The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2 [Archive] - Toyota Yaris Forums

*MAD DOG*

10-20-2008, 09:56 AM

Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides. 'Oh, so sad dear' says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers. 'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically,

'I remember when he first started school' 'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with
tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says....
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Scroll Down You'll Love This
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'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

*MAD DOG*

10-20-2008, 10:15 AM

A platoon of Australian soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Commander asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when the bloody truck hit us.'

*MAD DOG*

10-20-2008, 09:26 PM

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Bob_VT

10-20-2008, 10:06 PM

Guts or Balls, There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in
death.

Bob_VT

10-20-2008, 10:11 PM

At the service one Sunday, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to thank my wife for standing by me through all this. I could have never made it without her...but honey, the word is...

STERNUM!.'

Bob_VT

10-20-2008, 10:18 PM

Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great...... I be work soon.......... you got nice house."

Bob_VT

10-20-2008, 10:19 PM

When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares.
They would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one
Legend always stuck in my mind.

It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.

There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love
with a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand,
on the shore, each on their respective side of the Lake,
and chant Indian love calls to each other...even though
they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever
come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight.
When they reached each other in the center of the Lake,
they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act
so impressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake
after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
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"Lake Stupid."

*MAD DOG*

10-21-2008, 01:04 AM

Some good jokes there Bob, keep em coming.

TEHxFALLEN V1.2

10-21-2008, 02:45 AM

I just love your 5th post! It's true.. Women are hard to please.

1NZYaris1

10-21-2008, 02:58 AM

Ah life is returnning to normal again, bring on the jokes people:thumbup:

Bob_VT

10-21-2008, 09:21 PM

Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Friday.

TEHxFALLEN V1.2

10-21-2008, 09:25 PM

LOL

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 04:20 PM

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most

unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black

hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man

walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time

to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you

walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?'

The man in the procession replied, 'Well, that first hearse is for my wife.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My pit bull attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the

dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue.'

nemelek

10-22-2008, 04:43 PM

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There's always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his goddamn widow.

bobselectric

10-22-2008, 06:18 PM

Warning to all guys-

After shopping at the local Home Depot, i was on my way to the car when I was approached by two drop dead gorgeous ladies, both wearing tight shorts and bikini tops. The brunette asked me if I could give them a ride to the local mall, and I wouldn't be sorry if I did. Agreeing they both jumped in the back seat where they started making out with one another! As they got more and more excited, they asked me to join them. What could I say? An hour later, after the most intense sex I've ever had, I left these two lovely ladies at the mall.

When I got home, I noticed my wallet and all my cash was gone!!!!! So guys, be careful! this has happened to me on the first of this month, the third,fourth, seventh, ninth and thirteenth!!!

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 08:39 PM

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so
Begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f#ckin arsehole !!"

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 08:41 PM

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

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Probably wasn't the same elephant.

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 08:47 PM

Don't ask Grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 08:51 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars .. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 08:55 PM

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little japanese man,
clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the japanese
man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man",
and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little japanese man is back with a huge
truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little japanese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"
Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon,
he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little japanese man
thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the
little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the
wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best japanese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 09:01 PM

"Marriage in Heaven"

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder;
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go
find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it
all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a Catholic priest up
here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 09:14 PM

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.

And Satan said, " You want hot fudge with that?

And Man said, " Yes! "

And Woman said, " I'll have one too with chocolate chips " .

And lo, they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, " Try my fresh green salad " .

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the
side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, " I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them " .

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious
quantities
of salt.

And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable T.V. with remote control so Man
Would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and
started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said, " You want fries with that? " and Man replied, " Yes,
And super size 'em " .

And Satan said, " It is good. " And Man and Woman went into cardiac
arrest.

God sighed. And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan
chuckled, and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final
word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
Fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

*MAD DOG*

10-22-2008, 09:22 PM

Anti terrorist testing

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability
of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They
question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest,
killing everything, including the rabbit. It makes no apologies; the rabbit had
it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is sobbing, "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John W Howard hears about George jnr's idea and decides to test
Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo
Forest, near Canberra.

The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promises that if it gets a
budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and
proceeds of crime.

The Victorian police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with
a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
like dangerous rabbits and we acted in self-defence," they explain.

The NSW police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers
and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Queensland police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes,
scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs
itself when the attending officer "slipped out momentarily" for a cup of
tea.

The SA and NT police join forces and beat the crap out of every rabbit in
the forest, except the white one. They know it is the black ones who cause
all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues,
particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime
and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be
returned to the referring authority for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.

Bob_VT

10-22-2008, 10:33 PM

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was
a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked t he doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

Bob_VT

10-22-2008, 10:42 PM

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today

BluYrs

10-23-2008, 05:44 AM

I had a Japanese intern once; I asked him to get some supplies and he never came back. In the end I went to look for him and he jumped out waving his arms and shouted "SUPPLIES!"

Bob_VT

10-24-2008, 09:00 AM

Big People Words

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Bob_VT

10-24-2008, 09:25 AM

Duane was in big trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'.

The next morning Duane got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Duane has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Bob_VT

10-24-2008, 02:49 PM

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore-finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill In right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

bobselectric

10-24-2008, 08:59 PM

George Bush is in the Oval office, when an aide comes in and says, "Excuse me Mr. President, but we just received word from Iraq that five soldiers were killed by an IED". The President, looks at the aide and replies "This is the cost of freedom- an ultimate sacrifice. Get their information so I can contact their families."

The next day, the aide returns and says "Mr. President, we just got word that two Brazilian peacekeepers were lost in Afghanistan."
Bush looks up, visibly shaken--"This is horrible!! The worst thing that could happen!"
"Mr. President," the aide replies, "forgive me for being blunt, but yesterday we lost five American men, and you didn't get that upset. Today we lose two Brazilian men and you're almost inconsolable."
George grabs the aide by the shoulders and roars, "Do you realize how many a Brazilian is?!!!!"

engelm_

10-24-2008, 09:03 PM

*MAD DOG*

10-25-2008, 07:47 AM

*MAD DOG*

10-25-2008, 07:47 AM

The rules of being a wog.

1 You can never have too many Sub Woofers.
2 Speaking of subwoofers, you can easily get eight 10-inch subs in an 89 Pulsar.
3 When a wog tells you “my car does 12 easy mate” he really means 13.5 with his cousin Gino in the passenger seat timing him on his Nokia stopwatch.
4 Lebos don’t appreciate Italians calling their friends habib.
5 Maltese people, according to the Lebanese, are honorary Arabs… however… according to the Maltese, we started the whole system.
6 Never buy, or consider to buy….hell, never even SIT in a Hyundai. Unless for insurance jobs purposes.
7 For a good deal on a stereo, go to Knox City JB and ask for a guy called. Joe, tell him George sent you and easily get mates rates. However, think twice when asking for a receipt.
8 Never stare at your mate’s girlfriend’s mo.
9 If you haven’t got a cousin that can do it, you’re not a wog.
10 Cars have a red line for a reason.
11 For a good length beard for Saturday night, shave Thursday night. Otherwise, shave Saturday morning if you are Lebanese.
12 Never argue with a V8 motor head if you drive a turbo.
13 Adidas goes well with Kappa.
14 One phone call + 2 minutes = 50 habibs.
15 Doing laps around Chapel St. has its many uses. It allows a wog to scope out the available merchandise walking the streets, allows other wogs to scope out those 18 inch rims on your civic and most importantly its an efficient way to burn a tank of petrol.
16 Simply checking out the local talent while driving leads to nothing. For an effective method of entertaining the ladies and yourself, a few beeps from the horn and some effluent language does not go astray.
17 If you enjoy your job, then you’re not technically “working”. If you’re not technically working, then Centrelink does not have to know about it.
18 For a car you can rev the crap out of, get a Honda. For a turbo, get a Nissan. Toyota's are good for a laugh, and you can't beat the backseat in Jim’s Valiant.
19 For some real food, take Leb bread along with salad and tomatoes to KFC and order 4 crispy strips.
20 It is embarrassing when you use the same razor and after-shave as your mate Gino Popolopolis’ sister.

*MAD DOG*

10-25-2008, 07:51 AM

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh. '

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that?'

Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

*MAD DOG*

10-26-2008, 07:41 PM

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Bob_VT

10-26-2008, 08:19 PM

An old woman is in the hospital unconscious recovering from heart surgery, her husband is by her side and it is getting late so he decides to tuck her in for the night, when he lifts the sheet he notices that she is naked and goes and kisses her breast, Her heart beat increases.

A few moments later the doctor comes in to check on her an notices the improvement and ask the husband what happened, he said that when he tucked her in he teased her nipple and her heart rate increased.

The doctor is impressed with this and tell the husband to try oral sex, the doctor left them alone for a half hour or so and comes back in.

The husband is in the chair crying and the wife is dead, the doctor asked what happened the husband replied

I don't know doc, I think she choked......

Bob_VT

10-26-2008, 08:42 PM

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo".

*MAD DOG*

10-28-2008, 08:41 AM

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam '

TLyttle

10-29-2008, 01:51 PM

Has this little one-liner been through here yet?

Apparently the financial situation in the US is so bad that the New York Mafia had to take some judges off their payroll...

*MAD DOG*

10-30-2008, 11:29 AM

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and
he slowly nursed her back to health..

