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Old 02-08-2009, 10:29 PM   #1
Altitude
 
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Bad Driving Techniques

I thought I'd have a little fun with this Safe Driving thread:

http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13560

If you're a bad driver please add to this thread any bad driving skills and techniques. But please limit your posts to bad techniques and not good ones.

ALL GOOD KIDS LIKE MILK This will help you remember

Aim high in steering:
This means when driving you want to look as far down the road as possible. This will help you pick out the targets you want to harrass. If you see a road hazard, head straight for it, if you are lucky you can cause damage to someone else. It will also help you to analyze the traffic patterns and choose the most hazardous way of travel. Remember, you own the road.

Get the big picture:
Don't focus only on the car in front of you, ride up its ass and flash your high beams. Who the hell do they think they are driving in front of you anyway? Look at others behavior, is the person driving too fast for traffic conditions or too slow? Pick the slow ones and try to maneuver in behind them so you can tailgate and flash your highbeams at them. If they are signaling to change lanes get along side of them to prevent it and act as if you don't even notice them.

When driving in residential sectors ride up on the curbs and get as close as you can to driveways (this will increase your chance of having someone back into you, giving you a reason to get out of the car and beat their ass.)

Keep your eyes moving:
A proper driving technique is to check your immediate area around your car every 5-10 seconds. Screw that. A good way to start is first remove the mirror of the side that is most exposed to traffic follow through with your rearview and then the other side. Who needs mirrors anyway? They will only distract you from finding other motorists to hassle. Try to read the other vehicle movement, for example if you see the other car in front of you is inching closer to the dividing line it can be an indication that the person wants to switch lanes. This is your moment to prevent that from happening, just be sure you flip them the bird when you pass them. If it's a chick on a cellphone, you can also make a V with your fingers, hold it to your mouth and waggle your tongue. Chicks dig that shit. You might even get her cell phone number.

Leave yourself an out:
Pretty self explanatory. Always leave yourself just enough room to slip between cars. You shouldn't have so much space in front of you so that you can see the rear tires touch pavement. This would mean the driver in front of you won't be able to see your headlamps at optimum brightness. My suggestion is limit your distance to about 2 ft. This way if you need to get out of the spot in a hurry you can make a sudden lane change and increase the likelihood someone behind you will crash. You might even clip the car in front of you sending them spinning out of control thus scoring double points!

Make sure they see you:
Intersections and other drivers will only slow you down. Fuck em. Keep both eyes forward and floor it. Are the cars stopped? Make eye contact with the other drivers, directly or indirectly in their mirrors. When they notice you mouth the words 'Fuck You'. Use your horn, lay on that mother like there's no tomorrow. If someone looking at you seems upset, scream obscenities and flip 'em the bird. At least they saw you and got the fuck out of your way. Headlights are for pussies, everyone knows that. The only time they should be used is to blind oncoming traffic or for those people in front of you who don't get the fuck out of your way.

Slam on your brakes on the highway as much as possible. Not using your brakes for no apparent reason is unsafe. The more people that see your brake lights the more they will slow down so you have the road all to yourself, afterall you own it! Secondly just tapping the brake has been proven to provoke a chain reaction of people tapping their brakes thus contributing to traffic congestion, which is exactly what you want.

Hope this will help you be a worse driver. Fuck everyone else.
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Old 02-08-2009, 10:37 PM   #2
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Somebody took the Smith System driving class.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:32 AM   #3
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1. You are the only being in the Universe. Everyone else is a figment of your imagination. This idea will help to make you focused and decisive on the road.
a. Pay no attention to the world around you.
b. Other drivers don't care about you so don't care about them.
c. You're not dead so it stands to reason that everyone who should have gotten out of your way did so.

2. A Cell phone will help stave off boredom. Don't hesitate to use it. Only people who can't walk and chew bubble gum cannot safely drive and use a cell phone.
3. The leftmost lane is yours. Use it well. The right of way belongs to the person who got there first. If you're ahead it stands to reason that you are in the right. Anyone who is behind you is selfish and just wants to speed. Speed kills after all.
4. Don't fear collision - your Yaris is engineered to take rough hits. It will protect you well.
5. Alcohol and other CNS depressants help to relax you, and will improve your reactions.
Only weak sisters and pantywaists are afraid to have one for the road.
6. The reason that things are "unexpected" is because they almost never happen. So don't worry about things because things always work out for the best.
7. Lastly, and mind this well, you really are a unique snowflake, and the only person in the Universe like you is you. So don't feel bad if others do not understand this fact and do not yield right of way to you. Just keep on plugging.

Gene
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:41 AM   #4
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Yeah!
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Old 02-09-2009, 09:33 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PK198105 View Post
what's funny and sad is people will take this thread more seriously than the proper driving techniques one. and people do act like in this thread.
Very true PK. Just for the record, I am not the type of driver pictured here, but I have been subjected to their asinine ways.
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Old 02-10-2009, 12:54 PM   #6
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Bad Driving Winter Add-ons :

1. Snow Clearing - No need to clear off more than just a porthole on the windshield. Never clean the top off since this snow is needed for blowing off and blinding other drivers once you are up to speed.

2. Slick Conditions - Don't worry about stopping distance. When you hit another car, they will slide more, so the damage will be less.

3. Following Distance - If it is snowing so hard that you cannot see the tail lights of the car in front of you, you are not following closely enough. The best is to actually be touching their rear bumper, eliminating the need for any braking on your part.

4. Snow Tires - Real snow tires are actually normal tires with snow packed into the treads. If you start to see tread on your tires, stop and re-pack with snow. Also, if the space between your wheel well and tire is not completely packed with snow, you should re-pack this area as well.

5. Ice Removal - Defrosters and ice scrapers are for the weak minded. Always remove ice from your windshield by turning the wipers on high. The resulting friction should melt the ice by the end of your trip, so you can look for the good parking spaces.

6. Courtesy Spray - Salt is an essential mineral. If you see a car that is not covered in salt, cut it off so you kick up a nice mist of concentrated road-salt solution They will most likely thank you with an arrangement of lights and horn honks. Say "you're welcome" by slamming on your brakes.
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Old 02-10-2009, 01:06 PM   #7
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Drive in any lane you want, at any speed you want, and don't worry about using signals when changing lanes (or even looking first!). Let the other guy worry about what you are doing, you just do what you want!

And always flip off the other guy, 'cause there is no way you could've done something wrong!

Cheers! M2
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Old 02-10-2009, 01:27 PM   #8
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Bigger is better so drive a gravel truck that way little mistakes (like running into someone) won't be that big of a deal (Y learn to drive if you don't need to)
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Old 02-10-2009, 05:07 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yaris-? View Post
Bigger is better so drive a gravel truck that way little mistakes (like running into someone) won't be that big of a deal (Y learn to drive if you don't need to)
Someone who lives near me bougt a Unimog and uses it as a daily driver. Just saw them at Wallyworld the other day. This thing is a MONSTER. InSaNitY
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Old 02-10-2009, 05:22 PM   #10
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Imagine filling the tanks on this thing
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Old 02-10-2009, 05:26 PM   #11
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It's ok to let the dog sit on your lap and look out the window while you drive.
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