The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[Bob_VT]

MANNERS FOR THE REDNECK


1. Never take a beer to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ’Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[*MAD DOG*]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them......

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proce eded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she
danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
While he bent over to pick it up... All the other bells started to
ring....

[*MAD DOG*]

Bad taste, just got this in an email.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett?

A. Farah was a pin-up in young boys bedrooms wherea Michael used to pin-down young boys in the bedroom.

[*MAD DOG*]

Due to the death of Michael Jackson, black armbands will be worn by all jockeys at tomorrow’s race meetings. In honour of a man that has ridden more three year olds than anyone else.

[eTiMaGo]

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse
to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees
a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the
ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss
won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from
this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home
for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the
boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hang-
ing up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are
DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a
light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of
today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her
it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to
follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".

[Bob_VT]

More to ponder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11.. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[*MAD DOG*]

^
I like that one. Good work. Keep em coming.

[eTiMaGo]

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the
scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand
to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

[*MAD DOG*]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[*MAD DOG*]

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[*MAD DOG*]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[*MAD DOG*]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[*MAD DOG*]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to
see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta’ warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna’ be some fight’n too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna’ be the two of us.'

[*MAD DOG*]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went
To the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
The Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you

Have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
Favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
Weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
Indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind, but I do have one
More question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over.........?"

[*MAD DOG*]

TRUE LOVE



An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

[*MAD DOG*]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'