The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by tomato

Sorry Tony, I had to take down the racial jokes.

Figured it would happen.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by tomato

Here is one just for you, Tony


A cultural comparison


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

*

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

*

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

*

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

*

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

*

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

*

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

*

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


*

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

I'm Aussie and find this joke extremely racist.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

I'm Aussie and find this joke extremely racist.

NOT

Here downunder we can take as much as we give. Thought it was a pretty funny joke.

[tomato]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

NOT

Here downunder we can take as much as we give. Thought it was a pretty funny joke.

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing.

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by tomato

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing.

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it

You would be surprised at the amount of stuff that I get that I don't post on here.

Dang, late for work, time to

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by tomato

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing.

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it

So you can't ever tell an American joke, then, because we don't/won't/can't laugh at ourselves.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by SailDesign

So you can't ever tell an American joke, then, because we don't/won't/can't laugh at ourselves.

Careful, you might be crossing the line.........

[tomato]

One guy that can deliver racial jokes and make people laugh at themselves is Chris Rock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWERzwbobOk

(here is a piece of his "Never Scared" show in Washington. He had the whole audience in stitches, including and mostly Black folks)

here is a short one about rims

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOCu45gI9-k

Of course that's Chris Rock. Now imagine Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy trying to deliver the same material, now that would take a completely different tone.

Just sayin'

[tomato]

As a matter of fact, here is my personal favorite of his

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB9NKe6Uqz8

(in the context of what was going on in the US at the time)

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste"

"Don't go any further. I know that place.. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams "You promised you wouldn't cheat again". The husband replies "For fuck's sake, can't you see i'm trying to cut down. . .!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."


She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied.

She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

[*MAD DOG*]

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer.

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.

[*MAD DOG*]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed an elderly lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The elderly lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The cashier replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

[*MAD DOG*]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[*MAD DOG*]

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Longreach farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!!

[*MAD DOG*]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[RHDVIPbB]

that was great.