Infidelity

[yaris-me]

From time to time, its only natural to wonder if the person you are romantically involved with is having sex with someone else. The problem becomes compounded when you have dated someone in the past that has violated your trust. Indeed, "cheating" is perhaps one of the most devastating emotional traumas a person can endure.

So how do you know if your suspicions are true? The answer to this question is somewhat complex. What follows are five cues to possible infidelity. These are not intended to act as a complete list and the totality of your partner's behavior should be taken into consideration when examining these cues.

1. You indirectly find out from your partner that he or she is having sex with someone else. This can include:

* Smelling "sex" on a partner.
* Your partner suddenly asks to have sex with other people.
* Your partner suddenly does not want to have sex anymore.
* Your partner calls you by the name of another person during an act of sex (not a former boyfriend or girlfriend.

2. Revelations of sexual infidelity.

* You witness or are directly told of your partner having sex with another.
* Your partner confesses to having an affair.
* Someone admits to you they have been having sex with your partner.

3. Exaggerated displays of affection.

* Your partner suddenly starts to profess his or her "love" more than they used to.
* Your partner suddenly starts acting overly affectionate.
* Your partner starts talking about sex more often.

4. Sexual disinterest or boredom.

* Your partner starts to act like he or she is "going through the motions" when having sex.
* Your partner suddenly seems less sexually aroused.
* Your partner begins to have shorter sex sessions, replacing what was once a long, passionate experience.

5. Emotional disengagement

* Your partner doesn't respond when you say, "I love you".
* Your partner suddenly starts acting rude towards you and distancing himself or herself from your daily life.
* Your partner starts looking for reasons to start an argument with you and then says, "We just don't get along - we should think about this relationship".
* Your partner changes the subject when a certain person's name comes up and acts anxious.
* Your partner refuses to make eye contact with you, where once this was not an issue.

To be sure, nobody wants to be emotionally violated. This is because feelings and emotions are fragile things and it hurts when the person we love causes pain. If you suspect that your partner is cheating, then it might be time to confront him or her and ask for answers. Before doing so, be sure to have a sound basis for making accusations - a charge of infidelity is extremely serious. That said, sometimes that little voice deep inside is right.



Some other examples:
You smell another unfamiliar cologne.
You go to a restaurant and the waitress calls you by another name.
You are asked about a hobby you don't have.
You are asked to do things you never knew how to do.
Your partner's friend avoids eye contact and talking to you.
They watch TV shows they were never interested in before.
They listen to strange new music with pleasure.


Here's a start, continue......

[YAR1S]

.......damn.

[frownonfun]

while in conversation, your partner calls you by another name. for example your name is zac but they call you by a completely different name like say, travis.

or

you call them up at night, assuming they don't live with you, and you hear someone snoring in the background yet they claim to be alone.

or

you come home from work, assuming they live with you at this point, and everything they own is gone from the house and there is a note saying they moved in with someone else. ok well i guess technically at this point they wouldn't be cheating on you but you'd know that they had been when you were still a couple.

damn hussy.

[GeneW]

What I've seen......

Something is wrong with the normal course of arousal between the two of you. They don't respond to gestures or rituals meant to increase sexual tension or they respond abnormally, as if they are learning new patterns.... At first these will be subtle but in time they will become more obvious.

Usually if rituals change some sort of communication or warning appears, such as a shared experience, movie or so on. They may also claim that a friend whom you know told them about it. You will be able to check this out.

If changes appear "out of the blue" you may have a problem....

Novel modes of communication appear, for example, they acquire a new kind of cell phone, email address, social networking site or some other means of keeping in touch. You will be told that these are "personal" or "no big deal". Time will be diverted for use of these new channels.

They acquire a new "outside" activity, one that demands that they are away from you for periods of time. They get a new "job" or "hobby". This new activity will not include you or will be conveniently scheduled while you are working. They will rarely talk of this new activity and will hide any interest in it from you.

