The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2 [Archive] - Page 3 - Toyota Yaris Forums

*MAD DOG*

03-20-2010, 07:31 AM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

*MAD DOG*

03-25-2010, 08:28 AM

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT
in front of the office, ready to show
it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too
close to the curb and completely tore off the
driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close
enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche,
his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started creaming hysterically about
how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook
his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe
how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
“How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "MY ROLEX!"

Bob_VT

03-25-2010, 10:55 AM

Pigs For Sale

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that read: "PIGS FOR SALE".
Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds."
Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner.
The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result using the same technique.
The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.
After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer.
"I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

*MAD DOG*

04-02-2010, 07:35 AM

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

*MAD DOG*

04-09-2010, 06:48 AM

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled war hero, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what on earth makes you think I'd give any to you?"

*MAD DOG*

04-12-2010, 12:37 AM

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "I'd love chicken, thank you."

She replied, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

nemelek

04-19-2010, 05:37 PM

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

*MAD DOG*

05-08-2010, 04:52 AM

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

*MAD DOG*

05-10-2010, 10:27 AM

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !!*

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown...!!!

*MAD DOG*

05-10-2010, 10:33 AM

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earline got
pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

*MAD DOG*

05-20-2010, 07:38 AM

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk says, "Tits".

*MAD DOG*

05-21-2010, 08:35 PM

Bongi was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurt;
she had never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

Honey! - said the psychic.
You will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired
woman and all men will fall at your feet.

Bongi left very happy and so excited,
as she went over a bridge she thought:
"the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins"
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Bongi didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas,
she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered,
still drowsy and not being able to see very well,
and not knowing where she was,
she started touching her surroundings,
feeling all the bananas she mumbled
with a huge smile on her face and said:

"GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE!, ONE AT A TIME!"

*MAD DOG*

06-04-2010, 04:08 PM

The Aisle Seat
Two shady looking Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

*MAD DOG*

06-04-2010, 04:10 PM

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

*MAD DOG*

06-12-2010, 02:28 AM

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a great deal to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

*MAD DOG*

07-26-2010, 11:43 PM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

*MAD DOG*

07-26-2010, 11:49 PM

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated
old row-boat. It so happened John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat
sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She
said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his row-boat, said, "Heck no....
in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish."

He continued "She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her
hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

To add further, "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented
her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get
in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted.

*MAD DOG*

07-27-2010, 02:51 PM

"A marriage is both the end of a life-chapter and the beginning of another chapter that isn’t quite as interesting and the characters aren’t as likable." Author Unknown

*MAD DOG*

07-28-2010, 01:35 AM

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

*MAD DOG*

07-30-2010, 08:47 PM

*
*
*
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers .
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
*
*

*MAD DOG*

08-06-2010, 10:58 AM

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"

*MAD DOG*

08-07-2010, 08:04 AM

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Wisdom:

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."

" NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

*MAD DOG*

08-10-2010, 01:58 AM

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Tommy, Jimmy, Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday, I hope I get bail'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the priest I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he got annoyed and said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
‘Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counselling.. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, 'Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.’

*MAD DOG*

08-10-2010, 08:28 AM

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied

"IT JUST WORKED ON ME".

*MAD DOG*

08-10-2010, 08:34 AM

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

*MAD DOG*

08-10-2010, 08:36 AM

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

*MAD DOG*

08-12-2010, 08:26 AM

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna:"No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

TRDMarty

08-12-2010, 09:42 AM

GA DAY MATE!!
Keep em coming !! These are GREAT!! :clap: :clap: :clap:

*MAD DOG*

08-12-2010, 10:18 AM

GA DAY MATE!!
Keep em coming !! These are GREAT!! :clap: :clap: :clap:

Will do. Glad to hear feedback on this thread. Of course you can post your own jokes up here too. :drinking:

*MAD DOG*

08-12-2010, 10:26 AM

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was
in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a
black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'

*MAD DOG*

08-12-2010, 10:28 AM

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked;

"Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow?"

*MAD DOG*

08-16-2010, 09:57 PM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

*MAD DOG*

08-16-2010, 09:59 PM

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry - I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.........

*MAD DOG*

08-16-2010, 10:03 PM

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers
the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your
prostate today, but this is a new procedure and is a little
different from what you are probably are used to. I want
you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,then while I
check your prostate,take a deep breath and say,
'99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep
breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your
knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate
with this hand,and with the other hand I'm going to
hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a
deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins,very slowly "One ........Two ........Three".

*MAD DOG*

08-19-2010, 10:10 PM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'

*MAD DOG*

08-23-2010, 08:49 PM

Q: What do you do if your wife is bleeding and limping around your backyard?
A: Take a deep breath, focus, reload and shoot again.

*MAD DOG*

09-01-2010, 11:57 AM

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you Not understand????

*MAD DOG*

09-11-2010, 07:57 AM

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.***
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.**
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"****
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:***
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.******
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.****
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "***
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.***
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 30,000 feet.*****
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

*MAD DOG*

09-12-2010, 11:02 AM

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment', killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly 'Yes your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could Fuck, He could fly.'

*MAD DOG*

09-19-2010, 08:49 AM

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband
also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,
not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this
time?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in
my cupboard now'!!

*MAD DOG*

09-23-2010, 04:26 PM

Top tip;

If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in
the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping
with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual
sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.

*MAD DOG*

09-23-2010, 04:26 PM

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

*MAD DOG*

09-23-2010, 04:28 PM

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it
goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth
smell like chloroform to you?'

*MAD DOG*

09-23-2010, 04:28 PM

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

silver_echo

10-05-2010, 12:54 AM

Men and Women

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not
be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

silver_echo

10-05-2010, 12:55 AM

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by
men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a
man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when
you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome.” (I
want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ -- that will bring on
a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying... Go to you know where.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something
that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

*MAD DOG*

10-08-2010, 08:35 PM

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police
officer stops them and says:

"Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German driver asks.

"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fo*k*n automobile" , the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"

"You canta pulla thata one on me !" says the Italian policeman.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are
therefore breakinge the lawe!"

The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor
over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" the Italian says, "He cantta comea.

He's a buzy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

*MAD DOG*

10-09-2010, 11:48 AM

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45. I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .....
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

fnkngrv

10-09-2010, 12:07 PM

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Slick

10-09-2010, 12:53 PM

That's just funny, I don't care who you are.

shinlee

10-09-2010, 08:32 PM

that was awesome

*MAD DOG*

10-10-2010, 03:40 AM

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

*MAD DOG*

10-12-2010, 11:04 AM

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. Obviously, he couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

*MAD DOG*

10-19-2010, 12:26 AM

A blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic,

"Nothin serious love, just shit in the air filter."

She replies "Brilliant, how often do I have to do that?''

*MAD DOG*

11-20-2010, 06:24 AM

It's been a while, but I finally got a joke worth posting, enjoy.....

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young bloke carrying a vacuum cleaner ..

'Good morning,' he says. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!'I said.'I haven't got any dough!,'I'm broke!'and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash the young bloke wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he says. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite mate because they cut off my electricity this morning......What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'

sickpuppy1

11-20-2010, 08:25 AM

You already posted that one on the last page, but it IS funny,LOL

*MAD DOG*

11-20-2010, 04:54 PM

You already posted that one on the last page, but it IS funny,LOL

Doh! Yup, double post, but in my defense, it was in February. At least I know someone reads this thread :P

why?

11-20-2010, 07:38 PM

i read it too, it is entertaining.

SailDesign

11-20-2010, 10:40 PM

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

.Kevin.

11-21-2010, 12:08 AM

Timothy and his grandpa go fishing one day
on there way to the lake grandpa stops at a gas station and buys smokes.

When they arrive at the lake, he begins to toke at his smokes and Timothy says

"Grandpa, mind if I try some?"

And Grandpa replied with a stern

"Well Tim, can your dick touch your asshole?"

Timothy replied with a startled

"No!"

"Well then you're too young yet Timothy."

Later on the same scenario happens with beer.

... The day passes by and it begins to get dark, so they head home.

Once again Grandpa stops at the Gas Station and buys a two scratch and win lotto tickets.

Grandpa scratches and gets 2$

"Well this is a load of shit" he says with a sigh

Right as he goes to scratch the second, Timothy asks

"Grandpa can I try?"

Grandpa gives in and hands him the ticket

"I guess, this can cause you no harm afterall and shit, even women play this anyways"

A few minutes later Timothy yells

"YA!"

And grandpa swerves into a ditch

"What the fuck was that for?!"

And Timothy begins to explain

"I won! I won! TEN THOUUUSAND BUCKAROOS"

Then grandpa momentairly forgets the situation and starts hugging Timothy.

"YA DO plan to share that with yer grandpa right Tim!"

Timothy then scratches his head and looks over

"Well, can your peepee touch your pooper?"

"Of course it can Tim! I'm a grown man."

Shortly after Timothy replies,

"THEN HOW ABOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF OLD MAN"

*MAD DOG*

11-22-2010, 04:06 AM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.* As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.*
*
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."*
*
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"*
*
"Yes, I am sure.* Your duck is dead," replied the vet..*
*
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.* "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.* He might just be in a coma or something."*
*
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.*
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.* As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.*
*
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.*
*
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.* A few minutes later he returned with a cat.* The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.* The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.*
*
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."*
*
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.*

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.* "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"*
*
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry.* If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."*

why?

11-23-2010, 02:24 AM

ok that rocks.

*MAD DOG*

12-11-2010, 09:57 PM

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

*MAD DOG*

12-27-2010, 04:23 AM

Just before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

*MAD DOG*

12-30-2010, 09:18 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

*MAD DOG*

12-31-2010, 01:44 PM

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

*MAD DOG*

12-31-2010, 01:49 PM

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!

*MAD DOG*

01-10-2011, 04:53 AM

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman:

"Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy:

"What the f#*k do you think?"

yaris2010RS

01-10-2011, 08:58 AM

LMFAO, i will start posting some of my email jokes here :)

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh...... from way back there I thought you said Goats."

yaris2010RS

01-10-2011, 08:59 AM

are newfie jokes known internationally? or only in canada?

A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
> friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was
> a big brass gong and a mallet.'What's with that big brass gong?' one
> of the guests asked.
> 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.'A talking
> clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.'Yup' replied the
> Newfie.'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.'Watch' the
> Newfie replied.
> He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and
> stepped back.The three stood looking at one another for a
> moment.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You
> asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

ilikerice

01-10-2011, 09:40 AM

^^LOL, yea. i think those jokes can go with blonde jokes as well.. but is a Newfie someone from Newfoundland? just curious

yaris2010RS

01-10-2011, 09:47 AM

^^LOL, yea. i think those jokes can go with blonde jokes as well.. but is a Newfie someone from Newfoundland? just curious

lol, yeah a newfie is someone from newfoundland. very nice people but some feel they are not as bright as the rest of canada.....

SailDesign

01-10-2011, 12:09 PM

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider

your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest

to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

And ... you're now singing it to yourself!

*MAD DOG*

01-11-2011, 12:56 AM

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

*MAD DOG*

01-11-2011, 12:56 AM

LMFAO, i will start posting some of my email jokes here :)

That's what this thread is for and I look forward to more of your jokes. :thumbsup:

TLyttle

01-11-2011, 11:39 PM

Andy... damn, that's funny, very original!

*MAD DOG*

01-12-2011, 06:56 AM

Before sex, you help each other get naked!! After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been fucked.

yaris2010RS

01-12-2011, 08:22 PM

A man goes into Chapter's bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
he replied "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

yaris2010RS

01-12-2011, 08:24 PM

A NEWFOUNDLAND FARMER

A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had

a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned

by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot

solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what

happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow,

Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question.

Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,

'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into

the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact

that, at the scene of the accident, this man told

the police on the scene that he was fine. Now

several weeks after the accident, he is trying

to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please

tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested

in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his

favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,

my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving

her down the road when this huge Eversweet

truck and trailer came through a stop sign and

hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown

into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the

other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want

to move.. However, I could hear old Bessie

moaning and groaning. I knew she was in

terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a

motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie

moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her, and saw her condition,

he took out his gun and shot her between

the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun

still in hand, looked at me, and said,

'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the Fuck would you say?'

yaris2010RS

01-12-2011, 08:24 PM

**_THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLOND GENIES_**** ***
>
> **A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP
PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.**
>
> **TWO BLOND GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED
THREE WISHES.**
>
> **THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLOND GENIES DISAPPEAR.**
>
> **THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE
MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.**
>
> **AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS
FABULOUS HOUSE.**
>
> **SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.**
>
> **THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.**
>
> **HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX
KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW
> A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.**
>
>
> **AS THE CLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE
TWO BLOND GENIES.**
>
>
> **ONE BLOND GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST
WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.**
>
> **I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.**
>
> **BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'**
>

yaris2010RS

01-12-2011, 08:26 PM

please do not take this joke the wrong way, it is in no way ment to be racest

Thank heaven, SOMEONE HAS FINALLY CLEARED THIS UP:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their
foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was
connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy
in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry
into the union. On her wedding night, the husband
scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
a taxi cab, a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in North America. If nothing is there, he must remain in
India to answer telephones and provide us with Internet technical support.

*MAD DOG*

01-14-2011, 07:35 PM

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

yaris2010RS

01-15-2011, 02:25 AM

for those again who arnt canadian, newfies have a bit of an accent...

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if
he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in
a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds,
leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at
the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box,
puts one on each shoulder and jumps
off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly
off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, George shakes his head
and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie
jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the
edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says,
'And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the
shock of losing two friends when
Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and
is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its
legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...
And now Bren and his
fook'n hengliding!'

yaris2010RS

01-15-2011, 03:17 AM

Jill goes home one night with a guy she meets at the clubs. He is tall, super hot and seems different than most other guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but to notice a shelf full of teddy bears! On the bottom shelf are small teddy bears all lined up next to each other. The middle have medium sized bears all lined up beside each other. And finally the top shelf have all large Teddy bears lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is very sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she wants to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blow job, let's him pound the shit outta her, and even takes it up the ass!! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, smiles at him and asks "how was that?"
He nods and says, "not too fuckin bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the middle shelf!

*MAD DOG*

01-15-2011, 06:27 AM

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these n..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

yaris2010RS

01-21-2011, 02:03 AM

DIY REALITY

Tool: Safety Goggles

What the instruction manual says: Protect your eyes from flying debris

What you actually do: Use it as a temporary container for screws, etc.

Tool: Welding hood

What the instruction manual says: Keep you from being blinded by the light from projects involving any kind of torch, keep sparks out of your face

What you actually do: Breathe heavily and wave a flashlight around like a light saber, while claiming to be everyone’s father.

Tool: Magnifying glass

What the instruction manual says: Use in combination with really tiny screwdriver for repairing small devices

What you actually do: Solar-powered ant incinerator.

Tool: Vice

What the instruction manual says: Hold something still while you work on it

What you actually do: Get those damn pistachios open.

Tool: Goop

What the instruction manual says: Remove grease and oil stains from your hands

What you actually do: Gel up your hair

Tool: Steel-toed work boots

What the instruction manual says: Provide protection for your toes against dropped objects

What you actually do: Enhance the threat of a kick in the crotch

Tool: Spray ether

What the instruction manual says: Spray on a tractor’s breather to help it crank up

What you actually do: Combine with barbecue lighter to make a flame thrower.

yaris2010RS

01-21-2011, 02:08 AM

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

yaris2010RS

01-25-2011, 12:32 PM

Due to the climate of political correctness

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as

'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'

yaris2010RS

01-25-2011, 12:34 PM

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen

so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

yaris2010RS

01-25-2011, 12:35 PM

A young man moved out from his parent's home and into a new apartment, all his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

yaris2010RS

01-27-2011, 07:15 PM

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTIG:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She's a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff 's office, no less.

AND FINALLY….

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .... they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!!!!!

yaris2010RS

01-27-2011, 07:18 PM

NEWSPAPER HEADINGS FOR YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They Had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

*MAD DOG*

01-28-2011, 02:14 PM

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford: -The material we put into
our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks such as coke corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake”:

cali yaris

01-28-2011, 03:03 PM

^ HAHA. I check this thread just once in a while, and there's always a pearl waiting for me. :laugh:

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2011, 03:14 AM

^ HAHA. I check this thread just once in a while, and there's always a pearl waiting for me. :laugh:

I'm glad people enjoy my and others humor.

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2011, 03:23 AM

Hey everyone,

Most people know me from either meeting me on my visits to CA, USA or from my thread http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560

I get funny emails sent to me from all over the world. If they are text based jokes I put them in http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560 but I also send them on.

I have an email list (some of you are already on) for funnies. So not just jokes, but funny videos and the like.

If you would like to join my email list for funnies, please either send me a pm with your email address or just put your email address in this thread. I would also ask anyone else that sends funnies to add me to their email list, send me a pm and I’ll give you my email address.

Everything I send out is BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) to prevent spammers from getting your email address.

Hope to hear from you.

silver_echo

01-29-2011, 01:36 PM

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2011, 06:54 PM

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock.
"Ahve everythin' organised already, the flowers, the kirk, the cards, the
reception, the rings, the minister, even mah stag nicht".
Archie nods approvingly.

"Ahve even boucht a kilt to be married in", continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure dead brilliant in
that!"

"And what's the tartin?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ...."

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2011, 07:04 PM

Yesterday morning I had a knock on the door.....I opened up and there stood a young man with an armful of books...

" What's your problem ? ".. I asked ..

" I am a Jehovah's Witness " He said..

I told him to come on in and I sat him on the lounge and made him comfortable and offered him a buscuit...

" Now , what do you want to talk about ? " I asked..

" Fucked if I know " he said . " I've never got this far before "

SilverBack

01-30-2011, 11:07 PM

Bosses are like diapers: they're full of shit and always on your ass

*MAD DOG*

02-01-2011, 07:38 AM

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?", the Englishman asked.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

*MAD DOG*

02-01-2011, 07:45 AM

Unfaithful Wife

A man returning home a day early from a business trip

got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he

would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having

an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the

house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket

back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very

generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for

our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership,

and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket

before he catches a cold."

*MAD DOG*

02-02-2011, 09:58 AM

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's tool hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out..........

"Holyshit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

*MAD DOG*

02-06-2011, 07:03 AM

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

big lo

02-06-2011, 09:55 AM

OMG, Lmfao. Brotha are making this stuff up or what, because you got talent man. All the emails you are sending me A+ in my book very funny stuff keep up the good work:respekt:

*MAD DOG*

02-06-2011, 10:17 AM

OMG, Lmfao. Brotha are making this stuff up or what, because you got talent man. All the emails you are sending me A+ in my book very funny stuff keep up the good work:respekt:

:w00t: :thumbsup: Feel free to send some emails my way.

*MAD DOG*

02-07-2011, 06:16 AM

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all
walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said,
'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says,
'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains,
'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,

'Fill the bugger with water.'.........................

*MAD DOG*

02-09-2011, 12:44 AM

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.The first replied, "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.

"The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties.""Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.

"The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.""What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

*MAD DOG*

02-09-2011, 02:19 PM

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

*MAD DOG*

02-11-2011, 07:43 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside
the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream.
It's a breeze.

'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year’.

Slick

02-11-2011, 08:35 PM

Alright, posts 616 and 618 are side busters! Classic lol.

*MAD DOG*

02-11-2011, 10:04 PM

Alright, posts 616 and 618 are side busters! Classic lol.

If you like my jokes click here (http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=32972)

*MAD DOG*

02-13-2011, 08:00 PM

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

*MAD DOG*

02-14-2011, 07:46 AM

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

*MAD DOG*

02-22-2011, 01:51 AM

Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another fucking hour.

silver_echo

02-22-2011, 04:30 AM

*MAD DOG*

02-22-2011, 04:44 AM

why did you not email this one to me?

I had 37 emails in my inbox. Some were funny, some were not. I only send on the emails that I feel are worthwhile to send on. I also got up for work at 4:15am.................

*MAD DOG*

02-23-2011, 02:56 AM

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat, says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

*MAD DOG*

02-23-2011, 05:30 AM

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina.
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day.
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Dont matter, sometimes even Camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and fuckers run too fast...

*MAD DOG*

02-23-2011, 03:11 PM

Court Case

Lawyers must read this

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

Case closed!

*MAD DOG*

02-24-2011, 01:42 PM

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high..... has got to be a ballerina!'

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2011, 01:08 AM

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2011, 01:09 AM

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2011, 01:11 AM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination."At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2011, 01:31 AM

MODS YOU DECIDE IF THIS JOKE STAYS OR GOES

Holistic Medicine…

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only there a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: “Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?”
The doctor said ... “You were homesick.”

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2011, 01:33 AM

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Jefferson, Ohio .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough..

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere... I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

*MAD DOG*

03-01-2011, 02:30 AM

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers." He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van.." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

*MAD DOG*

03-01-2011, 02:40 AM

5 minute management course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
And went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
Lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

*MAD DOG*

03-01-2011, 07:59 AM

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when
a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department
of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . .

*MAD DOG*

03-02-2011, 06:57 AM

A guy is pulled over by a police car for
running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

*MAD DOG*

03-07-2011, 07:33 AM

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

silver_echo

03-12-2011, 02:15 PM

http://www.makemelaugh.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/AdviceColumn.jpg

*MAD DOG*

03-12-2011, 11:15 PM

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What' s the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

*MAD DOG*

03-13-2011, 10:24 AM

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven..."

God replied, " A s you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again.

"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of Bud Lite beer under one arm and a beautiful hot blonde in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad!"

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

The keg has a hole in it.

The blonde doesn't."

*MAD DOG*

03-13-2011, 10:33 AM

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the community center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?

You're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life is not

getting any easier.

marcus

03-13-2011, 11:43 AM

lol nice thread..stress reliever..thank you!

*MAD DOG*

03-18-2011, 03:31 AM

Economics Teacher: Class, can you give me an example of a complete business
failure due to professional negligence?

Student: A pregnant prostitute.....

nemelek

03-18-2011, 05:51 PM

The Boccelli Shoes
Gennaro walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,But how do you know?'

Gennaro answers,'I see the reflection in my new$300 Boccelli leather shoes.How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,And after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes...
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face Turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight...'

Gennaro gasps,'Thanka God ...

I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

*MAD DOG*

03-18-2011, 05:59 PM

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!

*MAD DOG*

03-23-2011, 07:21 AM

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2011, 12:35 AM

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for. "

"I still call Australia home," he says to her.

She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare.

"Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai
Airways..." and said, "Smooth as silk."

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want ?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, United!!"

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2011, 12:38 AM

Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot,
hanged, or injected with the aids virus for a slow agonising death.

He says "Give me the aids injection."
They inject him and he rolls round the floor laughing.

The warden says "What's so funny?"

Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom!"

*MAD DOG*

04-03-2011, 08:51 AM

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

*MAD DOG*

04-03-2011, 08:42 PM

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"

The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"

The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."

The man downs the shots and leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."

The man downs his shots and leaves.

