The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[Bob_VT]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

He responded, “She’ll find that out shortly.”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

“And by the way”, the blonde added, “it’s not a Porche, it’s a Lexus.”

[*MAD DOG*]

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Enjoy the Holidays!

Sincerely,

The Management

[Bob_VT]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee, and one pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly. "

[Bob_VT]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water."
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, 'I can't live with this anymore! It's too long.'

The doctor replied, 'I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the forest, she can help you.'

So, he went to the forest and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, 'Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there.

Ask her to marry you..she'll say 'No'.. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!'

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, 'Will you marry me?'

'No!', she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, 'Will you marry me?'

The frog said, 'No!'

And the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked again, 'Will you marry me?'

And the frog said, 'How many times do I have to tell you . .

No ! No ! No !

Moral: Know when to quit!

[Bob_VT]

Elmer came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,’You died in your sleep, Elmer..’

Elmer was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t believe it..I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Elmer was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen,huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Elmer the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don ‘t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘

‘Never,’ said Elmer.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

Elmer did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Elmer was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. Elmer! Wake up dammit. You shit the bed!’

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've
got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies David.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

Originally Posted by Bob_VT

Elmer came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,’You died in your sleep, Elmer..’

Elmer was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t believe it..I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Elmer was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen,huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Elmer the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don ‘t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘

‘Never,’ said Elmer.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

Elmer did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Elmer was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. Elmer! Wake up dammit. You shit the bed!’

Same joke Bob. Do you read my jokes or just post jokes?

[*MAD DOG*]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

[*MAD DOG*]

A young Chinese couple gets married.
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??

[Bob_VT]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorg eous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very sati sfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'










'So I just switched the heads.'

[*MAD DOG*]

She married and had 13 children.
Then her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
She remarried a third time and had 5 more children.
After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ' Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Christmas Carol For 2008

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town.

[churp]

BUMP....I'm starting to miss my morning jokes. Anybody????

[bobselectric]

John Kerry walks into a bar-- OUCH!

[bobselectric]

John Kerry walks into a bar-- the bartender says-

"Why the long face?"

[bobselectric]

An Irishman walks out of a bar---




Hey, It could happen!





Last three, Quick and lame

[Bob_VT]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can’t be found.

So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: “I think I can get you out.” So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: “Grab hold of my ‘thing’ and pull yourself up.”

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.

Moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[*MAD DOG*]

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!!


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$ We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company...
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$$incerely


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply


Dear Employee


I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

---- Your Boss.