The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

[*MAD DOG*]

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. Obviously, he couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"


The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[*MAD DOG*]

A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic,

"Nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter."

She replies "Brilliant, how often do I have to do that?''

[*MAD DOG*]

It's been a while, but I finally got a joke worth posting, enjoy.....

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner ..

'Good morning,' he says. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!'I said.'I haven't got any dough!,'I'm broke!'and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he says. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning......What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'

[sickpuppy1]

You already posted that one on the last page, but it IS funny,LOL

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by sickpuppy1

You already posted that one on the last page, but it IS funny,LOL

Doh! Yup, double post, but in my defense, it was in February. At least I know someone reads this thread :P

[why?]

i read it too, it is entertaining.

[SailDesign]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[.Kevin.]

Timothy and his grandpa go fishing one day
on there way to the lake grandpa stops at a gas station and buys smokes.

When they arrive at the lake, he begins to toke at his smokes and Timothy says

"Grandpa, mind if I try some?"

And Grandpa replied with a stern

"Well Tim, can your dick touch your asshole?"

Timothy replied with a startled

"No!"

"Well then you're too young yet Timothy."

Later on the same scenario happens with beer.

... The day passes by and it begins to get dark, so they head home.

Once again Grandpa stops at the Gas Station and buys a two scratch and win lotto tickets.

Grandpa scratches and gets 2$

"Well this is a load of shit" he says with a sigh

Right as he goes to scratch the second, Timothy asks

"Grandpa can I try?"

Grandpa gives in and hands him the ticket

"I guess, this can cause you no harm afterall and shit, even women play this anyways"

A few minutes later Timothy yells

"YA!"

And grandpa swerves into a ditch

"What the fuck was that for?!"

And Timothy begins to explain

"I won! I won! TEN THOUUUSAND BUCKAROOS"


Then grandpa momentairly forgets the situation and starts hugging Timothy.

"YA DO plan to share that with yer grandpa right Tim!"

Timothy then scratches his head and looks over

"Well, can your peepee touch your pooper?"

"Of course it can Tim! I'm a grown man."

Shortly after Timothy replies,

"THEN HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF OLD MAN"

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.* As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.*
*
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."*
*
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"*
*
"Yes, I am sure.* Your duck is dead," replied the vet..*
*
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.* "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.* He might just be in a coma or something."*
*
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.*
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.* As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.*
*
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.*
*
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.* A few minutes later he returned with a cat.* The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.* The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.*
*
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."*
*
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.*

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.* "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"*
*
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.* If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."*

[why?]

ok that rocks.

[*MAD DOG*]

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

[*MAD DOG*]

Just before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[*MAD DOG*]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[*MAD DOG*]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[*MAD DOG*]

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!

[*MAD DOG*]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman:

"Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy:

"What the f#*k do you think?"

[yaris2010RS]

LMFAO, i will start posting some of my email jokes here :)

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh...... from way back there I thought you said Goats."