The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he had told a donkey to fuck off once.

[*MAD DOG*]

Got a phone call from my mate last night.

He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there
he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the
Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family
asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his
camera.

They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they
all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

[*MAD DOG*]

A farmhand appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the farmhand offered.

“On a trip to Longreach Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

[*MAD DOG*]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the*
gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...


"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

[*MAD DOG*]

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

[*MAD DOG*]

A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising

For a Gynaecologist's Assistant.



"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind

The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for

The gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them

Down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in

Soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to

Go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker!

[*MAD DOG*]

"Planking" is nothing new! My wifes been doing it for years - 'cept she calls it sex.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

[*MAD DOG*]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

[silver_echo]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the Mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

[*MAD DOG*]

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

[*MAD DOG*]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[*MAD DOG*]

*Irony of Life*

Men:
1 All men are extremely busy.
2 Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3 Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4 Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5 Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
with others.
6 Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if
the woman leaves them.
7 Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their
mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women
1 The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2 Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
clothes and stuff.
3 Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something
to wear.
4 Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
beautifully.
5 Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just
"an old rag".
6 Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
you to compliment them.
7 Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
believe you.

[JumpmanYaris]

so there is this sad guy,
and a friend walks up to him and asked him,
whats wrong bro?
He answers: I almost ran over my mother in law
other guy: WHAT?? WHAT HAPPENED? Did you brakes failed?
Sad guy: NAAA MAN MY ACCELERATOR BROKE!!

[BluYrs]

A Japanese man in New York complains to a bank: "I exchanged Yen week ago. Why this week I exchange same yen and get less dollar!?"

"Fluctuations", replies the cashier.

Storming out he yells, "Fluck you Amelicans!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms”