The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[LtNoogie]

An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

Verclemt at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again, right?"

[*MAD DOG*]

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[eTiMaGo]

bump....

A friend always seemed to lean slightly to the left. It
bothered me, so I suggested that he see a doctor and have
his legs checked out. For years, he refused, telling me
I was crazy, but last week, he finally went.

Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a half
-inch shorter than his right. A bit of orthopedic surgery
later, both legs are exactly the same length now, and he
no longer leans.

"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a
doctor could fix your leg."

He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."

[*MAD DOG*]

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are
always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was
asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the
allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car
battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save
just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.

[ammophobia]

Three buddies Ed, Joe, and Andy made a bet on who can make their wife scream the most when they have sex with their wifes. Each of them went home and prepared for the night. Andy, realizing that his wife isn't really the type who enjoys hot plays, was quite hopeless but didn't really want to lose the bet.

The next day, the three buddies meet again. Ed told his buddies, "Last night I made it with my wife, and she didn't stop screaming for ten minutes!". Then Joe replied "Just that? My wife didn't stop screaming for almost an hour after we had a hot, steaming one!". Andy then humbly said, "My wife didn't stop screaming till sunrise..". Ed and Joe was shocked, and they said, "Well done buddy, you won the bet, but can you tell us how did you make her scream for so long?"

Andy replied, "Well, it went like this, at first my wife was just as expressionless as usual, but then when I was about to come, I quickly took off and then sprayed my fluid on her new, expensive dress she hanged on the closet door. She didn't stop screaming and shouting at me till the morning came..."

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages.

He looks at his twisted car and says, 'Ach Mon, I am really lucky to be alive!'

Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, 'Blimey I can't believe I survived this wreck!'

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, 'You know, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals.'

The Scotsman thinks for a moment and says, 'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck.'

So, the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of Whisky.

He says to the English fella, 'I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship'

The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Whisky.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, 'Your turn!'

The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, 'Nay, I think I'll wait for the police to show up.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A POPULAR POSTMAN
One Monday morning a Postman is riding through a Melbourne suburb delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women tries to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

[*MAD DOG*]

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine???????

A. You dont have to hug a washing machine after dropping your load in it.

[eTiMaGo]

How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

[SailDesign]

How to Turn Down Unwanted Men

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go out once or twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

:biggrin:
And these have ALL been used on you, Thomas?
Sad - truly sad.....

[KCALB SIRAY]

Barney Frank, no lie
http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/barney-frank_grabbing_ass.jpg

[*MAD DOG*]

A nun,a priest,an Irishman,a Scotsman,a rabbi,and a blonde walk into a bar,and the barman says,"Is this a joke?".

[SilverBack]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other.

[tomato]

Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighbouring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' Barry demanded.

'No,sir, he ain't,' Neil replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well, then,' inquired Barry, 'is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad,' explained Neil patiently.

Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' Neil asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well, it's difficult,' answered Barry uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.'

Neil considered for a moment, 'You would have to talk to Pa about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

[tomato]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’

The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’

The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’

The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’

The young rooster laughs. ‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

‘Dammit….. third gay rooster I bought this month.’

[tomato]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[tomato]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

:barf::barf:

[tomato]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[tomato]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

[tomato]

That's all, folks! :biggrin:

[tomato]

What the heck, one more for the road...


A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

[tomato]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[tomato]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[SilverBack]

:laugh: good ones

[tomato]

I aim to please :biggrin:

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

[Bob_VT]

A Blonde In Church

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be foregiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

[tomato]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[tomato]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

[tomato]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.
Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[tomato]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[tomato]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

[tomato]

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.
The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".
The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.
He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

[Bob_VT]

STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[nemelek]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

Answer B: Is it in?

[tomato]

:laughabove:

[BluYrs]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

[eTiMaGo]

Q: Which Knight makes pottery?

A: Sir Amic.

[SailDesign]

Q: Which Knight makes pottery?

A: Sir Amic.

Weak, Thomas, weak! But my grand-daughter would love it! :smile:

[eTiMaGo]

bump :biggrin:

Q: What knight has extra goods to sell?

A: Sir Plus!

