The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[tomato]

What the heck, one more for the road...


A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

[tomato]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[tomato]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[SilverBack]

good ones

[tomato]

I aim to please

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

[Bob_VT]

A Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be foregiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[tomato]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[tomato]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

[tomato]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[tomato]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[tomato]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[tomato]

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

[Bob_VT]

STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[nemelek]

Originally Posted by tomato

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

Answer B: Is it in?

[tomato]

[BluYrs]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[eTiMaGo]

Q: Which Knight makes pottery?

A: Sir Amic.

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by eTiMaGo

Q: Which Knight makes pottery?

A: Sir Amic.

Weak, Thomas, weak! But my grand-daughter would love it!