The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[silver_echo]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the Mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



"Because you got an F in sex."

[*MAD DOG*]

*Irony of Life*

Men:
1 All men are extremely busy.
2 Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3 Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4 Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5 Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
with others.
6 Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if
the woman leaves them.
7 Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their
mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women
1 The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2 Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
clothes and stuff.
3 Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something
to wear.
4 Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
beautifully.
5 Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just
"an old rag".
6 Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
you to compliment them.
7 Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
believe you.

[JumpmanYaris]

so there is this sad guy,
and a friend walks up to him and asked him,
whats wrong bro?
He answers: I almost ran over my mother in law
other guy: WHAT?? WHAT HAPPENED? Did you brakes failed?
Sad guy: NAAA MAN MY ACCELERATOR BROKE!!

[BluYrs]

A Japanese man in New York complains to a bank: "I exchanged Yen week ago. Why this week I exchange same yen and get less dollar!?"

"Fluctuations", replies the cashier.

Storming out he yells, "Fluck you Amelicans!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms”

[*MAD DOG*]

The Deaf Italian bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have
to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer
replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love Italian lawyers?

[*MAD DOG*]

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!


=================================

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

=================================

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

=================================

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

=================================

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

=================================

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

=================================

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

=================================

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.



=================================

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

=================================

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

[*MAD DOG*]

Man arrives home from work, remembering it is his wife birthday the next day
he asks her "What would you like for your birthday."

She replies " A divorce."

To this the man replies "I did not intend to spend that much."

[TLyttle]

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

[*MAD DOG*]

So how's your day going?

*

*There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
*trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down*in one swig.
*"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
*tears.
*"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand
*to see a man crying."
*"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
*I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
*lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
*I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man
*and then my dog bit me."
*"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I
*buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
*dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

*But enough about me, how's your day going?

[SailDesign]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
_____

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."
_____

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
_____

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a
name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
_____

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
_____

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[SilverBack]

Why don't men stop to ask for directions? Because we know how to read a map.

Originally Posted by TLyttle

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

And I don't plan it! Thank you, sir

[*MAD DOG*]

US RECESSION


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'
So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your
vocal cords..'

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

[SilverBack]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

[*MAD DOG*]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary
assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay
on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --
You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with
her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.



Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a
golf bag while we walk??
..

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

[*MAD DOG*]

(To make this joke American, substitute Julia Gillard for President Obama)

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Gillard is a 'Fence Post Turtle''..

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'fence post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'fence post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there,
she doesn't know what to do while she's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put her up there to begin with.