[SailDesign]

At a computer expo (COMDEX), some years ago, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Each time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95’ or ‘CarNT.’ But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

[KCALB SIRAY]

http://photos.upi.com/January_23_2009/5e49689298a4de0c149d1b094a89c713/January-23-2009.jpg

[Bob_VT]

Nag, nag, nag

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ~til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, ‘Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.’

’And what about the men?’ the minister asked.

’They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.’

[*MAD DOG*]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[Kaotic Lazagna]

An old one, and one better told in person, but here it goes:

A duck walks into a grocery store and asks a clerk, "Do you have some gwapes?"
The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't" and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back and asks the same clerk, "Do you have some gwapes?"
The clerk replies, "We still don't." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back again and asks the same clerk, "Do you have some gwapes?"
Frustrated, the clerk replies, "Look, we don't! And the next time you ask me, I'm going to staple your mouth shut!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back and asks the same clerk, "Do you have some staples?"
The clerk answers, "No, we don't." ..............................then the duck asks, "Do you have some gwapes?"




LMAO!

[SilverBack]

^ classic :laugh:

Man A (to Man B): The thrill is gone from my marriage

Man B: Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?

Man A: What if my wife finds out?

Man B: Just be honest and tell her about it

Man A (goes home and says to wife): Hun, I think an affair will bring us closer together

Wife: I've tried that already. ..It didn't work...

[*MAD DOG*]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the
man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[PreciousPups4U]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

[tomato]

^ one for you, Cindy (or any dog lover)!
* * * * * *

'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[*MAD DOG*]

ROFL

[KCALB SIRAY]

http://www.ruggedelegantliving.com/sf/a/images/Nancy.Pelosi.jpg

[nemelek]

Books that were never bought or read to you has a kid.

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have The Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were An Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But you Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster... And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

29. Strangers Have the Most Comfortable Cars

30. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

31. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer. . . Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

32. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets

33. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad

34. Babar Meets the Taxidermist

35. Where the F**k is Waldo?

36. Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse

37. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

38. How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School

40. Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

41. When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It

42. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

43. Bi-Curious George

44.Only You Poop, And You’re Disgusting

45.When everyone finds out you wet the bed.

46.Oh, the Things That You'll Learn When You Talk to a Stranger!


47.How Buddy-Wuddy Got Hepatitis B


48. Mommy, Where Did Our House Go and Have You Seen My Toys?

49.Oops! You're Getting a Brother


50. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



51.The Littlest Pawn: A Custody Battle

[Bob_VT]

Superior culture
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon”.

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.” The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was

[tomato]

^ coitus interruptus?

[SailDesign]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.

It's just spam.

[BluYrs]

Superior culture
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon”.

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.” The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"

[*MAD DOG*]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first
step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would be enough
slack to raise her leg.? She tried to take the step, only to discover that
she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and>>again she still was unable to take the step .

About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How
dare you touch my body!? I don't even know who you are!'

The Man smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful Woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for Nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[*MAD DOG*]

The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk.

The townfolk found they could buy a cow in New Zealand quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from New Zealand and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet,who was very wise,

tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempt from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Zealand ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they
had
brought the cow over from New Zealand .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from New Zealand ?


"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,


"My wife is from New Zealand ."

[Bob_VT]

Embarrassing medical exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells,
‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear..
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs –
and I was in the wrong one!

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked.
‘The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running
out of places to put it!’
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn’t see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion,
she answered…
‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’
‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied.
I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients
dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY…

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment,
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’
She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn’t give his name, for obvious reasons!

[*MAD DOG*]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

[*MAD DOG*]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[SailDesign]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

MD - see post 306...

And DO try to keep up.:biggrin:

[*MAD DOG*]

MD - see post 306...

And DO try to keep up.:biggrin:


I do more posting than reading these days......:wink:

[SailDesign]

I do more posting than reading these days......:wink:

:drinking:

[highwaypass]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
Begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f#ckin arsehole !!"

i really love it! :w00t:

[highwaypass]

A man was driving down the street in a lather because he had an important meeting and can't find a parking space. Looking up to heaven,he said, "Lord,if you give me some parking space,i'll be forever grateful and recommend you to all my relatives and give up swearing". Miraculously,a spot opened right in front of his car. The man looked up and said ,"Never mind,i found one"

[*MAD DOG*]

i really love it! :w00t:


If you love that one keep reading, there's 100's of better jokes in this thread. :respekt:

[Bob_VT]

What'll It Be?