They suddenly acquire new "friends" but these friends tend to have no names. You also are discouraged from meeting them, either because it's never convenient or because you "wouldn't get along with them". I've read that in cases of infidelity people chose partners who are often quite different from their regular partner.

They acquire interest in new kinds of sexual acts, positions, and what not. Depending upon their gender and character they may increase activity with you or diminish it.

Long before you get the bum's rush you can see the signs.

The antidote to this whole thing is self respect. If you can hack being alone, and do not lose your temper, you can either fix the relationship or gracefully disengage from it.

[mrbond]

Finding some other male's shirt or other article of clothing in her car, bag, or living space. Or the random flirt/love note from some other guy that clearly isn't new, hence no wrinkles or anything in the paper. Or, in the case of one of those weird non-flip phones that instantly displays the contents of a txt message without having to press any buttons, getting a txt from some guy ending in "I love you" or "can't wait to see you again" or "you were so good."
Yup, interesting times. And very hard to bring up in a rational, calm discussion.

[GeneW]

How to tell if a Lady is of the cheating mind....

She will complain about her husband. She may even talk like she hates her husband. She will criticize him in front of groups of people, such as coworkers.

There is the normal banter that married people use, such as "It's cheaper to keep him" or "I put up with him" and embittered complaints such as "He's never home", "All he thinks about is himself" and so on.

Usually there is a note of resignation to her complaining, as if she is trapped for financial reasons, or because she doesn't want to disrupt her children's lives. Ordinarily her husband is pictured as "out of touch", "indifferent" or inadequate in some way.

She will have a grievance and will be angry at him.

She will hint that she has sought "swinging" and other low grade forms of running around.

She will state that she would sleep with a famous person, such as a pop star, athlete or other high status male "if she could have him". She will say this while looking at you.

She may state that she would sleep with someone for a "million dollars" or may perform a sex act for same.

I've noticed that ladies who marry their high school sweethearts early in life tend to outgrow them. Usually after being married for ten years or more they will have buyer's remorse. The boy they married grew up, more so they did too. People change a lot in their late teens and early twenties and sometimes people grow together or apart.

I have seen this effect often in the medical field, especially with nurses who educated themselves after they were married in order to help make ends meet. There are a lot of women in medicine. They talk to one another. Unless you're a doc you're a low status male or peer. You're fair game.

The status of the husband seems to be irrelevant - some were Execs others blue collar workers.

Unless she is a veteran cheater she will require assistance, such as alcohol, her hormones or other means. If she has run around on him before and has grown accustomed to the idea she is probably no different from any other lady who wants to play. She probably has a "system" down cold, both to get you and to dump you.


Unless you are a person who likes to have sex for its own sake, and you don't form emotional connections well with others, this will be a bit of fun for you.

If you admire her and think you could have a future with her, any relations are an awful mistake.

If you are actually stupid enough to fall in love with her you will get exactly what you deserve - dumped. You can't trust her. You can't keep her. You risk all sorts of awful things.

In every case one can say, "Don't expect too much". Panic will ensue especially if you have attributes that her nasty old man lacks, such as wits, passion, "personal" attributes and so on. She will not handle it well if she finds that you're not so much fun as needed and she's still trapped with the battle ax.

These days I run like a scalded cat when the hints start getting tossed around and keep things on the level with the married.

Gene

[supmet]

Ah, the pain humans go through chasing the idea of monogamy. Somehow a few hundred years of religion still hasn't changed the millions of years of evolutionary desire to make babies in the most efficient manner possible. Men are hard wired to put it in as many women deemed to be suitable to have children - THIS is instinctual desire. Instincts overturn logic, reason, and most of all - love. Women are less geared to cheat, as they want men to stick around and protect them and the young - but if they aren't pregnant within a few months, or you are starting to look like you aren't the provider and protector she once though you were - they will soon move on.

So if an arbitrary law passed by religious bigots(who rape children now) 100s of years ago is more important than the person you love, then force them into monogamy and get the marriage counseling check ready. If not, then I think the only rational remedy for the situation is to realize that sex and love are two entirely different things.

