The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born:
*"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son…. "
*The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:
*"I don't mean to be rude either….. but this is a vagina…. not a fucking photo-copier…"

[*MAD DOG*]

..

[*MAD DOG*]

THE PRANK CALLER

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[*MAD DOG*]

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
*
When I got to the door I couldn't jump.
So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches
& says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your ar$e !......
*
Mick asks "Did you jump?".
*
Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in".

[*MAD DOG*]

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"

[*MAD DOG*]

Peace and Quiet

A guy sits down in a local bar ordering several drinks in a row
downing them all rapidly looking all the while rather despondent.
The bartender asks, “Is everything okay, pal?”
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says,
“It could be a good thing, you know, a little peace and quiet.”
The guy at the bar responds,
“Yeah, but today is the last day.”

[*MAD DOG*]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Inspectors *funeral, a voice from inside screams
*
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
*
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
*
“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

[*MAD DOG*]

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[*MAD DOG*]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over
his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop
winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[*MAD DOG*]

Hey everyone. I've created my own funnies page on facebook called I like I like. Please "like" I like I like. Thanks. http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-like...31992676889047

[TLyttle]

Are youi going to abandon us?? Not everyone here is on Facebook, and I would sure miss your input...

[*MAD DOG*]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. I could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kats, M&M, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot...

http://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

[*MAD DOG*]

The wife was screaming at her Husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

http://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by TLyttle

Are youi going to abandon us?? Not everyone here is on Facebook, and I would sure miss your input...

Still posting on both at this stage.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.”

[*MAD DOG*]

For those that haven't. Please visit and like my facebook funnies page. https://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

A guy goes into a bar, and a robot bartender greets him.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar on another day.



The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy once again says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy then says, "110."

The robot then starts to talk about baseball, NASCAR, and John Deere tractors.



The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar for the 3rd time.

The robot once again says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 75."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[*MAD DOG*]

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us."