A seal sat down at the bar.
The bartender asked, "What'll it be?"
The seal said, "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!

[highwaypass]

If you love that one keep reading, there's 100's of better jokes in this thread. :respekt:

for sure :headbang:
keep posting sir! :respekt:

[Bob_VT]

Puns - Also Known As Groaners

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
2. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
5. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. A backward poet writes inverse.
7. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice save sects

[eTiMaGo]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

[SailDesign]

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Niiiiice! I needed that. :biggrin:

BTW, Thomas, I only got an A-, too. :iono:

[*MAD DOG*]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the freeway.

'You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new
willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you
had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher,
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and
you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next
day. ‘So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops'

[*MAD DOG*]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[Bob_VT]

MANNERS FOR THE REDNECK


1. Never take a beer to a job interview
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ’Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[*MAD DOG*]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them......

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proce eded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she
danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
While he bent over to pick it up... All the other bells started to
ring....

[*MAD DOG*]

Bad taste, just got this in an email.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett?

A. Farah was a pin-up in young boys bedrooms wherea Michael used to pin-down young boys in the bedroom.

[*MAD DOG*]

Due to the death of Michael Jackson, black armbands will be worn by all jockeys at tomorrow’s race meetings. In honour of a man that has ridden more three year olds than anyone else.

[eTiMaGo]

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse
to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees
a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the
ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss
won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from
this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home
for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the
boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hang-
ing up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are
DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a
light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of
today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her
it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to
follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".

[Bob_VT]

More to ponder

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11.. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. ‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

24. Why if you send something by road in a car, it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea in a ship, it is called cargo?

25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[*MAD DOG*]

^
I like that one. Good work. Keep em coming.

[eTiMaGo]

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the
scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand
to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

[*MAD DOG*]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

[*MAD DOG*]

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[*MAD DOG*]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[*MAD DOG*]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[*MAD DOG*]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.



On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to
see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at
you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta’ warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna’ be some fight’n too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna’ be the two of us.'

[*MAD DOG*]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went
To the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
Neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
The Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you

Have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
Favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the
Weakness of the flesh. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
Indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind, but I do have one
More question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over.........?"

[*MAD DOG*]

TRUE LOVE



An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

[*MAD DOG*]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

[*MAD DOG*]

Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.

Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD' Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.' Kevin said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'
'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

[*MAD DOG*]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings.....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes..

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

[*MAD DOG*]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me tomy house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place

"The grass is almost a foot high."

[*MAD DOG*]

A Man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[eTiMaGo]

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

[silver_echo]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[nemelek]

THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.. After about six weeks his father said,
'Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied,
'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

[silver_echo]

what would jesus drive?...


a honda accord...

"christ and all of his apostles were of one accord"

he would also drive a truck...

carpenter = work truck...

[*MAD DOG*]

THE BRIDGE

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, The Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle.

This story of a couple who drove their car to the shops, only to have their
car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from
under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand
the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand
UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The RACV (Auto Club) mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[*MAD DOG*]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Hell would you have said??

[eTiMaGo]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[*MAD DOG*]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

That's not a fairy tale, it's a true life story with a happy ending.

[kurokoma-kun]

That's not a fairy tale, it's a true life story with a happy ending.

+1

[*MAD DOG*]

+1

Welcome back :thumbup:

[kurokoma-kun]

Welcome back :thumbup:

Thanks! :biggrin: :drinking: Well, I'm off to come up with some jokes :tongue:

[*MAD DOG*]

Thanks! :biggrin: :drinking: Well, I'm off to come up with some jokes :tongue:

:)

[Bob_VT]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[eTiMaGo]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on
fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately
begins groping her. "Charles! I expect you to be as mannerly
in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this
better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[kurokoma-kun]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the ladies in front would not invite them to play through. Finally one of the men began to walk over to speak to them, but quickly came back.

"I can't do it," he said. "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

So the other fellow started to walk over. He stopped, turned around, came right back just as his partner had done, and said, "Small world!"

[Bob_VT]

Dracula!

