrifice. Get their information so I can contact their families."

The next day, the aide returns and says "Mr. President, we just got word that two Brazilian peacekeepers were lost in Afghanistan."
Bush looks up, visibly shaken--"This is horrible!! The worst thing that could happen!"
"Mr. President," the aide replies, "forgive me for being blunt, but yesterday we lost five American men, and you didn't get that upset. Today we lose two Brazilian men and you're almost inconsolable."
George grabs the aide by the shoulders and roars, "Do you realize how many a Brazilian is?!!!!"

[engelm_]

Originally Posted by Bob_VT

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

My family loved this, it is on the fridge now.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by Bob_VT

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

That was a good one. I'm not a cat person but I know how hard they can be.

[*MAD DOG*]

The rules of being a wog.

1 You can never have too many Sub Woofers.
2 Speaking of subwoofers, you can easily get eight 10-inch subs in an 89 Pulsar.
3 When a wog tells you “my car does 12 easy mate” he really means 13.5 with his cousin Gino in the passenger seat timing him on his Nokia stopwatch.
4 Lebos don’t appreciate Italians calling their friends habib.
5 Maltese people, according to the Lebanese, are honorary Arabs… however… according to the Maltese, we started the whole system.
6 Never buy, or consider to buy….hell, never even SIT in a Hyundai. Unless for insurance jobs purposes.
7 For a good deal on a stereo, go to Knox City JB and ask for a guy called. Joe, tell him George sent you and easily get mates rates. However, think twice when asking for a receipt.
8 Never stare at your mate’s girlfriend’s mo.
9 If you haven’t got a cousin that can do it, you’re not a wog.
10 Cars have a red line for a reason.
11 For a good length beard for Saturday night, shave Thursday night. Otherwise, shave Saturday morning if you are Lebanese.
12 Never argue with a V8 motor head if you drive a turbo.
13 Adidas goes well with Kappa.
14 One phone call + 2 minutes = 50 habibs.
15 Doing laps around Chapel St. has its many uses. It allows a wog to scope out the available merchandise walking the streets, allows other wogs to scope out those 18 inch rims on your civic and most importantly its an efficient way to burn a tank of petrol.
16 Simply checking out the local talent while driving leads to nothing. For an effective method of entertaining the ladies and yourself, a few beeps from the horn and some effluent language does not go astray.
17 If you enjoy your job, then you’re not technically “working”. If you’re not technically working, then Centrelink does not have to know about it.
18 For a car you can rev the crap out of, get a Honda. For a turbo, get a Nissan. Toyota's are good for a laugh, and you can't beat the backseat in Jim’s Valiant.
19 For some real food, take Leb bread along with salad and tomatoes to KFC and order 4 crispy strips.
20 It is embarrassing when you use the same razor and after-shave as your mate Gino Popolopolis’ sister.

[*MAD DOG*]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh. '

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE