The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[nemelek]

'Please
note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the
Appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE
PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.



*******************************



FEMALE
PROCEDURE:

What
is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!



1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card th e right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt
in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Bob_VT]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

[Bob_VT]

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

[nemelek]

If I ever need to control a sexual urge, I picture Janet Reno and Pat Schroeder doing it.

[Bob_VT]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his belt and zipper and put her hands inside his pants. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

[Bob_VT]

The Queen

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart. The fart shakes the coach and the smell is overwhelming! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Bob_VT]

Baby Planes?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.
So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant. "I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you."

[Bob_VT]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE .... I'M BROKE!!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[*MAD DOG*]

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[nemelek]

Mother Daughter

[Bob_VT]

Questions & Answers

Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.

Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn't hard.

[Pepe]

Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Bob_VT]

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

[Bob_VT]

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold ?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’

[*MAD DOG*]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's sitting quietly having a few beers when a short, well-dressed, and obviously gay man, walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal.

Leaning over closely to the Aboriginal the gay guy whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says, "Just what did he say to you?"

'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a job....'


(If you don't get the joke, most (not all) Aboriginals bludge on welfare there entire lives)

[*MAD DOG*]

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

[SilverBack]

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by k r a y z e e . j o j o

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

Aw, dood, I was just eating breakfast....