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car hissing at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Show him your cross!"
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window, sticks her head out and shouts, "Get the F*ck! off the car!"

[eTiMaGo]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10,000 loan to take a
vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with
some collateral.

The frog says, "Collateral? What's that?"

Miss Whack says, "Collateral, you know. Something valuable
you own that you can give to the bank to secure your loan
until you repay the debt."

Kermit answers, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog out there
named Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and he wants
to borrow $10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the
world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His
old man's a Rolling Stone!"

[*MAD DOG*]

^
lame Thomas. Very very lame.

[eTiMaGo]

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours
in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world
around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly
know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to
his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky
blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll
never learn anything!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Teaching math’s in 1970
1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’s are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[*MAD DOG*]

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.'
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
'I'm in sales.' she said.
He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.

She said, 'I sell KOTEX (Sanitary Napkins)'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'

[nemelek]

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 07-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.



I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.



You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.


I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.



My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.



Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].



After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!



I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]



I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.



Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?


Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).



In a way, perhaps I should apologiz e for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Alex

P.S. Remember this motto. . An armed society makes for a more civil society!



Yogi Berra once said "The future ain't what it used to be"

[TLyttle]

Very creative writing, but the scenario is American and has no application anywhere else in the world. Hard lesson to learn, eh?

[*MAD DOG*]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!!' screamed the woman, 'That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles

rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok.' commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, but private health cover.'

[*MAD DOG*]

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes,
the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved
cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
'Why are you laughing, mister?'

'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied, 'I'm a
gynaecologist...'

[*MAD DOG*]

50th WEDDING ANIVERSARY
SURPRISE

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years
together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a
Sunday dinner in their honor.


'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed
son number one ..... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had
an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it
is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'


'Not to worry,' said the father.
'The important thing is that we're all together
today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You
and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from
Los
Angeles between depositions and didn't have time
to shop for you...'


'It's nothing,' said the father,
'We're glad you were able to come.'


Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and
happy
anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is
sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything.'


After they had finished dessert, the father
said, 'There's something your mother and I have
wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to
college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we
loved each other very much, but we

just never found the time to get married.'


The three children gasped and all said,
'You mean we're bastards?'


'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap
ones
too.'

[Bob_VT]

Lexophiles

1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

2. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

6. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

7. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

8. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

9. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
__________________

[*MAD DOG*]

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 60 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 60 years old... I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also
60+ years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.

I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 60 a lot more times than 60 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow,or the day after.

[*MAD DOG*]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified,the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and
poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. To be sure to be sure.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and my sincere apologies.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want ... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic
sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again
hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job.

How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all!!? Only once or
twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Brilliant Joke, for men.


Women : Just read the first half!


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.


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Man had a attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
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Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor ...

[DandiDani]

well i read all of it too...lol

[churp]

Bump....I miss the funnies

[tomato]

so do I!

[*MAD DOG*]

Sorry guys. Been busy lately. I'll post some up.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Aussie blokes, Kev and Bruce die at the same time and find
themselves in Hell. The Devil pays them a visit to see how they're
getting on and finds them in shorts and t-shirts, enjoying a BBQ....

"Is this place not hot enough for you?" asks the Devil.

Bruce says "Oh mate..we're from Australia ...we love the heat
It's just like a summer's day."

Feeling angry, the Devil decides he'll fix these two and turns the heat
up to maximum. Everywhere in Hell, people are wailing and moaning from
the heat and satisfied with the result, the Devil decides to check back
in on the two Aussies.

He's furious to find Kev and Bruce flipping the snags on the barbie,
knocking back a couple of stubbies in their thongs and singlets,
laughing and chatting.

"How can you guys be comfortable in this heat?" screams the Devil.
Everyone else in Hell is absolutely miserable, but you two are actually
enjoying it!"

"Awww come on mate...says Kev. I spent last summer in Darwin . It's
actually nice to have some dry heat for a change"

The Devil storms off, scheming how to fix these two. After thinking
about it for a while he hits on an idea. If the two Aussies love the
heat so much, he's gonna turn it all off, which he does. After a night
without heat, Hell is 40 below. Icicles are hanging off the roof and if
the residents were unhappy about the heat, they are now bitterly
miserable from the cold.