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds,
and a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought
the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now
had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and
whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

Bob_VT

10-30-2008, 11:43 PM

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.

8. I don' t need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

bobselectric

10-31-2008, 12:01 AM

Bob_VT

10-31-2008, 09:17 AM

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat
down and looked
over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $7.00
+ Fried Explorer: $9.00
+ Baked Democrat or Republican: $150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of poo, it takes all morning.'

Bob_VT

11-01-2008, 12:51 PM

Why Some Men Have Dogs

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

*MAD DOG*

11-06-2008, 12:26 AM

A man walks into a restaurant with a fully grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs , pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Bob_VT

11-07-2008, 05:07 PM

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

*MAD DOG*

11-07-2008, 07:41 PM

http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb65/MADDOGZONER/Whatalife.jpg

Bob_VT

11-08-2008, 08:37 PM

Taking a break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is,

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Ay ya got to love those German enginers. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

nemelek

11-09-2008, 05:37 PM

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

Charlie says, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

*MAD DOG*

11-10-2008, 03:22 AM

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How
much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The
salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for
$19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced
Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's
Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

bobselectric

11-10-2008, 07:35 PM

ya know, you can always tell an irishman...

you just can't tell him much

nemelek

11-10-2008, 08:25 PM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.
================================================== =====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

================================================== ===================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....
================================================== ===================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =============

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ' Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get
soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

Bob_VT

11-10-2008, 09:03 PM

With the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays coming up fast, I
thought this might be a helpful hint, a turkey recipe that includes
the use of popcorn as a stuffing. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell
when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

> 8 - 15 lb. turkey
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
> 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
> Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck

end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies
across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I didn't cook!!!

*MAD DOG*

11-11-2008, 09:34 AM

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself
at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts
college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Sergeant Major for
conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of
action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, 'You know, you should
lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know,
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when was the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so
serious. You really need to chill out! I
mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare
chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget
much since 1955'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after
glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only
2130 now.'

(Gotta love military time !!)

Bob_VT

11-11-2008, 10:54 AM

Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his han ds up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .

Bob_VT

11-11-2008, 04:28 PM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, that ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gomer said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say, “There’s Bubba with them two assholes.’

Bob_VT

11-11-2008, 04:37 PM

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

*MAD DOG*

11-11-2008, 07:52 PM

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast..

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch
jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed .......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of
red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Here endeth the Lesson

*MAD DOG*

11-12-2008, 02:27 AM

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat. You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, an Asian, a Poof, a Collingwood supporter and anything Aboriginal.

nemelek

11-12-2008, 06:43 PM

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

dvlnblkdrs

11-13-2008, 01:49 AM

decided to post this as i just myspaced it to my friend..

IF YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN BOB SAGET DO STAND UP.. U MUST WATCH!!! NOT WORK/CHILDREN SAFE.. VULGAR LANGUAGE!!!!

http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=ctHArXFxu9A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLjlwUMGgyk

http://www,youtube. com/watch?v=YxXnL7stm6E

http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=b65rZSCy5ik

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=vO2eMcT2jAI

http://www.youtube. com/watch?v=0VZXV7aTl24

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=byhwH0xKxMM

*MAD DOG*

11-13-2008, 09:38 AM

New Words for 2008

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

eTiMaGo

11-14-2008, 09:08 AM

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand
new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it
into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian cross-
ing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing
next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, with her eyes gleaming lustfully.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful,
I had tennis elbow once!"

Bob_VT

11-15-2008, 07:29 PM

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter
leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Bob_VT

11-17-2008, 10:42 AM

Litttle Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was asking all the students what there fathers did for a living, She got the usual responses, lawyer, salesman, doctor etc...

she looked over at Johnny who at the time has his head down looking to avoid the question, She quickly said "what about you Johnny, what does your father do?"

Johnny hesitates, "well, he, he ugh is a gay male stripper, and um sometimes he dances privately in the alley for money too! and ughh"

right there the teacher sidetracks the class and says "ok ok ok thats quite enough, Johnny can i see you in the hall please ?". the teacher says

they leave the class briefly and the teacher gets johnny into the hall, "Johnny, is that what your father really does for a livin?" johnny looks at her very sad and he says " NO" the teacher says " then why would you say those outlandish things?" Johnny looks up and hesitantly says "he really works for General Motors and i didnt want anyone to know"

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:01 AM

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:01 AM

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:02 AM

85% of Mexican males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet.

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:02 AM

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on My face!

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:02 AM

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me, pass the parcel was fast!

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:02 AM

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:03 AM

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm Sunday?

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 06:07 AM

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.

He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

*MAD DOG*

11-19-2008, 08:42 PM

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

nemelek

11-20-2008, 06:53 PM

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, son, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough'.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the
father says 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.
'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like care of this.'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You
are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,'
he says, 'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying
their own way.'

Bob_VT

11-22-2008, 02:44 PM

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you," he says. "No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. " Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. "Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What do you say to that?" The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. "Look, I don't care what you promise me, Dad. I'm NOT riding in your Yugo!"

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:04 AM

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:05 AM

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:06 AM

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:06 AM

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:06 AM

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:07 AM

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:07 AM

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:08 AM

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:09 AM

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:09 AM

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:09 AM

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A.. About three inches.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:10 AM

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:11 AM

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:11 AM

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:11 AM

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:12 AM

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:12 AM

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:13 AM

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

*MAD DOG*

11-23-2008, 12:13 AM

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!

Bob_VT

11-23-2008, 11:19 PM

Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.

When the two friends got off the plane -still dressed for Canadian winter weather -they wandered into a pub and sat down.

The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, “G’day, mates. Where’re you from?”

“Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,” one of the Canadians replied.

“Ahhhh,” said the Aussie, returning to his table.

“So where are they from?” the other locals asked.

“Don’t know, mate,” replied the Aussie.

“They don’t speak English.”

Bob_VT

11-23-2008, 11:20 PM

Steve was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices … Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

After considering briefly, Steve decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Steve soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Steve. That was my cousin and you’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Again, Steve thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Steve finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, “Admit it, Steve, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

Bob_VT

11-23-2008, 11:23 PM

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, W. Va., and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up a file ad says, “The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.

“No, sir: that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

Bob_VT

11-23-2008, 11:24 PM

A traveling salesman visiting a small town in rural Texas saw a circus banner reading: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Texan”.

The salesman was curious, so he bought a ticket. The tent went dark. Suddenly, trumpets blared, the lights came up, and all eyes turned to the center ring.

There was revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table was an old retired cowboy. Suddenly, the old cowboy unzipped his jeans, whipped it out, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Texan was carried off on their shoulders.

Ten years later, the salesman visits the same little town, and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning: “Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan”.

He can’t believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconut s are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings.

The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the old Texan, “but I have to know something. You’re older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well ya see…,” says the old cowboy, “my eyes ain’t what they used to be.”

rg570lvr

11-24-2008, 01:37 AM

How do you know if you have a really high sperm count?..........Your partner has to chew before they swallow.

Tamago

11-25-2008, 02:16 PM

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!'

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked.

'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs

Bob_VT

11-25-2008, 07:05 PM

Great Joke

Did you know we have a Joke thread? http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560

Bob_VT

11-25-2008, 07:16 PM

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14..14...14...14....'.

Tamago

11-25-2008, 08:01 PM

Great Joke

Did you know we have a Joke thread? http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560

was unaware! will remember for next time :)

Bob_VT

11-25-2008, 09:46 PM

Keep em coming!!!!!

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 02:05 AM

Will do

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 02:12 AM

(For those that don't know, Kevin Rudd is our Prime Minister and Julia Gillard is our deputy Prime Minister).

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,

'Julia, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'

'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.

'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'

'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in

a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical

outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'

'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now

and again

to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old

stockman, complete with stock whip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the

dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the

other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted

the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail

like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said the barman.

'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes!'

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 02:17 AM

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 02:20 AM

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs. Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave Back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.

When he did, they both lost their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of dat carrying on in dis pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're dat far in, you might as well funish.'

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 07:17 AM

You may be Taliban, if . . .

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your back side with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least three.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Bob_VT

11-26-2008, 07:41 AM

Getting Results

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
The befuddled clerk, in front of a growing crowd of customers, ran away to get the store manager.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!'
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
and, in doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and the woman's money was quickly refunded.

Bob_VT

11-26-2008, 10:08 AM

How Bad Was She???

She was Soooooooo Bad .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
&n bsp;
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Bad ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought t ha t she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Bad ...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

TLyttle

11-26-2008, 01:27 PM

... she spent 20 minutes leaping around madly in front of a spray bomb because the instructions said, "Shake well before using"...

KCALB SIRAY

11-26-2008, 05:06 PM

There was a guy down in Florida who said that the age of 53 years old, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain and hail of a force-3 hurricane. Now, let me explain somethin' to ya: it isn't that the wind is blowin', it's what the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a Volvo, it doesn't matter how many sit-ups you did that morning. If you have a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"

I told him, "We're all gay, man. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes, you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right- do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women doing it?" He said, "Naw, I'll watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "OK, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) I did not know that about myself." "Do you like chocolate?"

Ron White

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 08:32 PM

^
Nice try but the pictures aint workin.

*MAD DOG*

11-26-2008, 08:33 PM

Take a listen to this. It's a prank call

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/521485/cheating_husband_prank_call/

*MAD DOG*

11-27-2008, 12:48 AM

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.

*MAD DOG*

11-27-2008, 01:15 AM

not to offend anyone , this is pretty funny:

http://vh1dpa.bay.livefilestore.com/y1ph2rejgqJhoPmS-RmayqTTcf2nC7wyn8IvTF1J2z8k_GhdNZLEn-8HdbzbaIfTfBAX8yNfUwVBVI/002901c94261%240e8073d0%240201a8c0.gif

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=1&view=att&th=11dd971eac86618e&attid=0.2&disp=emb&zw

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.

^
Nice try but the pictures aint workin.

is my image working now?

The first one is working now, but the second one is still not working.

Bob_VT

11-27-2008, 10:31 AM

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat divorced women?

A. Because they taste bitter. :eyebulge:

nemelek

11-27-2008, 04:22 PM

Diet Expert

Bob_VT

11-27-2008, 09:25 PM

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil …

Satan: ‘Why so glum?’

Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’

Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’

Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’

Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’

Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’

Satan: ‘You a smoker?’

Guy: ‘You better believe it’

Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’

Guy: ‘Wow … that’s awesome!’

Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’

Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’

Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’

Guy: ‘Cool!’

Satan: ‘What about drugs?’

Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean …?’

Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’

Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’

Satan: ‘You gay?’

Guy: ‘No…’

Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough …

*MAD DOG*

11-28-2008, 07:48 PM

*MAD DOG*

11-28-2008, 08:19 PM

This is no joke. It's a true story. The Gas company is a joke.

This is a true story with an excellent outcome.
On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
his afternoon program on ABC radio.
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a
bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill
and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't
send them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error
and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error
once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest
bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the
company would
be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that
he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at
their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer
duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect
that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac
Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he
was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.
The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received
from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had
caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them
$0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take
immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim
against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince
the clerks at
the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which
were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and
difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a
higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been
processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month
period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation
they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.
Who employs these idiots??

Bob_VT

11-30-2008, 11:12 PM

Q. Why don't aliens eat clowns.

A. Because they taste funny.

http://bitsandpieces.us/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/imagesdead-20clown.jpg

:biggrin:

Bob_VT

11-30-2008, 11:42 PM

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

He responded, “She’ll find that out shortly.”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

“And by the way”, the blonde added, “it’s not a Porche, it’s a Lexus.”

*MAD DOG*

12-03-2008, 08:48 PM

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Enjoy the Holidays!

Sincerely,

The Management

Bob_VT

12-03-2008, 09:14 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee, and one pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly. "

Bob_VT

12-03-2008, 09:27 PM

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water."
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

*MAD DOG*

12-06-2008, 03:12 AM

A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, 'I can't live with this anymore! It's too long.'

The doctor replied, 'I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the forest, she can help you.'

So, he went to the forest and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, 'Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there.

Ask her to marry you..she'll say 'No'.. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!'

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, 'Will you marry me?'

'No!', she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, 'Will you marry me?'

The frog said, 'No!'

And the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked again, 'Will you marry me?'

And the frog said, 'How many times do I have to tell you . .

No ! No ! No !

Moral: Know when to quit!

Bob_VT

12-07-2008, 02:24 PM

Elmer came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,’You died in your sleep, Elmer..’

Elmer was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t believe it..I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Elmer was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen,huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Elmer the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don ‘t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘

‘Never,’ said Elmer.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

Elmer did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Elmer was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. Elmer! Wake up dammit. You shit the bed!’

*MAD DOG*

12-07-2008, 09:00 PM

David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk,
as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've
got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies David.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

Elmer came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,’You died in your sleep, Elmer..’

Elmer was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t believe it..I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Elmer was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen,huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Elmer the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don ‘t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ‘

‘Never,’ said Elmer.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

Elmer did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Elmer was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell….. Elmer! Wake up dammit. You shit the bed!’

Same joke Bob. Do you read my jokes or just post jokes?

*MAD DOG*

12-08-2008, 09:08 AM

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!',and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

*MAD DOG*

12-08-2008, 10:14 AM

A young Chinese couple gets married.
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas??

Bob_VT

12-11-2008, 08:48 PM

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorg eous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very sati sfied . You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

*MAD DOG*

12-14-2008, 01:56 AM

She married and had 13 children.
Then her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
She remarried a third time and had 5 more children.
After a long life, she finally died after having 25 children Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ' Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ' Do you think he means her first, second or third husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'

*MAD DOG*

12-14-2008, 01:58 AM

Christmas Carol For 2008

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town.

It's hitting you once,
It's hitting you twice
It doesn't care if you've been careful and wise
Recession is coming to town

It's worthless if you've got shares
It's worthless if you've got bonds
It's safe when you've got cash in hand
So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town!

Finance products are confusing
Finance products are so vague
The banks make you bear the cost of risk
So keep out for goodness sake, OH

You'd better watch out
You'd better not cry
You'd better keep cash
I'm telling you why
Recession is coming to town.

churp

12-19-2008, 07:52 AM

BUMP....I'm starting to miss my morning jokes. Anybody????

bobselectric

12-19-2008, 08:54 AM

John Kerry walks into a bar-- OUCH!

bobselectric

12-19-2008, 08:55 AM

John Kerry walks into a bar-- the bartender says-

"Why the long face?"

bobselectric

12-19-2008, 08:55 AM

An Irishman walks out of a bar---

Hey, It could happen!

Last three, Quick and lame

Bob_VT

12-19-2008, 09:36 AM

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can’t be found.

So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: “I think I can get you out.” So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: “Grab hold of my ‘thing’ and pull yourself up.”

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.

Moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

*MAD DOG*

12-21-2008, 09:18 PM

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$ We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company...
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$$incerely

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply

Dear Employee

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

---- Your Boss.

Bob_VT

12-21-2008, 11:05 PM

The Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Bob_VT

12-21-2008, 11:09 PM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way toher car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:03 AM

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:03 AM

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:04 AM

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:05 AM

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:06 AM

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:06 AM

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:07 AM

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:07 AM

A wife asked her husband:

'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

*MAD DOG*

12-25-2008, 08:20 AM

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied with a man, this is because no man has a chocolate dick that ejaculates money"

Bob_VT

12-25-2008, 08:46 AM

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

*MAD DOG*

12-28-2008, 02:31 AM

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and
completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs
adjusting?'

The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark.'
The instructor went on to say, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler.'

eTiMaGo

12-28-2008, 04:28 AM

hehehe reminds me of a shorter version...

Q: what do gynaecologists do on their time off?

A: Repaint the corridor. Through the mail slot.

*MAD DOG*

12-28-2008, 06:39 PM

Two Aborigines are riding along Oxley Road in the Kimberley on a motorbike.They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aborigines ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in his truck as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aborigines he has to leave..

'Hey mate?' they say 'C'mon gissa pucken lift brudda jus up dat road a phew Ks eh'.
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginal asks the driver if he'll take them if they can actually manage to fit themselves into the back and he finally agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motor bike into the back of the truck so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer
asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies 'Aboriginal Eggs'.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. 'I've got a truck here carrying 20,000 Aboriginal Eggs - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!'

*MAD DOG*

12-28-2008, 06:42 PM

Joke of the month for sure.

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

Bob_VT

12-29-2008, 11:18 AM

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

‘I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.’

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

‘Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.’

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

‘Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.’

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, ‘That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.’

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, ‘Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.’

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

‘Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.’

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, ‘Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…’

Bob_VT

12-31-2008, 02:25 PM

50 Years of Love

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small
Tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
answers. There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to
all this, having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a
fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he
follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt,
takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.

She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's
yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is
the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life
that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes
back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing -
that old man was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret
is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

nemelek

12-31-2008, 09:21 PM

'Please
note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the
Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************

MALE
PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE
PROCEDURE:

What
is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to
its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card th e right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt
in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Bob_VT

01-03-2009, 03:49 AM

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Bob_VT

01-03-2009, 03:50 AM

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?" "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can." That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"

nemelek

01-03-2009, 12:22 PM

If I ever need to control a sexual urge, I picture Janet Reno and Pat Schroeder doing it.

Bob_VT

01-03-2009, 11:42 PM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his belt and zipper and put her hands inside his pants. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

Bob_VT

01-03-2009, 11:46 PM

The Queen

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart. The fart shakes the coach and the smell is overwhelming! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Bob_VT

01-05-2009, 03:01 PM

Baby Planes?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.
So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" the attendant asked the lad.
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time," said the pretty flight attendant. "I'm sure she won't have any trouble explaining that to you."

Bob_VT

01-06-2009, 04:53 PM

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE .... I'M BROKE!!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

*MAD DOG*

01-07-2009, 03:26 AM

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

nemelek

01-09-2009, 10:36 PM

Mother Daughter

Bob_VT

01-10-2009, 08:48 AM

Questions & Answers

Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.

Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn't hard.

Pepe

01-11-2009, 02:58 AM

Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Bob_VT

01-19-2009, 09:45 PM

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

Bob_VT

01-23-2009, 08:09 PM

It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold ?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2009, 07:17 PM

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's sitting quietly having a few beers when a short, well-dressed, and obviously gay man, walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal.

Leaning over closely to the Aboriginal the gay guy whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says, "Just what did he say to you?"

'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a job....'

