The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

(For those that don't know, Kevin Rudd is our Prime Minister and Julia Gillard is our deputy Prime Minister).

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in

a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical

outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now

and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old

stockman, complete with stock whip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the

dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the

other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted

the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail

like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

[*MAD DOG*]

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[*MAD DOG*]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs. Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave Back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of dat carrying on in dis pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're dat far in, you might as well funish.'

[*MAD DOG*]

You may be Taliban, if . . .


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your back side with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Bob_VT]

Getting Results

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
The befuddled clerk, in front of a growing crowd of customers, ran away to get the store manager.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!'
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
and, in doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and the woman's money was quickly refunded.

[Bob_VT]

How Bad Was She???


She was Soooooooo Bad .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
&n bsp;
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought t ha t she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Bad ...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[TLyttle]

... she spent 20 minutes leaping around madly in front of a spray bomb because the instructions said, "Shake well before using"...

[KCALB SIRAY]

There was a guy down in Florida who said that the age of 53 years old, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain and hail of a force-3 hurricane. Now, let me explain somethin' to ya: it isn't that the wind is blowin', it's what the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a Volvo, it doesn't matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"

I told him, "We're all gay, man. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes, you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right- do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women doing it?" He said, "Naw, I'll watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "OK, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) I did not know that about myself." "Do you like chocolate?"

Ron White

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Nice try but the pictures aint workin.

[*MAD DOG*]

Take a listen to this. It's a prank call

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/521485...nd_prank_call/

[*MAD DOG*]

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by PK198105

not to offend anyone , this is pretty funny:



Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:




Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

^
Nice try but the pictures aint workin.

Originally Posted by PK198105

is my image working now?

The first one is working now, but the second one is still not working.

[Bob_VT]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?


A. Because they taste bitter.

[nemelek]

Diet Expert

[Bob_VT]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

[*MAD DOG*]

David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've
got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies David.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[*MAD DOG*]

This is no joke. It's a true story. The Gas company is a joke.

This is a true story with an excellent outcome.
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a
bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill
and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't
send them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error
once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest
bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the
company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that
he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at
their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect
that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac
Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he
was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.
The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received
from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had
caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them
$0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take
immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim
against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince
the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which
were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and
difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a
higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month
period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation
they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??

[Bob_VT]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.