The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful Woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[*MAD DOG*]

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townfolk found they could buy a cow in New Zealand quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from New Zealand and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet,who was very wise,

tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempt from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Zealand ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had
brought the cow over from New Zealand .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from New Zealand ?


"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,


"My wife is from New Zealand ."

[Bob_VT]

Embarrassing medical exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells,
‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear..
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs –
and I was in the wrong one!

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.
‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running
out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn’t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion,
she answered…
‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied.
I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients
dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY…

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment,
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons!

[*MAD DOG*]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

[*MAD DOG*]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

MD - see post 306...

And DO try to keep up.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by SailDesign

MD - see post 306...

And DO try to keep up.

I do more posting than reading these days......

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

I do more posting than reading these days......

[highwaypass]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
Begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f#ckin arsehole !!"

i really love it!

[highwaypass]

A man was driving down the street in a lather because he had an important meeting and can't find a parking space. Looking up to heaven,he said, "Lord,if you give me some parking space,i'll be forever grateful and recommend you to all my relatives and give up swearing". Miraculously,a spot opened right in front of his car. The man looked up and said ,"Never mind,i found one"

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by highwaypass

i really love it!

If you love that one keep reading, there's 100's of better jokes in this thread.

[Bob_VT]

What'll It Be?

A seal sat down at the bar.
The bartender asked, "What'll it be?"
The seal said, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!

[highwaypass]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

If you love that one keep reading, there's 100's of better jokes in this thread.

for sure
keep posting sir!

[Bob_VT]

Puns - Also Known As Groaners

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
2. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
5. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. A backward poet writes inverse.
7. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice save sects

[eTiMaGo]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by eTiMaGo

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Niiiiice! I needed that.

BTW, Thomas, I only got an A-, too.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the freeway.

'You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher,
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and
you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. ‘So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops'

[*MAD DOG*]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'