(If you don't get the joke, most (not all) Aboriginals bludge on welfare there entire lives)

*MAD DOG*

01-29-2009, 10:00 PM

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

SilverBack

01-31-2009, 01:11 AM

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

SailDesign

01-31-2009, 10:18 AM

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

Aw, dood, I was just eating breakfast.... :barf:

*MAD DOG*

01-31-2009, 08:07 PM

BOSS said to an employee: 'Do you believe in life after Death?'

EMPLOYEE: Certainly not! There's no proof of it', he replied.

BOSS:' Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.'

SilverBack

02-01-2009, 03:44 AM

^LMAO!! Owned!

Brunette: Bad news. I'm pregnant!
Blonde: OMG!! Is it yours?!

SailDesign

02-01-2009, 11:14 AM

Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama.

For George W. they asked for suggestions from the public.
Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- The Housing Crunch
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanmallow
- imPeachMint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Country Pumpkin
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- WMDelicious
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe

and lastly -
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker... Swirl

Kaotic Lazagna

02-01-2009, 08:49 PM

Q. What does a gynecologist and a pizza man have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but they can never eat it

I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up on this! :laugh::barf:

*MAD DOG*

02-01-2009, 09:09 PM

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** ******************

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ***********************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *******************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** ***********************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *****************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *********************

SilverBack

02-02-2009, 05:14 AM

^Wow I don't think I'll ever get married now :biggrin:

Slacker walks into work at 10 AM. Boss looks at him and yells "Where were you?! You should've been here at 8!" Slacker asks "Why? What happened at 8?"

*MAD DOG*

02-02-2009, 06:16 AM

Tiger Woods In Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

*MAD DOG*

02-03-2009, 06:22 AM

You are a blonde on the bus when you suddenly realize...
you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your iPod.

*MAD DOG*

02-03-2009, 08:13 PM

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new European Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.

*MAD DOG*

02-03-2009, 08:16 PM

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive

*MAD DOG*

02-03-2009, 08:18 PM

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.

The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,

'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

SilverBack

02-03-2009, 08:24 PM

Guy goes up to brunette in a bar and says "I want to get in your panties". Brunette replies, "No thanks, I already have an asshole in there".

Bob_VT

02-03-2009, 11:16 PM

A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy,how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what I can remember about that damn party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!

KCALB SIRAY

02-04-2009, 12:14 AM

Stimulus Plan...now that's funny

churp

02-04-2009, 01:01 AM

Stimulus Plan...now that's funny

:help::cry::help::cry::help::cry::help:

KCALB SIRAY

02-04-2009, 11:45 PM

Leon Panetta...now that's funny

SilverBack

02-05-2009, 06:27 PM

Bush finally admitting he screwed up, ..that's hilarious!

bobselectric

02-05-2009, 07:04 PM

Four cabinet appointees who don't pay taxes-- now that's funny!

*MAD DOG*

02-06-2009, 08:53 PM

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown , Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR..........

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.

Bob_VT

02-07-2009, 08:45 AM

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you fifty dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5 o'clock edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too,
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.
.
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.
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.
.
.
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but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob_VT

02-07-2009, 08:46 AM

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next-door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for
hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had
enough of this," and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed.
Her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have
you been doing?"

The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard.
Let's see how THEY like it!

nemelek

02-07-2009, 04:02 PM

COWS, GOLF AND THE WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
One of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
Ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
Looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that...'

Bob_VT

02-08-2009, 07:18 PM

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.

“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” Amber responded.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

Bob_VT

02-08-2009, 10:30 PM

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

nemelek

02-09-2009, 04:51 PM

*So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, and as I am semi retired. *

* I lasted less than a day......*

*About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. *

*As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" *

*The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'*

*So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe that you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.'*

KCALB SIRAY

02-10-2009, 11:55 AM

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

Bob_VT

02-11-2009, 09:20 AM

A French woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Sidney. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Knowing she was going to be unable to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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You sure do have a filthy mind, her husband speaks English.

*MAD DOG*

02-12-2009, 08:23 PM

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

*MAD DOG*

02-16-2009, 06:04 AM

A couple is going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Bob_VT

02-18-2009, 11:25 AM

Expecting bad weather
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Michigan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”

eTiMaGo

02-20-2009, 09:36 AM

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were
going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.

"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just
having her contractions."

Bob_VT

02-20-2009, 01:18 PM

LETTER TO GOD

Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those idiots took $95.00 in taxes.

*MAD DOG*

02-23-2009, 02:17 PM

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

eTiMaGo

02-23-2009, 02:27 PM

sad but far too true :(

TLyttle

02-23-2009, 10:51 PM

Exactly right...

*MAD DOG*

02-24-2009, 01:06 AM

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=captavise

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2009, 07:53 PM

Pierre was attending his 4wd clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his Lizzie wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Pierre left to go back home to the missus.
When Pierre's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka the following week who should be there but Pierre sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Pierre?""
I didn't have to ," was Pierre's reply
" When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. When the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said , ' Surprise ' .

