The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[yaris2010RS]

are newfie jokes known internationally? or only in canada?


A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
> friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was
> a big brass gong and a mallet.'What's with that big brass gong?' one
> of the guests asked.
> 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.'A talking
> clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.'Yup' replied the
> Newfie.'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.'Watch' the
> Newfie replied.
> He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and
> stepped back.The three stood looking at one another for a
> moment.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You
> asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[ilikerice]

^^LOL, yea. i think those jokes can go with blonde jokes as well.. but is a Newfie someone from Newfoundland? just curious

[yaris2010RS]

Originally Posted by ilikerice

^^LOL, yea. i think those jokes can go with blonde jokes as well.. but is a Newfie someone from Newfoundland? just curious

lol, yeah a newfie is someone from newfoundland. very nice people but some feel they are not as bright as the rest of canada.....

[SailDesign]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider

your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest

to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And ... you're now singing it to yourself!

[*MAD DOG*]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by yaris2010RS

LMFAO, i will start posting some of my email jokes here :)

That's what this thread is for and I look forward to more of your jokes.

[TLyttle]

Andy... damn, that's funny, very original!

[*MAD DOG*]

Before sex, you help each other get naked!! After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been fucked.

[yaris2010RS]

A man goes into Chapter's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
he replied "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

[yaris2010RS]

A NEWFOUNDLAND FARMER




A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had

a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned

by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot

solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.


Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what

happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow,

Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,

'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into

the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact

that, at the scene of the accident, this man told

the police on the scene that he was fine. Now

several weeks after the accident, he is trying

to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please

tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested

in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his

favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving

her down the road when this huge Eversweet

truck and trailer came through a stop sign and

hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown

into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the

other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want

to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie

moaning and groaning. I knew she was in

terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a

motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie

moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition,

he took out his gun and shot her between

the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun

still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?'

[yaris2010RS]

**_THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLOND GENIES_**** ***
>
> **A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP
PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.**
>
> **TWO BLOND GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED
THREE WISHES.**
>
> **THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLOND GENIES DISAPPEAR.**
>
> **THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE
MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.**
>
> **AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS
FABULOUS HOUSE.**
>
> **SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.**
>
> **THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.**
>
> **HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX
KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW
> A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.**
>
>
> **AS THE CLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE
TWO BLOND GENIES.**
>
>
> **ONE BLOND GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST
WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.**
>
> **I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.**
>
> **BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'**
>

[yaris2010RS]

please do not take this joke the wrong way, it is in no way ment to be racest

Thank heaven, SOMEONE HAS FINALLY CLEARED THIS UP:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their
foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was
connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy
in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry
into the union. On her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in North America. If nothing is there, he must remain in
India to answer telephones and provide us with Internet technical support.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[yaris2010RS]

for those again who arnt canadian, newfies have a bit of an accent...

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if
he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.


The owner puts the budgies in
a cardboard box.


George and Gerry pay for the birds,
leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at
the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box,
puts one on each shoulder and jumps
off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly
off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, George shakes his head
and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie
jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the
edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says,
'And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the
shock of losing two friends when
Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and
is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its
legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...
And now Bren and his
fook'n hengliding!'

[yaris2010RS]

Jill goes home one night with a guy she meets at the clubs. He is tall, super hot and seems different than most other guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but to notice a shelf full of teddy bears! On the bottom shelf are small teddy bears all lined up next to each other. The middle have medium sized bears all lined up beside each other. And finally the top shelf have all large Teddy bears lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is very sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she wants to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blow job, let's him pound the shit outta her, and even takes it up the ass!! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, smiles at him and asks "how was that?"
He nods and says, "not too fuckin bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the middle shelf!

[*MAD DOG*]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these n..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[yaris2010RS]

DIY REALITY

Tool: Safety Goggles

What the instruction manual says: Protect your eyes from flying debris

What you actually do: Use it as a temporary container for screws, etc.



Tool: Welding hood

What the instruction manual says: Keep you from being blinded by the light from projects involving any kind of torch, keep sparks out of your face

What you actually do: Breathe heavily and wave a flashlight around like a light saber, while claiming to be everyone’s father.



Tool: Magnifying glass

What the instruction manual says: Use in combination with really tiny screwdriver for repairing small devices

What you actually do: Solar-powered ant incinerator.



Tool: Vice

What the instruction manual says: Hold something still while you work on it

What you actually do: Get those damn pistachios open.



Tool: Goop

What the instruction manual says: Remove grease and oil stains from your hands

What you actually do: Gel up your hair



Tool: Steel-toed work boots

What the instruction manual says: Provide protection for your toes against dropped objects

What you actually do: Enhance the threat of a kick in the crotch



Tool: Spray ether

What the instruction manual says: Spray on a tractor’s breather to help it crank up

What you actually do: Combine with barbecue lighter to make a flame thrower.

[yaris2010RS]

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.


They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables






I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!