[nemelek]

18 years ago I was involved in what I thought was a very deep and mutual relationship. There were a few things didn't add up. She had a few emontional problems and I dismissed her behavior. What she said and what she did didn't match up. Every month or so she needed time to herself. Finally I stalked her. I know it was wrong, however I am glad I did because I found out the truth. She had an old boyfriend from another city visit her. It hurt my pride but it finally explained everything that didn't add up and I left her shortly thereafter.

I have been involved in 3 relationships afterwards and have never felt the need to not trust the person I was with. Although spying on another could be wrong, if you got that gut feeling and you are usually not the jealous type I would find a was to check her/him out. Use other friends and don't get caught if you are wrong. I always like that TV show Cheaters.

The truth sometimes hurts but the truth will also set you free.

[GeneW]

How to Cheat...

Don't. Easy not to start.


If you insist the following fun advice will help you.... (and help others who seek to catch cheaters).

Denial isn't a river in Egypt. Adultery sails on a sea of denial. Anyone with half a sense can tell if the responses of their other half seem different, especially during physical intimacy. So your goal as a cheater is to keep Denial Alive.

Always stay "under the radar".

1. Never embarrrass the spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. If they can pretend it's all on the up and up they won't be motivated to watch you. That means don't do stupid stuff like parking, public sex and so on.

2. We're just friends. Do friend things but not in public. Keep public appearances to anonymous places like bars, malls and so on. Being seen in public sometimes makes people gossip, and sometimes gossip reaches the wrong ears.

3. If you're gonna have relations do them in inconspicuous places, such as the home of a third party (what are friends for?), at the married partner's house in broad daylight (purloined letter), or at work (no kidding). At work is the most fun because you can control it to some degree and it makes the rest of the work experience spicy (we did that in that room, and so on).

The downside of doing it at work is that you can get fired. Not cool.

Motels are fine but know the proprietor and make sure that they are trustworthy. Take only one car, leaving the other parked where it is "expected".

"Parking" is dumb. Too many cameras and other stuff out there today. However sometimes you can pull it off too.

4. Secret communications - email is very dangerous because it leaves a trail. Texting is almost as dangerous. I lack experience with IM but imagine that it leaves an auditable trail and you never know who is on the other end. Ditto for chat rooms.

Talk in public places is the safest way, except that there are witnesses. Selecting out of the way places is cool. Work, once again, is safe unless you have enemies who will dime you out. Quite a few married women like that romantic aspect of cheating (she wasn't happy with her old man but can't escape) and will cooperate but not always.

5. Long term. To a cheating spouse there is no tomorrow. Be prepared to roll it up and say "no harm, no foul" at any time, as she may get cold feet.

6. Sneaking around...

a. Park in different places
b. Use different cars. What are friends for?
c. Avoid patterns or habits. I busted my Ex this way, they were too consistent in their patterns.
d. Anything unusual or odd for them.

Act like their spouse or an agent of their spouse has you under observation at all times. Ask yourself, "How do I keep this under the radar?".

I'll add some more "advice" as it comes back to me.

Gene

[SIPNGAS]

It all seems a bit hopeless. I think it's all about self-respect, self-indulgence, greed, and compassion.

Without self-respect and compassion, anybody is at risk of becoming a cheater or allow themselves to be cheated on.

Those who are self-indulgent and greedy never consider what they do and how it will impact the person that's supposed to mean the most to them. It's all about the moment and who cares about the results to any involved.

btdt and I would rather be alone and rather lonely.

[frownonfun]

Originally Posted by supmet

Ah, the pain humans go through chasing the idea of monogamy. Somehow a few hundred years of religion still hasn't changed the millions of years of evolutionary desire to make babies in the most efficient manner possible. Men are hard wired to put it in as many women deemed to be suitable to have children - THIS is instinctual desire. Instincts overturn logic, reason, and most of all - love. Women are less geared to cheat, as they want men to stick around and protect them and the young - but if they aren't pregnant within a few months, or you are starting to look like you aren't the provider and protector she once though you were - they will soon move on.

