The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Inspectors *funeral, a voice from inside screams
*
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
*
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
*
“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

[*MAD DOG*]

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[*MAD DOG*]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over
his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop
winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[*MAD DOG*]

Hey everyone. I've created my own funnies page on facebook called I like I like. Please "like" I like I like. Thanks. http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-like...31992676889047

[TLyttle]

Are youi going to abandon us?? Not everyone here is on Facebook, and I would sure miss your input...

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by TLyttle

Are youi going to abandon us?? Not everyone here is on Facebook, and I would sure miss your input...

Still posting on both at this stage.

[*MAD DOG*]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. I could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kats, M&M, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot...

http://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

[*MAD DOG*]

The wife was screaming at her Husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

http://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

[*MAD DOG*]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.”

[*MAD DOG*]

For those that haven't. Please visit and like my facebook funnies page. https://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

A guy goes into a bar, and a robot bartender greets him.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar on another day.



The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy once again says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy then says, "110."

The robot then starts to talk about baseball, NASCAR, and John Deere tractors.



The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar for the 3rd time.

The robot once again says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 75."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[*MAD DOG*]

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us."

[*MAD DOG*]

A YOUNG GUY FROM TEXAS MOVES TO CALIFORNIA AND GOES TO A BIG "EVERYTHING UNDER ONE ROOF" DEPARTMENT STORE LOOKING FOR A JOB.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[*MAD DOG*]

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ _____________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor crippled orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Everyday Jokes
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[*MAD DOG*]

Everyday Jokes
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?":)

[*MAD DOG*]

I used to be frustrated by people talking at movie theaters, until I realised how entertaining it was to bring a spray bottle with me and pretend to sneeze.