The next morning the Devil checks back in on the two Aussies. He finds
them jumping for joy, laughing and carrying on like they're having the
time of their lives. The Devil is beside himself with rage and screams
"WHAT IS GOING ON? How can you two be happy about this?"

Kev says...Mate, don't you know?
Hell's frozen over!...
Collingwood must have won the Premiership!

************
Collingwood are a hated football team here for those that need to know to make the joke funny.

[*MAD DOG*]

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the Maggies .'

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much petrol is in it.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.

16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

[*MAD DOG*]

2 gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and
have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are
in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming but over in the corner,
one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the
gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy
babies and yet our baby is so happy.

"This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his ass!"

[*MAD DOG*]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend. This morning
she called out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

[Bob_VT]

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X: Everybody Gets The Girl!

XXX: Everybody gets the girl ... her mother ...and her dog!!

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Good one Bob

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

***********

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

*************

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

**************

Gallaher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

*************

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

***********

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

*************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[DandiDani]

:laugh:

[*MAD DOG*]

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

[*MAD DOG*]

ASSERTIVE WOMENS CONFERENCE


The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said 'During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.'
The crowd cheered.

The second lady from Russia , stood up and said, 'After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.
The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia , stood up and said, 'Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.

She continued. 'Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.'

[*MAD DOG*]

2 Flies on a shit. 1 of them farts, the other 1 says "do you mind? I'm eating"

[*MAD DOG*]

Bottle of Wine

A woman, and a man, are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.... Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

[DandiDani]

lol thats hilarious

[*MAD DOG*]

Mums in group therapy


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers

And their small children.You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand

And whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking
about.. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[*MAD DOG*]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

Because of you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

[tomato]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Lol

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[tomato]

dumbasses! hahaha!

[nemelek]

Exercise Program

[*MAD DOG*]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Casualty, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

Bill: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Bill: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.................................................. ............

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[*MAD DOG*]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.



Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.



The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it."



The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."



The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis."



The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."



The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."



The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"



The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"



Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.



"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by
itself! You save Money."

[DandiDani]

lol!

[*MAD DOG*]

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for
bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of
the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Bob_VT]

Something New

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat

[Bob_VT]

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
Hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
Drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
Menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
Didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
Sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
Important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
Lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
Left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
The gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to
Work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up
And drink the darn poison.

[*MAD DOG*]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
*
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving*
at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
*
So he says, 'Do you know me?'*
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful*
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party*
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching*
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Bob_VT]

Just wondering…

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “Congratulations.”

But none of them rub your crotch and say “well done”.

[KCALB SIRAY]

When you’re having a bad day
and think that you’re having problems
Just remember:



SOMEWHERE
IN THIS WORLD,
THERE IS
A
MR. PELOSI.

[TLyttle]

Which explains why Mr. Palin is now single...

[KCALB SIRAY]

lol

[*MAD DOG*]

The Booze Bus


Two indigenous Australians were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus". Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'
The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me!'
The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that... I got a letter from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - In these cases, we require you to give a blood sample.'
'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver. 'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gave a blood sample. Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.
The driver shook his head and said 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver, 'It's from Harry Connick Jr - and he says that you whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!'

[*MAD DOG*]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:*
*
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy*
*
When asked why such a big password.......*
she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.

[*MAD DOG*]

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so
he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. *The Officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' *I was born Fred
Dingaling. *I know - a funny last name. *The kids used to tease me all the
time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. *When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. *I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to
school.. *Dentistry was my dream! *Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the
ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. *Then I was Fred
Dingaling, MD, with VD. *Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my
MD *because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling
with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[nemelek]

40 Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a frickin "people-person" to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh, I get it.. Like humor. Only different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to kill?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator...

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand ?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:-

1. Men never learn.
2. Blonde's aren't as dumb as some men think.

[tomato]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns "ASK MIKE"

Dear Mike,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore..

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

--------

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike

[*MAD DOG*]

The young lady asked Paddy whether his preference was for legs or breasts.

He replied that, actually, he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies.

The young lady said that she was sorry but unfortunately that wasn't an option when choosing a KFC bargain bucket...

[*MAD DOG*]

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well, you can't say fairer than that'

------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[*MAD DOG*]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. An Americanwoman is sitting across from them. The woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first, but her attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following:

Man:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.