So if an arbitrary law passed by religious bigots(who rape children now) 100s of years ago is more important than the person you love, then force them into monogamy and get the marriage counseling check ready. If not, then I think the only rational remedy for the situation is to realize that sex and love are two entirely different things.

they are two different things i agree, but you have to realize that humans are territorial by nature. so you can't just resign yourself to being ok with your lover sleeping around with other people. that's just way easier said than done. i don't think wanting your partner to be respectful of you and your emotions is forcing them into monogamy.

[frownonfun]

Originally Posted by nemelek

18 years ago I was involved in what I thought was a very deep and mutual relationship. There were a few things didn't add up. She had a few emontional problems and I dismissed her behavior. What she said and what she did didn't match up. Every month or so she needed time to herself. Finally I stalked her. I know it was wrong, however I am glad I did because I found out the truth. She had an old boyfriend from another city visit her. It hurt my pride but it finally explained everything that didn't add up and I left her shortly thereafter.

I have been involved in 3 relationships afterwards and have never felt the need to not trust the person I was with. Although spying on another could be wrong, if you got that gut feeling and you are usually not the jealous type I would find a was to check her/him out. Use other friends and don't get caught if you are wrong. I always like that TV show Cheaters.

The truth sometimes hurts but the truth will also set you free.

hmm personally i think if you are feeling an overwhelming need to stalk or spy or check up on your partner than you should probably just skip all the drama and walk away. trust your instincts. they are probably right so, if you can, do what GeneW said and gracefully disengage. even if they aren't cheating, which they probably are, you still don't trust them and there is no reason to be with someone you don't trust.

[GeneW]

Originally Posted by SIPNGAS

Those who are self-indulgent and greedy never consider what they do and how it will impact the person that's supposed to mean the most to them. It's all about the moment and who cares about the results to any involved.

Women I've seen who cheat were missing something in their lives. Most often it was either anger at their men or they felt that life was passing them by and they had to take something "else".

Usually the fantasy ended up being vastly different from the reality..

Most of the "players" I knew over the years were guys who wanted some fun. Thrill of the hunt and catch. Sometimes they felt were missing something at home. Who can say?

Originally Posted by SIPNGAS

btdt and I would rather be alone and rather lonely.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Some of my loneliest moments have been in a crowd of people and some of the least lonely was when I was alone doing something useful.

I have a good friend who will sometimes have a bad day and will overcompensate by seeking approval or who will rant. His long winded tirades inevitably end up bolstering him. I've spent hours with him but was not even there because I shut out his non-sense and those were indeed very lonely moments for me. Don't see much of him as I used to because I haven't yet learned how to shut off the bile. Yet.

The hardest part for me was learning to trust myself rather than another person. People do things for their own reasons. When I started to learn that it wasn't "personal" but something they wanted that I wouldn't or couldn't give them that inspired cheating I learned to deal with it.

A lot of guys get upset because they imagine that a woman wants something freakish (name your point of comparison) in another guy but most of the time it's a sense of connection and engagement that they cannot furnish. Ever. You can't be all things to someone and to even try to do so diminishes you.

There are simply people out there who won't let anyone get close to them. The love of my life was such a person, and to this day she still wanders out there looking and looking for that someone who will finally rescue her. She remarried a few years ago and I've heard that recently she's "on the prowl" again. She will never find what she seeks though for a short time she thought she found it with me. Life goes on.

Gene

[KCALB SIRAY]

How about when you walk in on them bumpin uglies?

[GeneW]

Originally Posted by KCALB SIRAY

How about when you walk in on them bumpin uglies?

Not cool. That's the kind of stuff that can get you beat up or killed for "rape".

Gene

[yaris-me]

Infidelity happens. Why it happens is just that, it happens. You don't want it to happen to you, but being aware of the signs can help you save a relationship or give you an early time to exit. Knowing the relationship is over you can save your self respect allowing you to move on. Moving forward is everything.