The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"

The man says, "Yeah, my wife."

yaris 2sz

04-04-2011, 03:55 AM

-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast

*MAD DOG*

04-05-2011, 08:50 AM

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

*MAD DOG*

04-05-2011, 10:03 PM

Bloke goes to doctor having problems with premature ejaculation. He is told when u feel urself cuming give urself a fright by firing a starter pistol in2 the air 2 prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. Bloke says not good. I was havin a 69r n felt myself startin to cum, so i fired the gun. My wife shit in my face, bit the end off my cock & the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up.

shinlee

04-06-2011, 02:35 AM

that's f**kin great man... I love that one!

*MAD DOG*

04-06-2011, 02:53 AM

that's f**kin great man... I love that one!

Glad you liked it. I lol'd.

*MAD DOG*

04-11-2011, 09:27 AM

The 2 PRAWNS!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............

(You're going to love this................................)

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

nemelek

04-14-2011, 07:45 AM

Gas coupon

I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers. I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them
SEE COUPON BELOW...

.

*MAD DOG*

04-14-2011, 07:56 AM

tomato

04-16-2011, 02:48 AM

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home”. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome". "Is it common?", well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

*MAD DOG*

04-17-2011, 02:06 AM

Oh my. I had to borrow one of those and post it up on facebook. Lamest set of jokes i've seen in ages.

SailDesign

04-17-2011, 10:36 AM

Oh my. I had to borrow one of those and post it up on facebook. Lamest set of jokes i've seen in ages.

You're only saying that coz you got busted... :biggrin:

*MAD DOG*

04-17-2011, 02:40 PM

You're only saying that coz you got busted... :biggrin:

Your honour........ I plead the 5th amendment...... lol :laughabove:

silver_echo

04-17-2011, 04:41 PM

Your honour........ I plead the 5th amendment...... lol :laughabove:

what is the 5th amendment of the australian constitution? :biggrin:

*MAD DOG*

04-17-2011, 10:00 PM

what is the 5th amendment of the australian constitution? :biggrin:

Chapter 5 is "The Constitution of each State of the Commonwealth shall, subject to this Constitution, continue as at the establishment of the Commonwealth, or as at the admission or establishment of the State, as the case may be, until altered in accordance with the Constitution of the State."

or in laymans terms "Blah Blah Blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Blah blah meh!" :wink:

silver_echo

04-17-2011, 10:41 PM

Chapter 5 is "The Constitution of each State of the Commonwealth shall, subject to this Constitution, continue as at the establishment of the Commonwealth, or as at the admission or establishment of the State, as the case may be, until altered in accordance with the Constitution of the State."

or in laymans terms "Blah Blah Blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Blah blah meh!" :wink:

so why are you pleading it? :tongue:

*MAD DOG*

04-18-2011, 01:54 AM

so why are you pleading it? :tongue:

I was pleading Americas 5th amendment. I will be in America on Saturday.

silver_echo

04-18-2011, 03:09 AM

I was pleading Americas 5th amendment. I will be in America on Saturday.

where in usa?

*MAD DOG*

04-18-2011, 05:29 AM

Oahu Hawaii :)

*MAD DOG*

04-18-2011, 03:07 PM

Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.
A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

silver_echo

05-17-2011, 05:12 AM

bump... NSFW?

Renault & Ford r making a car between them 2 beat the credit crunch, based on the Clio &Taurus, the new 'Clitaurus' will b pink & has an optional furry dash

*MAD DOG*

05-17-2011, 05:48 AM

Sorry guys, got a lot on my plate at the moment. Pardon the pun :P

*MAD DOG*

05-17-2011, 05:49 AM

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he had told a donkey to fuck off once.

*MAD DOG*

05-18-2011, 05:35 PM

Got a phone call from my mate last night.

He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there
he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the
Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family
asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his
camera.

They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they
all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

*MAD DOG*

05-20-2011, 01:21 AM

A farmhand appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the farmhand offered.

“On a trip to Longreach Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

*MAD DOG*

05-22-2011, 07:37 AM

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the*
gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...

"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

*MAD DOG*

05-26-2011, 01:29 AM

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

*MAD DOG*

05-26-2011, 01:33 AM

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

*MAD DOG*

05-27-2011, 12:21 AM

A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising

For a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind

The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for

The gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them

Down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in

Soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to

Go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

*MAD DOG*

05-27-2011, 12:28 AM

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker!

*MAD DOG*

05-30-2011, 01:45 AM

"Planking" is nothing new! My wifes been doing it for years - 'cept she calls it sex.

*MAD DOG*

06-09-2011, 11:11 AM

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

*MAD DOG*

06-09-2011, 11:12 AM

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

*MAD DOG*

06-09-2011, 11:13 AM

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

*MAD DOG*

06-09-2011, 11:14 AM

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

silver_echo

06-10-2011, 02:39 AM

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the Mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

*MAD DOG*

06-13-2011, 03:26 PM

*Irony of Life*

Men:
1 All men are extremely busy.
2 Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3 Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4 Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5 Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
with others.
6 Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if
the woman leaves them.
7 Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their
mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women
1 The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2 Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
clothes and stuff.
3 Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something
to wear.
4 Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
beautifully.
5 Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just
"an old rag".
6 Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
you to compliment them.
7 Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
believe you.

JumpmanYaris

06-14-2011, 09:48 PM

so there is this sad guy,
and a friend walks up to him and asked him,
whats wrong bro?
He answers: I almost ran over my mother in law
other guy: WHAT?? WHAT HAPPENED? Did you brakes failed?
Sad guy: NAAA MAN MY ACCELERATOR BROKE!!

BluYrs

06-15-2011, 03:26 AM

A Japanese man in New York complains to a bank: "I exchanged Yen week ago. Why this week I exchange same yen and get less dollar!?"

"Fluctuations", replies the cashier.

Storming out he yells, "Fluck you Amelicans!"

*MAD DOG*

06-21-2011, 09:39 AM

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord
“It’s not” said the man…
“the little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms”

*MAD DOG*

06-27-2011, 11:47 PM

The Deaf Italian bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have
to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer
replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love Italian lawyers?

*MAD DOG*

06-28-2011, 12:27 AM

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!

=================================

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

=================================

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

=================================

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

=================================

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

=================================

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

=================================

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

=================================

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

=================================

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

=================================

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

*MAD DOG*

07-08-2011, 08:46 PM

Man arrives home from work, remembering it is his wife birthday the next day
he asks her "What would you like for your birthday."

She replies " A divorce."

To this the man replies "I did not intend to spend that much."

TLyttle

07-09-2011, 12:55 AM

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

*MAD DOG*

07-11-2011, 05:14 PM

So how's your day going?

*

*There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
*trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down*in one swig.
*"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
*tears.
*"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand
*to see a man crying."
*"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
*I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
*lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
*I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man
*and then my dog bit me."
*"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I
*buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
*dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

*But enough about me, how's your day going?

SailDesign

07-13-2011, 09:40 AM

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
_____

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."
_____

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
_____

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a
name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
_____

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
_____

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

SilverBack

07-19-2011, 04:03 AM

Why don't men stop to ask for directions? Because we know how to read a map.

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

And I don't plan it! Thank you, sir :clap:

*MAD DOG*

08-15-2011, 06:51 PM

US RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

*MAD DOG*

09-14-2011, 10:25 AM

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'
So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your
vocal cords..'

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

SilverBack

09-22-2011, 03:17 PM

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

*MAD DOG*

09-26-2011, 08:42 AM

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary
assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay
on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --
You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with
her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a
golf bag while we walk??
..

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

*MAD DOG*

10-09-2011, 03:38 AM

(To make this joke American, substitute Julia Gillard for President Obama)

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Gillard is a 'Fence Post Turtle''..

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'fence post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'fence post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there,
she doesn't know what to do while she's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put her up there to begin with.

*MAD DOG*

10-09-2011, 08:29 AM

A U.S. Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain:
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.

Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Impossible, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

*MAD DOG*

10-10-2011, 12:16 AM

When going on a roller coaster, bring some spare nuts and bolts with you.

When they strap you all in, lean over to the person in front and say" SHIT BLOKE, these came out of your seat!"

*MAD DOG*

10-17-2011, 04:05 PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

TLyttle

10-18-2011, 12:12 AM

Been there, done that, minus the hot air balloon...

ilikerice

10-18-2011, 09:43 AM

*MAD DOG*

10-19-2011, 01:42 AM

"HOW TO INSTALL YOUR NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM"

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a used pair of men's work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:-

Bubba,
Me and Bertha, Duke and Slim went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

nemelek

11-09-2011, 05:31 PM

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, " Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied, " I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, " Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy man oeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, " By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Bill replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

*MAD DOG*

02-12-2012, 10:08 PM

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates Me!"
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

*MAD DOG*

02-17-2012, 07:05 AM

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for
example...****

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's
done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi
Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say hello?****

*MAD DOG*

02-17-2012, 07:11 AM

O.K. Honey!

We're here!

I said I was sorry!

You can come out now.

shinlee

02-18-2012, 06:42 PM

please don't stop posting these just cuz you got a camry! I love em!

*MAD DOG*

02-18-2012, 09:13 PM

I ain't leaving this forum. However, pm me your email address and I'll send you funny emails like this if you wish.

*MAD DOG*

02-23-2012, 07:28 AM

J_Lynn

02-23-2012, 10:42 AM

^ lololololololololl

*MAD DOG*

02-24-2012, 07:49 PM

BluYrs

03-13-2012, 09:54 AM

"I saw these 2 fat chicks at the bar the other night. So I approached them and asked "Are you two ladies from Britain?" One replied "It's Whales, you idiot!" me:" I'm sorry, are you two whales from Britain?"

*MAD DOG*

03-13-2012, 05:04 PM

An Arab enters a taxi..........
*
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
*
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “Watt are you doing man?”
*
The cabby answers:*“In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2012, 08:47 PM

Saying the right thing at the right time

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks went down easy. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table with a single rose.

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He takes the aspirins, looks around the room, and sees that it is in perfect order. He then goes to the bathroom, where he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

Jack is bewildered. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'What happened last night?''
“Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway”, answers his son.

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table!”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Saying the right thing, at the right time is …. PRICELESS.

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2012, 09:06 PM

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"All right, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

tomato

03-24-2012, 09:09 PM

# 706 LOL! :laugh: :laugh:

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2012, 09:18 PM

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible..
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2012, 09:21 PM

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job.."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood.
A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,
"I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.
But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played.
Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.
Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots?
They were incredible."
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied,
"We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare,
one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President of the USA."

*MAD DOG*

03-25-2012, 08:03 AM

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xo797x_upstairs_fun

tomato

03-25-2012, 05:28 PM

:bellyroll::bellyroll::bellyroll: OMG that last one is hilarious, in a sick sort of way :biggrin:

P Davis

03-27-2012, 03:58 PM

Hey i went to the gas station and asked for $5.00 worth of gas.The attendant farted and handed me a receipt!!!!!!!:burnrubber:

*MAD DOG*

03-30-2012, 12:33 AM

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilised and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realise that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying bitch she is ...

*MAD DOG*

03-30-2012, 12:40 AM

Trump Explains Health Care

No one can sum it up better than Trump

Let me get this straight . . .

We're going to be "gifted" with a health care
plan we are forced to purchase and
fined if we don't,
Which purportedly covers at least
ten million more people,
without adding a single new doctor,
but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents,
written by a committee whose chairman
says he doesn't understand it,
passed by a Congress that didn't read it but
exempted themselves from it,
and signed by a Dumbo President who smokes,
with funding administered by a treasury chief who
didn't pay his taxes,
for which we'll be taxed for four years before any
benefits take effect,
by a government which has
already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare,
all to be overseen by a surgeon general
who is obese,
and financed by a country that's broke!

'What the hell could possibly go wrong?'

silver_echo

03-30-2012, 11:48 AM

Sounds about right about the healthcare

*MAD DOG*

03-31-2012, 09:52 AM

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.'

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'?

'Yes, actually I have,' she says.

The man replies..

'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

*MAD DOG*

04-03-2012, 06:46 PM

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he met U.S.
General Patraeus.

They shook hands.
As they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question
about what I have seen in America ."
The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this TV show called Star Trek
and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,
Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any
Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
whispered back,

"That's because it takes place in the future".

Spidermandud

04-04-2012, 05:04 PM

I don't always read jokes, but when I do, I prefer Mad Dog's.

*MAD DOG*

04-04-2012, 09:08 PM

I don't always read jokes, but when I do, I prefer Mad Dog's.

:w00t: :respekt:

*MAD DOG*

04-10-2012, 07:03 AM

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"Nah, .... just here for a few days"...

*MAD DOG*

04-13-2012, 09:47 PM

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

*MAD DOG*

04-13-2012, 09:50 PM

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian,
an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese,
a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burun...dian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian,
a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian,
a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean,
an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek,
a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander,
an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan,
a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger,
a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian,
a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander,
a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian,
a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,
a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian,
a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede,
a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan,
a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'

*MAD DOG*

04-18-2012, 10:22 AM

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

*MAD DOG*

04-20-2012, 11:51 PM

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born:
*"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son…. "
*The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:
*"I don't mean to be rude either….. but this is a vagina…. not a fucking photo-copier…"

*MAD DOG*

04-21-2012, 08:13 AM

*MAD DOG*

04-21-2012, 10:14 PM

THE PRANK CALLER

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

*MAD DOG*

04-26-2012, 06:00 AM

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
*
When I got to the door I couldn't jump.
So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches
& says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your ar$e !......
*
Mick asks "Did you jump?".
*
Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in".

*MAD DOG*

06-20-2012, 10:05 PM

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter ".
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"

*MAD DOG*

06-22-2012, 10:26 AM

Peace and Quiet

A guy sits down in a local bar ordering several drinks in a row
downing them all rapidly looking all the while rather despondent.
The bartender asks, “Is everything okay, pal?”
“My wife and I got into a fight and she isn’t talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says,
“It could be a good thing, you know, a little peace and quiet.”
The guy at the bar responds,
“Yeah, but today is the last day.”

*MAD DOG*

06-24-2012, 10:04 AM

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Inspectors *funeral, a voice from inside screams
*
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
*
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
*
“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

*MAD DOG*

07-01-2012, 11:35 AM

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

*MAD DOG*

07-13-2012, 10:00 AM

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over
his papers and says,

"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your
recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is
unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off
potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop
winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"