The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

The wife was screaming at her Husband: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As he was walking out the door she yelled, "And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

He turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

http://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

[*MAD DOG*]

Are youi going to abandon us?? Not everyone here is on Facebook, and I would sure miss your input...

Still posting on both at this stage.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you, He paid for our new cabin cruiser, He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said,

"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party
that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.”

[*MAD DOG*]

For those that haven't. Please visit and like my facebook funnies page. https://www.facebook.com/whatpassword

A guy goes into a bar, and a robot bartender greets him.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar on another day.



The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy once again says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy then says, "110."

The robot then starts to talk about baseball, NASCAR, and John Deere tractors.



The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar for the 3rd time.

The robot once again says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 75."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[*MAD DOG*]

What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? "We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us."

[*MAD DOG*]

A YOUNG GUY FROM TEXAS MOVES TO CALIFORNIA AND GOES TO A BIG "EVERYTHING UNDER ONE ROOF" DEPARTMENT STORE LOOKING FOR A JOB.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[*MAD DOG*]

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ _____________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor crippled orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Everyday Jokes
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[*MAD DOG*]

Everyday Jokes
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?":)

[*MAD DOG*]

I used to be frustrated by people talking at movie theaters, until I realised how entertaining it was to bring a spray bottle with me and pretend to sneeze.

[*MAD DOG*]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”:)

[*MAD DOG*]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner, the wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you invite him round for?"

"Cos he's thinking of getting married"

[yaris2010RS]

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Long winded. But worth the read. I'm going to forward that onto my email list.

[cali yaris]

Related and interesting reading: http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp

[*MAD DOG*]

Related and interesting reading: http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp

I thought it wasn't real. Was a good story though.

[*MAD DOG*]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, Everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.When he walks into a room
People call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.When he enters a room
Everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

Slim, Tall, 38DD breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, 'My God!'

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Fire Fighters boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Police Officer got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Firemen.

The Officer kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Fireman in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Officer, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Fireman picked up the Officer's shoe and spit in it. When the Officer returned with the coke, the Fireman in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Officer obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Fireman picked up the officer's other shoe and spit in it. The Officer returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Officer slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the officer asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

[*MAD DOG*]

http://qkme.me/3u8nj4

[Septembersrain]

Old man just bought his first sports car.
As he's driving 100+ MPH when a cop spots him and gives chase.
He thinks "Oh hell I'm too old to stop now.", So he goes faster.
Finally he runs out of gas and the cop walks up and taps on his window.
The cop looks him dead in the eyes and says:
"Sir, It's the end of my shift and if you can come up with something I haven't heard before I'll let you go."
The old man ponders and says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Officer, My wife ran off with a deputy a few decades back and I thought you were trying to bring her crazy a** back."

"Sir, Have a great night." replied the officer as he went back to his squad car.