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'

SO HERE I AM

*MAD DOG*

02-25-2009, 07:57 PM

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that's her, she wasnt that tall!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past
> > and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

Bob_VT

03-02-2009, 10:17 PM

Wrong, wrong, wrong

Guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his girlfriend storms through. "You fucking asshole!" she screams and heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man walks toward the bedroom, wondering "now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!" The man responds, "Wow... pedophile... that's a big word for a 12 year old."

Bob_VT

03-02-2009, 10:26 PM

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

KCALB SIRAY

03-03-2009, 12:51 AM

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

KCALB SIRAY

03-03-2009, 12:54 AM

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

KCALB SIRAY

03-03-2009, 12:56 AM

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

KCALB SIRAY

03-03-2009, 01:05 AM

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

KCALB SIRAY

03-03-2009, 01:08 AM

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

*MAD DOG*

03-03-2009, 06:27 PM

Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).The judge told him, 'In 20years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing'. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'

The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'

So ladies try to move a little during the game.

*MAD DOG*

03-04-2009, 02:26 AM

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it !' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

LtNoogie

03-04-2009, 02:44 AM

Damn, that last one was funny Tony.

*MAD DOG*

03-04-2009, 02:44 AM

Damn, that last one was funny Tony.

Most of my jokes are :laugh:

KCALB SIRAY

03-04-2009, 11:38 AM

Here's an old one, but still funny 50 years later

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my ass sure hurts."

KCALB SIRAY

03-04-2009, 11:41 AM

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

SilverBack

03-04-2009, 11:53 PM

http://e-merl.com/comics/2008-10-21.gif

KCALB SIRAY

03-05-2009, 12:01 AM

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

KCALB SIRAY

03-05-2009, 12:33 AM

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

KCALB SIRAY

03-05-2009, 12:39 AM

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

texkid

03-05-2009, 01:04 AM

A man is sitting next to mid-age woman in a plane. The woman takes sneeze followed by "oooh, oooooh, hmmmmmmmm!" The man asks, "excuse me ma'am, are you ok?" The woman says, "Oh, its just that I have this condition that every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm". The man then says, "Oh my, I am so sorry. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman then replies, "Why yes, PEPPER".

*MAD DOG*

03-09-2009, 09:02 PM

The new free pencil sharpener to be given to all taxpayers, as a reminder of the service they give each year...

nemelek

03-11-2009, 06:50 PM

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift
today.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged.. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has
always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and
broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told
her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Bob_VT

03-12-2009, 10:31 PM

Two fleas on vacation

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, “What the hell happened to you?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from Mount Clemens in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea tells him, “That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do: Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by, and when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death!

The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said: I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to a warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.”

“Well then, what happened?” the first flea asked.

“When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!”

*MAD DOG*

03-18-2009, 03:41 AM

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to the neighboring states.Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab and the surgery went through.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds, jewelry, and half a million US dollars.Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a box of almond halwa (sweets).

The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated.He phoned the Arab and asked him 'This time also I thought that you would give me some thing like a Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewelry. But you gave only a card and a box of almond sweets.To this the Arab replied 'Can't help it, Bapu..... Now I have Gujju blood in my veins

For those that don't know, Gujarati is a place in India and people from there are stereotypically reffered to as the most tight with money. Some say they are that tight with there money they make there own toothbrushes out of hair, rather than buy one.

*MAD DOG*

03-18-2009, 04:54 AM

An Australian Aboriginal goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.

He asks , "How much do you charge for the hour, bro?" $100," she
replies. "Okay do you do Aboriginal style?"
She says "No!"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style?"
She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aboriginal style is.
So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!"

Finally, she agrees , thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10
years now.

I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?

"So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally,

after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker
turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much.
But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the Aboriginal style' come in?"
The Aboriginal replies. . ..
"I'll pay you next week "

*MAD DOG*

03-18-2009, 05:12 AM

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."

*MAD DOG*

03-19-2009, 09:58 AM

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

*MAD DOG*

03-19-2009, 10:03 AM

WHALE OF A STORY

Male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
When they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
Same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, 'Lets both swim under the ship and blow out
Of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn
Over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
Were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
Female, 'Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

'Look', she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
Refuse to swallow the seamen. '

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2009, 08:34 PM

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos.
He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal.
Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool.
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a job....

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2009, 08:34 PM

Talking Australian Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night , a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where
there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall .

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and
stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fuck's sake, you stupid bastard . It's ten past three in the
fucking morning !!!'

*MAD DOG*

03-24-2009, 08:37 PM

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says
Gerry

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck
to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying
another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET..

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

*MAD DOG*

03-25-2009, 03:31 PM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!