The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[eTiMaGo]

bump....

A friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It
bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have
his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me
I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half
-inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery
later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he
no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a
doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

[*MAD DOG*]

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are
always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was
asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the
allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save
just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.

[ammophobia]

Three buddies Ed, Joe, and Andy made a bet on who can make their wife scream the most when they have sex with their wifes. Each of them went home and prepared for the night. Andy, realizing that his wife isn't really the type who enjoys hot plays, was quite hopeless but didn't really want to lose the bet.

The next day, the three buddies meet again. Ed told his buddies, "Last night I made it with my wife, and she didn't stop screaming for ten minutes!". Then Joe replied "Just that? My wife didn't stop screaming for almost an hour after we had a hot, steaming one!". Andy then humbly said, "My wife didn't stop screaming till sunrise..". Ed and Joe was shocked, and they said, "Well done buddy, you won the bet, but can you tell us how did you make her scream for so long?"

Andy replied, "Well, it went like this, at first my wife was just as expressionless as usual, but then when I was about to come, I quickly took off and then sprayed my fluid on her new, expensive dress she hanged on the closet door. She didn't stop screaming and shouting at me till the morning came..."

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages.

He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Ach Mon, I am really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, 'Blimey I can't believe I survived this wreck!'

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.'

The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck.'

So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky.

He says to the English fella, 'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship'

The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, 'Your turn!'

The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, 'Nay, I think I'll wait for the police to show up.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A POPULAR POSTMAN
One Monday morning a Postman is riding through a Melbourne suburb delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

[*MAD DOG*]

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine???????

A. You dont have to hug a washing machine after dropping your load in it.

[eTiMaGo]

How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by eTiMaGo

How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

And these have ALL been used on you, Thomas?
Sad - truly sad.....

[KCALB SIRAY]

Barney Frank, no lie

[*MAD DOG*]

A nun,a priest,an Irishman,a Scotsman,a rabbi,and a blonde walk into a bar,and the barman says,"Is this a joke?".

[SilverBack]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other.

[tomato]

Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.

'No,sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.

Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

[tomato]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

‘Dammit….. third gay rooster I bought this month.’

[tomato]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[tomato]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[tomato]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[tomato]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

[tomato]

That's all, folks!