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Old 10-20-2008, 08:53 AM   #1
*MAD DOG*
 
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The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

Post all your jokes here.

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying QANTAS from Melbourne to Perth. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because QANTAS always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
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Old 10-20-2008, 08:55 AM   #2
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Bears In Bars

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

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The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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Old 10-20-2008, 08:56 AM   #3
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Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,

'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with
tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....
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Scroll Down You'll Love This
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'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:15 AM   #4
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A platoon of Australian soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Commander asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when the bloody truck hit us.'
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Old 10-20-2008, 08:26 PM   #5
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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:




You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!




So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'




So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:06 PM   #6
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Guts or Balls, There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in
death.
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some people are little slinkies. . . . .they are really good for nothing. . . .but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


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Old 10-20-2008, 09:11 PM   #7
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At the service one Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to thank my wife for standing by me through all this. I could have never made it without her...but honey, the word is...













STERNUM!.'
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Old 10-20-2008, 09:18 PM   #8
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Chinese Sick Day


Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great...... I be work soon.......... you got nice house."
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some people are little slinkies. . . . .they are really good for nothing. . . .but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


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Old 10-20-2008, 09:19 PM   #9
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When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares.
They would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one
Legend always stuck in my mind.

It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.

There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love
with a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand,
on the shore, each on their respective side of the Lake,
and chant Indian love calls to each other...even though
they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever
come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight.
When they reached each other in the center of the Lake,
they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act
so impressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake
after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
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"Lake Stupid."
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some people are little slinkies. . . . .they are really good for nothing. . . .but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


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Old 10-21-2008, 12:04 AM   #10
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Some good jokes there Bob, keep em coming.
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Old 10-21-2008, 01:45 AM   #11
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I just love your 5th post! It's true.. Women are hard to please.
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Old 10-21-2008, 01:58 AM   #12
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Ah life is returnning to normal again, bring on the jokes people
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:21 PM   #13
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Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.
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some people are little slinkies. . . . .they are really good for nothing. . . .but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.


Come to the DARKSIDE..... We have candy
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:25 PM   #14
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LOL
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:20 PM   #15
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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most

unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black

hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man

walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time

to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you

walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?'

The man in the procession replied, 'Well, that first hearse is for my wife.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My pit bull attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the

dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue.'
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:43 PM   #16
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A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There's always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his goddamn widow.
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Old 10-22-2008, 05:18 PM   #17
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Warning to all guys-

After shopping at the local Home Depot, i was on my way to the car when I was approached by two drop dead gorgeous ladies, both wearing tight shorts and bikini tops. The brunette asked me if I could give them a ride to the local mall, and I wouldn't be sorry if I did. Agreeing they both jumped in the back seat where they started making out with one another! As they got more and more excited, they asked me to join them. What could I say? An hour later, after the most intense sex I've ever had, I left these two lovely ladies at the mall.

When I got home, I noticed my wallet and all my cash was gone!!!!! So guys, be careful! this has happened to me on the first of this month, the third,fourth, seventh, ninth and thirteenth!!!
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:39 PM   #18
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
Begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f#ckin arsehole !!"
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