The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Brilliant Joke, for men.


Women : Just read the first half!


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.


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Man had a attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
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Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor ...

[DandiDani]

well i read all of it too...lol

[churp]

Bump....I miss the funnies

[tomato]

so do I!

[*MAD DOG*]

Sorry guys. Been busy lately. I'll post some up.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find
themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're
getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....

"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat
It's just like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat
up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from
the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back
in on the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie,
knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets,
laughing and chatting.

"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually
enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's
actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking
about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the
heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night
without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if
the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly
miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds
them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the
time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams
"WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
Collingwood must have won the Premiership!

************
Collingwood are a hated football team here for those that need to know to make the joke funny.

[*MAD DOG*]

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.

16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

[*MAD DOG*]

2 gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are
in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in the corner,
one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the
gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy
babies and yet our baby is so happy.

"This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

[*MAD DOG*]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend. This morning
she called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

[Bob_VT]

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl!

XXX: Everybody gets the girl ... her mother ...and her dog!!

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Good one Bob

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

***********

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

*************

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

**************

Gallaher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

*************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

***********

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

*************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[DandiDani]

[*MAD DOG*]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[*MAD DOG*]

ASSERTIVE WOMENS CONFERENCE


The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.'
The crowd cheered.

The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.

She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.'

[*MAD DOG*]

2 Flies on a shit. 1 of them farts, the other 1 says "do you mind? I'm eating"

[*MAD DOG*]

Bottle of Wine

A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.... Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

[DandiDani]

lol thats hilarious