American woman:
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....


Man:
Hey, coola down lady," "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella.... ' Mississippi ' ..

[*MAD DOG*]

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......

'You mean I've been here already?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[Bob_VT]

The Missionary

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief stoically replied, "My bike."

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[tomato]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5.. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan" Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19.. Two blondes walked into a building. (You'd have thought one of them would have seen it!)

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did

[*MAD DOG*]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fu ...ing widow."

[*MAD DOG*]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' Fuck , the Rottweiler ate him!

[Bob_VT]

The Facelift

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."


While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, "promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[*MAD DOG*]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together
and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby
is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward,
eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling and gurgling serenely. A
nurse comes by, and, to the delight of the gay fathers, she points
out the happy child as theirs.


"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy
babies...but our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!"


The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what
happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

[*MAD DOG*]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

[Bob_VT]

24 Hours To Live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear;" and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could ..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, enough is enough! I have to get up in the morning
... you don't."

[*MAD DOG*]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps,
were a Kiwi guy(New Zealander), an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
the loud sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old Greek lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde
in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to
grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde
in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I
can smack the Kiwi again.

[*MAD DOG*]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[Bob_VT]

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000, then waits to see what each one does with the money.
The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets here done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she as done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

[*MAD DOG*]

A virile,middleaged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back
to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his
bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion...

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his
back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly
and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian.

[*MAD DOG*]

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days....................

"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now. Too many damm security cameras."

[nemelek]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity...'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smith's
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed..

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.

[*MAD DOG*]

"Tiger"



The Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[*MAD DOG*]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should
be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'I say, old boy, you
Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of
the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of
the window.'

[*MAD DOG*]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me!

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but probably always with a limp

[*MAD DOG*]

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse "as soon as that tractor is paid for."

A few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"

[*MAD DOG*]

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

[*MAD DOG*]

--
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"

[*MAD DOG*]

George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet. "Hey, what the f**k are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a f**king stupid thing to say!" "Well, that's a f**king stupid thing to ask!"

[tomato]

^ I gotta agree with him there! :laugh:
love the tractor joke, too. :smile:

[*MAD DOG*]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with ye?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

[Bob_VT]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.





They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
















So, they buried Susie

[tomato]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ww!!!

Gross!!

:bellyroll::bellyroll:

good one, though!

[*MAD DOG*]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[*MAD DOG*]

THE BLOND MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as
he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[nemelek]

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.

[cali yaris]

LOL @ #456


one of your better ones

[silver_echo]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

[BaknBlak]

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

[tomato]

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

Awwww. I love the "gently" part. Cute story!

Always good to see some new jokes in this thread. :D

[*MAD DOG*]

Cowboy's Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[*MAD DOG*]

AN OLD NUN WHO WAS LIVING IN A CONVENT NEXT TO A BROOKLYN CONSTRUCTION SITE NOTICED THE COARSE LANGUAGE OF THE WORKERS AND DECIDED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THEM TO CORRECT THEIR WAYS.
SHE DECIDED SHE WOULD TAKE HER LUNCH, SIT WITH THE WORKERS AND TALK WITH THEM. SHE PUT HER SANDWICH IN A BROWN BAG AND WALKED OVER TO THE SPOT WHERE THE MEN WERE EATING.
SHE WALKED UP TO THE GROUP AND WITH A BIG SMILE SAID: "DO YOU MEN KNOW JESUS CHRIST?" THEY SHOOK THEIR HEADS AND LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.
ONE OF THE MORE COOPERATIVE WORKERS LOOKED UP INTO THE STEELWORKS AND YELLED, "ANYBODY UP THERE KNOW JESUS CHRIST?"
ONE OF THE STEELWORKERS YELLED DOWN 'WHY'?
THE FIRST WORKER YELLED BACK, "HIS WIFE'S HERE WITH HIS LUNCH"

[*MAD DOG*]

God went to the Arabs and said,

"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

"I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

"I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that should offend just about everybody.

[*MAD DOG*]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when
He saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man
Replied. 'We have to eat grass..'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
Feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
There, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us,
Also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But

Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
Large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
Lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
High'

[*MAD DOG*]

Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months,
his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby.
Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours..


