The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

BOSS said to an employee: 'Do you believe in life after Death?'

EMPLOYEE: Certainly not! There's no proof of it', he replied.

BOSS:' Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.'

[SilverBack]

^LMAO!! Owned!

Brunette: Bad news. I'm pregnant!
Blonde: OMG!! Is it yours?!

[SailDesign]

Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama.

For George W. they asked for suggestions from the public.
Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- The Housing Crunch
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanmallow
- imPeachMint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Country Pumpkin
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- WMDelicious
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe

and lastly -
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker... Swirl

[Kaotic Lazagna]

Originally Posted by k r a y z e e . j o j o

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up on this!

[*MAD DOG*]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** ******************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** ***********************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'



And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** ************************


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *******************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** ************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** ************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** *************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.


I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** ***********************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** **************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** *****************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....


************************************************** *********************

[SilverBack]

^Wow I don't think I'll ever get married now

Slacker walks into work at 10 AM. Boss looks at him and yells "Where were you?! You should've been here at 8!" Slacker asks "Why? What happened at 8?"

[*MAD DOG*]

Tiger Woods In Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

[*MAD DOG*]

You are a blonde on the bus when you suddenly realize...
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

[*MAD DOG*]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new European Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two ladies talking in heaven:


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

[*MAD DOG*]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

[SilverBack]

Guy goes up to brunette in a bar and says "I want to get in your panties". Brunette replies, "No thanks, I already have an asshole in there".

[Bob_VT]

A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy,how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what I can remember about that damn party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!

[KCALB SIRAY]

Stimulus Plan...now that's funny

[churp]

Originally Posted by KCALB SIRAY

Stimulus Plan...now that's funny

[KCALB SIRAY]

Leon Panetta...now that's funny

[SilverBack]

Bush finally admitting he screwed up, ..that's hilarious!

[bobselectric]

Four cabinet appointees who don't pay taxes-- now that's funny!