The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[P Davis]

Hey i went to the gas station and asked for $5.00 worth of gas.The attendant farted and handed me a receipt!!!!!!!

[*MAD DOG*]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilised and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realise that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying bitch she is ...

[*MAD DOG*]

Trump Explains Health Care



No one can sum it up better than Trump




Let me get this straight . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding a single new doctor,
but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that didn't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a Dumbo President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who
didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits take effect,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!



'What the hell could possibly go wrong?'

[silver_echo]

Sounds about right about the healthcare

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

[*MAD DOG*]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S.
General Patraeus.

They shook hands.
As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question
about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this TV show called Star Trek
and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back,

"That's because it takes place in the future".

[Spidermandud]

I don't always read jokes, but when I do, I prefer Mad Dog's.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by Spidermandud

I don't always read jokes, but when I do, I prefer Mad Dog's.

[*MAD DOG*]

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens.


"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.


"German" she replied.


"Occupation?"


"Nah, .... just here for a few days"...

[*MAD DOG*]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[*MAD DOG*]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian,
an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese,
a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burun...dian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian,
a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian,
a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean,
an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek,
a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander,
an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan,
a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger,
a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian,
a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander,
a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian,
a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,
a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian,
a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede,
a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan,
a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'

[*MAD DOG*]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born:
*"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son…. "
*The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:
*"I don't mean to be rude either….. but this is a vagina…. not a fucking photo-copier…"

[*MAD DOG*]

..

[*MAD DOG*]

THE PRANK CALLER

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[*MAD DOG*]

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
*
When I got to the door I couldn't jump.
So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches
& says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your ar$e !......
*
Mick asks "Did you jump?".
*
Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in".

[*MAD DOG*]

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"

[*MAD DOG*]

Peace and Quiet

A guy sits down in a local bar ordering several drinks in a row
downing them all rapidly looking all the while rather despondent.
The bartender asks, “Is everything okay, pal?”
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says,
“It could be a good thing, you know, a little peace and quiet.”
The guy at the bar responds,
“Yeah, but today is the last day.”