When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,
"Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts?
You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"You crazy old man, where's your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"


"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[cali yaris]

LOL @ 467

I love checking in here here randomly

[tomato]

:bellyroll::bellyroll:

there is always one that gets ya! hehehe :laugh:

[*MAD DOG*]

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger
Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late"

[*MAD DOG*]

Click the link and laugh your balls off. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcxBS_HNuBg

[*MAD DOG*]

My wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her
knees while having a wank.

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called "The Plumber".
Both of you stay in all day, and no fucker cums.

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a new craze in pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up
their snatches and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and
health authorities are now worried about the effects of Minge drinking.

[*MAD DOG*]

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:! ! ! It has been announced that next year's
shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period
is exactly what our company is all about."

[*MAD DOG*]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob's.
1 % liked warmth
2 % liked sensation.
3 % liked eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

[*MAD DOG*]

I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my
wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a
man's heart with fear dread & panic.... ! ! "hi Honey I'm home"..

[*MAD DOG*]

Did u see Paul McCartney the other night on X Factor playing the
piano...? Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change !!

[*MAD DOG*]

Post #472-486 may offend some people. Just FYI I'm no racist, but I got these jokes and forwarded them on in the hope to make your day a little better by hopefully putting a smile on your face.

If i've offended you, in the words of our Prime Minister "I'm sorry"

[tomato]

Sorry Tony, I had to take down the racial jokes.

[tomato]

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
(Rodney Dangerfield Jokes)



I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"

[tomato]

You might be a redneck if...

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

[tomato]

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

[tomato]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[tomato]

A blind man vists the state of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[tomato]

Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

[tomato]

Here is one just for you, Tony :wink:


A cultural comparison


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

*

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

*

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

*

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

*

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

*

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

*

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

*

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


*

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

[*MAD DOG*]

Sorry Tony, I had to take down the racial jokes.

Figured it would happen.

[*MAD DOG*]

Here is one just for you, Tony :wink:


A cultural comparison


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

*

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

*

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

*

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

*

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

*

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

*

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

*

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


*

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

I'm Aussie and find this joke extremely racist.

[*MAD DOG*]

I'm Aussie and find this joke extremely racist.

NOT

Here downunder we can take as much as we give. Thought it was a pretty funny joke. :thumbsup:

[tomato]

NOT

Here downunder we can take as much as we give. Thought it was a pretty funny joke. :thumbsup:

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally :smile:

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing. :iono:

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it :smile:

[*MAD DOG*]

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally :smile:

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing. :iono:

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it :smile:

You would be surprised at the amount of stuff that I get that I don't post on here.

Dang, late for work, time to :burnrubber:

[SailDesign]

I liked it too. Prolly because it makes fun of everybody equally :smile:

racist jokes, on the other hand, meh...

Could be a cultural thing. :iono:

I guess this is where I draw the line: if you could tell that joke to the [insert race or minority here] guy in his face, and he'd laugh with you, then the joke is OK. If you can't, then you know you can't post it :smile:

So you can't ever tell an American joke, then, because we don't/won't/can't laugh at ourselves.
:smile:

[*MAD DOG*]

So you can't ever tell an American joke, then, because we don't/won't/can't laugh at ourselves.
:smile:

Careful, you might be crossing the line......... :confused: :biggrin:

[tomato]

One guy that can deliver racial jokes and make people laugh at themselves is Chris Rock.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWERzwbobOk

(here is a piece of his "Never Scared" show in Washington. He had the whole audience in stitches, including and mostly Black folks)

here is a short one about rims

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOCu45gI9-k

Of course that's Chris Rock. Now imagine Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy trying to deliver the same material, now that would take a completely different tone.

Just sayin' :iono:

[tomato]

As a matter of fact, here is my personal favorite of his

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rB9NKe6Uqz8

(in the context of what was going on in the US at the time)

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ! So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste"

"Don't go any further. I know that place.. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams "You promised you wouldn't cheat again". The husband replies "For fuck's sake, can't you see i'm trying to cut down. . .!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."


She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied.

She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

[*MAD DOG*]

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

You'll love the answer.

X

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The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.

[*MAD DOG*]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed an elderly lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The elderly lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The cashier replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."